Friday, October 22, 2004

The Drawbacks of Fitness

I feel pretty good these days. I've lost the weight that was dragging me down a few months ago. My clothes fit better. I have more energy. I'm actually able to keep up with everyone when we go rock climbing, biking, and hiking. I'm able to work out longer and harder than before, and I can see my body starting to change for the better. In short, I feel about ten years younger than I did a few months ago. Of course, the down side is that I'm also about a hundred times hornier than I was before. Consequently, my "little friend" as I referred to him a few weeks ago, is like a newborn baby...up all night and constantly demanding to be fed. On the bright side, he's does function well as an alarm clock, beating me in the chest every morning and telling me to get my ass out of bed and do something that will take our minds off of sex. Jogging generally does the trick as it's tough to think of anything else when you are worried about passing out before you get back home. Sadly, its only a temporary fix. In fact, it's gotten so bad that the other day, I saw a dog in heat attach itself to someone's leg and start pumping frantically and I thought to myself, "you know, that's not such a bad idea."

According to the Kinsey Institute's FAQ, "54% of men think about sex every day or several times a day, 43% a few times per month or a few times per week, and 4% less than once a month." After reading this, my first question was "can you define several?," closely followed by "who the hell are the 4% that think about it less than once a month?" Those poor bastards. My best estimate is that I currently think about sex every eight seconds or so. This is clearly an issue, particularly at work. I'll be in the midst of a mind-numbing task, such as reviewing resumes, when my mind wanders off. Before you know it, I'll have scanned ten or twelve resumes and have no idea what I've read because I was busy fantasizing. It's a good thing I can close my office door as it isn't good practice for the HR manager to have an obvious bulge in his pants when someone comes in to discuss an issue.

The nights are the worst. My mind wanders off to a fantasy, and before I know it I can't think of anything else. I try to adjust myself to so as to gain a little comfort, but that only seems to exacerbate the problem. I turn on the TV, thinking that will take my mind off of things but, as is the case with late night/early morning TV, there is seemingly nothing on but soft-porn movies and Three's Company re-runs. (okay, perhaps I see these and find myself unable to change the channel, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.) I generally settle on Three's Company thinking it to be the safer option. Before long, however, I catch myself thinking, "Man, I could do some damage to Chrissy right now," or "I never noticed before, but Janet is looking pretty good in that tight sweater of hers." Geez, it gets so bad at times that I think "You know, I'd even try to tap Mrs. Roper if she were here right now."

Frustrated, I change the channel and land on an infomercial for the handy Orek Excel vacuum. Apparently, the suction is so great that it can pick up a bowling ball. Amazing! On a side note, did you know that there are a fair number of men each year who sustain penile injuries when using a vacuum cleaner in search of sexual excitement? Apparently, the injuries range from penile fracture to loss of the organ. Regardless, all I can think right now is "yeah, that's right. suck that bowling ball....mmmmmmm." You have no idea how long and torturous these nights are.

Earlier, I received a call from some friends of mine that are trying frantically to arrange a last- minute weekend trip to Miami. They've asked me to come along, saying that a weekend of relaxing on the beach and drinking all night is just what I need to reduce the stress I'm feeling. I fear it would only make things worse. I keep imagining having to keep running into the water in an attempt to hide my little friend's excitement from the world since he has a mind of his own these days and tends to pop up at inopportune times. It's like going through puberty again.

So why am I holding out? Well, first, I'm not a one-night stand kind of guy. Too many diseases and things out there to take a chance. Besides, there are some things in life that will always be worth waiting for, and I've found someone that's worth the wait for me....if the wait doesn't kill me first, that is.

Okay, I'm off to find a bucket of ice to dump down my pants.