Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Saved!

I don't know what to write today, so I thought I'd just type until I come up with something that amuses me. Those of you who don't have any time to waste should probably take this opportunity to click on the "next blog" button located in the upper right corner of this page. I'll give you a minute to gather your belongings.

Okay, now that we're rid of those malcontents, let's get started and see where we wind up.

Earlier today, CNN.com ran a story about the Pope delegating to senior Cardinals the vast majority of his Easter duties. Now before I move on to the point of this essay - if, in fact, there turns out to be a point - I'd like to share with you reason number 2,534 why I would never be successful as a news anchor. As much as it hurts to confess this, my first thought when I read that headline this morning was "they said doody...heh, heh, heh."

However, upon further reflection I now realize that the Pope may be on to something. Let's think this through for a minute. After the recent scandals, the Roman Catholic church finds itself faced with a staggering number of lawsuits. The settlements, verdicts, and associated legal fees place a huge financial burden on the Vatican. To add to their financial woes, church attendance has steadily declined over the years - which translates into less money in the collection plate. Consequently, the Church may need to broaden its thinking to remain solvent. By expanding just a little bit on the Pope's delegation idea, they can tap into a whole new revenue stream - one which could keep them solvent for the next few millennia.

Here's a sample marketing brochure I've drafted for them.

We've Saved Your Soul, Now Let Us Save Something Equally Precious -- Your Time!

For over 2,000 years, the Catholic Church has been there in your hour of need, and we're still here for you today. How often during these turbulent times have you found yourself scrambling to carve out just a few extra minutes for yourself? Between work, family, and the myriad of other challenges that we face each day, it seems a nearly impossible task. But all of that is about to change because in return for just a small donation, you can now Delegate to the Church.™

Getting started couldn't be easier. Just review the list of options below, choose the one that fits your budget, and within an hour, we'll send a Church leader right to your door! Immediately upon his arrival, you'll be able to delegate your worries away.

After all, if you can't trust a man of God, who can you trust?™

$1,000,000 or more - Platinum
Our Platinum members can delegate to Pope himself. Tired of getting up early every Sunday morning to bless the crowds that gather outside of your bedroom window? Delegate it to the Pope and sleep in, secure in the knowledge that the devout won't be disappointed.

$500,000 - Diamond
Can't afford the Pope? Don't worry, there's something for every budget. Our Diamond members can delegate to a Cardinal. While our Cardinals can't bless the crowds like the Pope, they do make a mean Sunday brunch. The best part is that they're next in line for the papacy, so it's like getting tomorrow's Pope today -- and at just half the price!

$250,000 - Gold
Perhaps the Diamond level is beyond your means. If so, try our Gold membership which allows you to delegate to a Bishop. While your at it, don't forget to ask about our special deals on reconditioned Bishops. These "lightly used" models were cast aside for the way they handled the scandals in their respective Dioceses, but our loss is your gain because now, for the first time ever, we're making them available to the public at low, low rates.

$100,000 - Silver
Still too pricey? Become a Silver member and delegate to a Priest. Now $100,000 might sound like a lot of money at first, but when averaged out over the course of a year, it's only 27,397 cents per day! Where else are you going to find a bargain like that?

$50,000 - Bronze
Perfect for the economy minded, our Bronze members can delegate to a Deacon. While Deacons are best suited for light chores such as Eucharistic Ministry, they can still save you valuable time.

Unfortunately, we no longer offer our Copper level (Altar boys). We apologize for any inconvenience this causes.