Thursday, August 06, 2009

Week in Pictures: North Korean Edition

The fight against the Canadian invasion continues. We've had some luck in blocking the cold air fronts they've sent to prep for their assault, and our sources tell me that they're gathered up in Banff under the guise of vacationers but in reality are planning their next move.

Meanwhile, we have exclusive pictures of Laura Ling and Euna Lee's return from a North Korean prison earlier this week. Our intrepid Week in Pictures staff has the behind the scenes story:

As evidence of former President Clinton's negotiating prowess, the North Koreans not only released the reporters, but also provided them with gift bags.

Remaining true to form, Clinton made both women put their hand down his pants before they were allowed to board the plane.

Meanwhile, upon the return from his successful trip, Clinton and his former Vice President Al Gore broke into their traditional celebratory tango.

And finally, Republicans continued to try raise the ire of the unflappable President Obama - this time by raising his podium to an absurd height in advance of his press conference about the release.

Okay, I need to get back into hiding. Stay strong!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Hortons: Here's a Who...

I only have a few moments to post, so I'll make this quick.

A few months back I came upon some information that indicated the Canada would soon invade the U.S. and I immediately stopped blogging and went underground to join the resistance. It's been a long and difficult struggle and thus far we've made little headway while those crafty Canadians have begun prepping our country for their takeover by exporting cold air masses to lower the summer temperatures in the Northeast - where our intelligence indicates they'll strike first. The second wave began this week when they began stealthily replacing Dunkin Donuts franchises with Tim Hortons. Most Americans remain blissfully unaware of the scheme, and by the time they realize what's happening, our temperatures will be reported in Celsius and their children will be asking to go "Oootside to play."

I'm urging you to fight back fellow bloggers. Don't sit idly by while this happens.

I fear that staying on line too long will allow the Mounties to triangulate our position, so I must sign off now. I'll write again when I'm able.

Stay strong.

Friday, May 22, 2009

The Week in Pictures

Won't be seen this week because, you know, it's Memorial Day weekend and all. Stay tuned next week for an all new, and predictably mediocre, edition!

Friday, May 15, 2009

The Week In Pictures: The 'I Forgot to Post This on Friday' Edition

Random Friday Thoughts

Today is going to suck. I hate this part of my job. Erm...I mean the things I do after blogging, not the part that pays me to post things like the WiP.

Rain is forecast for most of the weekend, which is good since it's been about 12 hours since we last saw a downpour. I was worried that we might be in the midst of a drought.

Anyway, lots to do today, so let's move on to the WiP.

Archaeologists have discovered the earliest known depiction of the human body, which appears to be a headless female with large breasts or, as the artist titled the work, "The Perfect Woman"

HA HA HA...erm...kidding.

Recent satellite photos of earth indicate that, in addition to other woes, global warming seems to have resulted in a bad case of dandruff for the planet.

Anthropologists have come across a remote tribe that came across a discarded computer and began worshipping it as a god - to the point of having DVD trays installed in the mouths.

A man is looking to set the world's record for fastest bicycle trip around the world. His plan rests on an ingenious device that will permit him to make the trip without stopping to use the restroom.

Japan Air Lines' attempts to cram more cargo into their planes hit a snag when the FAA refused to allow them to use an engine for one of their baggage compartments.

Speaking of Japan, here you go Grant.

Security experts expressed growing concern over signs that we may be in the early stages of a new arms race.

Police have released this graphic photo in an effort to help identify a hit and run unicyclist who struck a pedestrian yesterday.

In other crime related news, the DEA has made what it calls one of the biggest narcotics busts ever in taking down a huge pot farm on the outskirts of town.

And finally, a woman arrested for prostitution was released after police realized that it was a misunderstanding and that the woman was actually on her way to a costume party dressed as a "hookah."

Friday, May 01, 2009

Week in Pictures: Abbreviated Edition

Random Friday Thoughts:

Rain, rain, rain. That's pretty much the weekend forecast. Thank goodness for alcohol.

The transfer out of NY is looking more realistic by the day, so let's see how much longer I'm here.

It's been a crazy week at work, so the WiP is going to be very brief. So without further ado, let's jump right into it:

A sand sculputre artist has filed for damages against the city after what he says was an improper arrest for giving blow jobs on the beach.

In a related story, a local woman was arrested on beastiality charges for exchanging butterfly kisses.

Consumer advocates admit to growing concern that the bicycle helmet laws passed by many municipalities may be going a little too far.

Yesterday was laundry day in the Where's Waldo household.

Archeologists in Mexico believe that they have found ancient sculptures depicting the country's first surgeons.

Sorry Grant. Forgot to include this for a minute there...

After numerous rounds of plastic surgery left them with nothing left to nip or tuck, doctors were left with no choice but to construct a wire cage upon which to build Joan Rivers' latest face.

And finally, in our "Where Are They Now" section, famed 80s video game star Pac Man has launched a new career as an artist and is currently hosting an exhibition of his works entitled "The Ghosts Who Tried to Eat Me."

Friday, April 24, 2009

Week in Pictures: The Return Edition

Random Friday Thoughts:

Softball season starts on Sunday. First double header should be over by 10:30. First beer should be popped by 10:31.


It's been so long that I'm not really sure that I remember how to do this WiP thing, but here goes:

After was Maddona was singled out by PETA for wearing a fur blouse, it was revealed that the blouse was not animal fur, but was made of 100% Muppet, prompting a second wave of protests from PETM.

Speaking of Muppets, our "where are they now" item focuses on Elmo. The adorable infant is all grown up now and training for the space program and NASA.

Groundhog Day took an unexpected twist for Punxsutawney Phil when his handler gave him an impromptu prostate exam.

A toad seeking to break the amphibian push up record fell short when he was tragically struck by a hit-and-run driver.

Here you go Grant.

A woman frustrated by her husband's repeated claims that he lost track of time erected this sculpture in his favorite pub. Sadly, she seems to have neglected to synchronize them.

This just in...the amphibian police just moved in and arrested the man they believe was behind the hit-and-run accident that we told you about moments ago.

An overexcited father-to-be was fired at his job for bringing in his wife's egg to show that he had, indeed, fertilized it.

I really should take up golf this summer.

Researchers have uncovered compelling evidence that a bird in the hand is, in fact, worth more than two in the bush largely because the ones in the bush cost a fortune to feed.

Meanwhile, Greek scientists are conducting a study to determine if there is use in crying over spilled milk.

A recent spike in alcoholism among deer is being attributed to the stress brought on by hunting season.

And finally, drug testing in babies may become more prevalent now that they've found a way to get them to pee in a cup.