Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Say Hello to My Little Friend

I'm curious to know how many men out there have named their penis. My guess is that there are a significant number, but that only their wives or girlfriends know what that name is. It's not something you'd announce at the gym, for example. "Wow, working out makes me horny. Little Fred was up and about the entire time!"

Until recently, mine didn't have a name. In fact, I hadn't given it any thought at all. To me, it would have been like naming any other appendage on my body. Do you name your hands or your feet? No. So why name your penis?

That said, I named him not too long ago at someone's request and I've noticed a change in my relationship with him since I've done so. First of all, we've grown closer and I worry about him as if her were a little person that I carry around in my pants. In addition, while he's always had a mind of his own, he tries to assert his independence a little more freely. For example, a few weeks ago, I watched a woman grabbing an extension cord in a store, and I could clearly hear him saying to me "That should be me in her hand! Look at the way she is stroking the cord." I turned away, embarrassed, and buttoned my suit jacket to hide his interest.

Lately, he's begging me to put out a personal ad for him. Not for me, mind you, just for him. He's also trying to convince me that I needn't worry about doing anything because he'll do the talking and thinking for both of us. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. What would the ad look like, though? So far, this is the best he's come up with. "Bald appendage seeks partner. Must like to have sex at least a few times a day. Rough is nice. Looking for someone who wants to be bad, and who needs to be taken hard and made to scream with pleasure." And that, my friends, is why I don't listen to him.

Anyway, he's my little friend and you'll need to treat him well. Understand?