Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Chinese New Year Parade

I was in San Francisco this weekend, so I took in the Chinese New Year parade. Apparently, it's the year of the rooster, so jokes about chicken choking were all the rage - at least amongst the drunken group next to me. Everyone cheered as the floats, marching bands, and color guards passed before us in Union Square. We applauded the groups of adorable children that stopped to dance in front of the reviewing stand, and the dragons that were spread liberally throughout the parade.

A few minutes into the parade, the mayor rode down the street waving to his constituents from the back of a vintage automobile. The crowd lept to its feet as he stood and tossed red envelopes into their eager hands. As his car neared the place where I stood, shots rang out. Thinking quickly, I shoved the spectators aside and jumped over the police barrier catching my pants on a hook and tearing them off in the process. Undaunted, I continued across the street to save the mayor. A swarm of security officers began to converge on me. Apparently, they either hadn't heard the shots or they were part of a vast conspiracy to assassinate the mayor. I knew that there was no time to think. They tried to tackle me, but I was too determined for them. One officer grabbed me, but I pulled away leaving him holding the tattered remnants of my shirt. Without regard for my safety, I dove across the car, tackled the mayor, threw him to the ground, and laid on top of him, shielding him with my body.

Of course, by now you've probably seen the endless replays on the news or read the "Naked Man Attacks SF Mayor" headlines that are splashed across seemingly every newspaper in America. No matter what the jury says, I really did believe that the firecrackers they set off in front of the dragon was gunfire.

Anyway, my attorney thinks that with good behavior, I should be out of here within a year. Keep your fingers crossed!