Wednesday, February 02, 2005

HR Noir

She strolled into my office acting as cool as a cucumber and oblivious to the rising temperatures she inspired in the men around her. She was drop dead gorgeous and had a pair of legs that went on for days. "Have a seat, doll face," I said as I pointed her to one of the battered chairs across from my desk. She looked at me oddly. Apparently she wasn't used to being addressed so informally, but I had no time for niceties. I was all about business and I let her know immediately that I wasn't going to be another sap that fell for the first pair of fluttering eyelashes that walked through the door.

"What can I do for you?" I asked. "I'm here about a job" she replied. Weren't they all? I'm a Human Resources Manager. The job is an ugly business, not for the faint of heart or the weak of spirit. I had been at it for so long that it was second nature to me, but I had seen it wear down even the toughest men. Some of them were my friends and others, well let's just say that we wouldn't be meeting for drinks any time soon.

I waited patiently for her to proceed. "I guess you want my background information," she continued. "It's your dime, lady," I countered, interested to see where she was going with this story. "Well, I am currently employed as a legal secretary for Johnson and Smith, where I support three partners." She droned on for fifteen minutes but gave me nothing that I could use. "That's all very interesting, but let's cut to the chase, sweetheart. What do you want from me?" I asked.

She bristled at my question "First of all, I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me sweetheart." She was clearly one of those modern dames who preferred Ms. to Miss or Mrs. and got insulted whenever you opened the door for them. "Second, I told you that I'm here about the job. Don't you have any questions for me?" Sure, I had a million questions for her. Why is the sky blue? Why do birds sing? Who wrote the book of love? However, I sensed that she didn't have the answers, and I didn't want to waste any more of my time trying to find out.

I stood up quickly. "It looks like our time is up here, lady." Her eyes widened in surprise and I could tell that she regretted having taken that haughty tone of voice with me earlier. "Will I hear back from you soon?," she asked. "Just as soon as hell freezes over, baby" I countered, shooting her a hard look to ensure that there would be no misunderstanding. I walked her to the elevator and went back to my office where I grabbed a bottle of whiskey from my desk drawer, poured a healthy shot, and settled down to a game of solitaire while I waited for the next person to walk through the door. Like I said, it's a hard life.