Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Million Dollar Days

Did you ever have a day where you are just desperate to talk to someone - not because anything has happened, but just because you have a deep and primal need to make a connection with another human being? Of course, its not like you can call one of the guys and say, "hey, I'm feeling a little sad and need to talk." You'd never hear the end of it. Twenty years from now, you'd be at a bar watching football and he'd walk up beside you and say "hey, you look kind of down, do you need to talk?" before collapsing in peals of laughter.

I call these my "million dollar days" because I feel like I'd pay a million dollars to any friend that will answer my call and make me feel a little less hopeless. Invariably, whenever these days come about everyone is either busy or unavailable when I call. I can't really say that I blame them. I mean, I'd avoid myself right now if I could.

So what's left to do?

I guess I could close my office door and sleep until the feeling passes, but sooner or later they are going to catch on to that little stunt so I try not to pull it too often. Besides, when I'm feeling lost and alone, do I really want to combat it by isolating myself? That's like saying "I'm really hungry, so I'd better throw out all of my food."

Which brings us back to the original question: what's left to do?

Well, I could go outside and wander the streets seeing just how many people can avoid eye contact with me. There has to be some sort of sixth sense that people have to help them avoid people in need - kind of like the one that keeps women from talking to single men, but attracts them like ants to a picnic once you are in a relationship.

Before my last relationship, I went through a decent dry spell during which I couldn't meet anyone. I'd given up hope and was even contemplating joining the priesthood....well, maybe not going that far, but you get the point. Once I met someone, all of a sudden there were available and interested women everywhere. Of course, I had no interest in any of them since I was, for the first time in my life, deliriously happy and completely in love. There wasn't even an inkling of temptation which, ironically, only fueled the fire of some of the women. I even had to end a friendship or two out of respect for my relationship. I never shared any of this with the person I was with. She was going through enough in trying to deal with my problems my ex-wife was causing for her and I didn't want to give her any additional cause for concern. Besides, she was so perfect in every way that I would have been crazy to do anything to risk my relationship even if I had been tempted.

Back to the point. To recap what we've discovered thus far. None of my friends are available. Walking the streets in search of a kindred spirit is out. Closing my office door is stupid and counterproductive. I guess I could do some work - after all, I am getting paid to be here - but I just don't feel like it. Besides, I have an afternoon full of meetings, and I haven't been too hungry lately, so I've worked through lunch most days.

Suddenly, inspiration strikes! I'll write in my blog! Good way to kill time and it makes me feel like someone is listening, even if this is very unlikely to be read by anyone. Crisis averted. The world is safe once again!