Wednesday, September 29, 2004

My Trip to the Men's Room

Okay, so I'm in the men's room a little while ago and all of the urinals are occupied. I go into one of the stalls and as soon as I close the door, the guy in the stall next to me lets one rip. It was so bad that I wanted to pass out. I felt like I had to get low to the ground so that I could breathe, but who is going to do that in the bathroom? So I take a deep breath (through my mouth, of course) lift up the seat (with my foot, of course) and what do I see? Brown splatter all over the back rim of the bowl. Between the smell and the brown spots, I’m gagging by now.

With no other options, I go upstairs to another restroom. As I open the door, I run into a Partner from the law firm at which I used to work. Apparently he is here as opposing counsel for a deposition being conducted in one of our conference rooms. We chat for a second and he shakes my hand. To my horror, his hand is COMPLETELY DRY. I remember hearing the toilet flush, but I don’t recall hearing the faucet run. Clearly, he didn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom. Now, I’m feeling even sleazier than before, and I have to scrub my hands like a surgeon before I can even use the urinal. I wish I had a shower in my office. In fact, I feel like I need to call in a HazMat team to get me clean. Why are people so nasty?

I read a great article a few days ago called “Women in the Bathroom,” and this incident reminded me of that story. If you ever get a chance to read it, do so. It’s by an up and coming author who would probably prefer to remain anonymous right now – hence the reason I haven't included a copy here – but who I’m confident will be famous one day. It’s well written (far better written than my lame story), witty and insightful. It also has a creative and terrific closing line that will, at minimum, make you chuckle.