Tuesday, February 01, 2005

My Sitcom Life

The apartment search continues. Still no word on the application that I submitted the other day, but that's to be expected. Otherwise, two more appointments today and two more tomorrow. I forgot how exhausting this can be.

In other news, I've decided to hire a scriptwriter to make my life more fun. I'm also going to carry around my own theme music and laugh track. We'll also have periodic "message" shows along the lines of "Tonight....on a very special episode of Blossom." The best part is that whatever mess I find myself in will be neatly wrapped up within 30 minutes.

A typical exchange will look something like this.

"Good morning, Joe"
"Good morning, Aniline. Working hard, or hardly working?" (laugh track)

or this

"Cold enough for you, Joe?"
"If it gets any colder, my nipples will be able to cut diamonds" (laugh track)

Here's what we've sketched out for the first five episodes.

Episode One
I accidentally spill coffee on his shirt and have to go to a very important meeting shirtless. I pretend that nothing is out of the ordinary, and soon the entire office, male and female, has adopted my new "ultra business casual" style. Zany high jinks ensue.

Episode Two
I'm instant messaging while on a conference call. Because I'm not paying attention, I accidentally volunteer to go on a month long business trip to a small town filled with offbeat characters. Madcap adventures follow.

Episode Three (special message episode)
In a real time episode, the subway gets stuck on the way to work and I'm stranded in a car with, among others, an 87 year old white woman who is a big hip-hop fan, a precocious small child, and uptight businessman, and a homeless man who makes us all admire his gentle way and quiet wisdom. We all walk out of the car having learned a valuable lesson about appreciating what we have in life.

Episode Four
I go on a dinner date with a woman and, after misunderstanding a conversation that I overhear, I become convinced that she's a cult member who wants to use me as a human sacrifice. Hilarity abounds as I try to avoid eating or drinking for fear of being drugged. I jump nervously every time she reaches for me, and react with suspicion to everything she says. In the end, it turns out that she was just talking about a movie she saw, and we wind up laughing about my wild imagination.

Episode Five
While moving into my new apartment, a mix-up with the moving company causes my furniture to be sent to Thailand and leaves my apartment furnished with the sparse belongings of a Buddhist monk. Wacky conversations abound with the moving company.

See? I think I'm really on to something here. An exciting life for only the few pennies a day it costs for writing fees. Amazing.

Feel free to submit your theme song ideas.