Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Drilling for Oil

Faced with a stagnant economy, plunging approval ratings, and skyrocketing oil prices, the President took decisive action this week during a meeting with Saudi Arabia's Crown Prince Abdullah at Bush's ranch near Crawford, Texas.

Spies at the ranch were able to smuggle out these top secret photos along with transcripts of the meeting.

Subject: Meeting with Crown Prince Abdullah
Location: Prairie Chapel Ranch
Code Name: Operation Drill for Oil

Using his patented "stealth method" the President slips his arm around the Crown Prince. A detailed analysis of the photos reveals his cunning two-step process.

Step One: The President pretends to yawn and stretch.
Step Two: He smoothly brings his arm down and around the Crown Prince's waist.

"Just like the Fonz taught Richie Cunnigham on that episode of Happy Days." mumbles a smiling Dubya.

In an unfortunate blunder, the President leans in and compliments the Crown Prince on his "gorgeous brown dress." Ensconced in the While House and listening in via a microphone implanted in Bush's lapel pin, Vice President Cheney becomes apoplectic. "Hey moron, it's called a mishla, not a dress! We just spent a week going over this, you f***ing idiot!" he screams.

Upon hearing this via the micro transmitter in his ear, the President immediately shifts into damage control mode. He asks the Crown Prince to take a quiet walk with him so that they can spend time alone, away from the crowds.

After convincing Abdullah that it's quite common in the Unites States for men to hold hands, Dubya begins to show him around the ranch.

Making small talk along the way, Bush guides Abdullah towards the garden path that he uses whenever he wants to get Laura "in the mood."

"There's nothing like a romantic stroll through the flowers at sunset to get those juices flowing, if you know what I mean." the President says with a wink, dropping a not-too-subtle hint about his intentions. Back at the White House, Cheney cringes and advises Bush to "tone it down just a bit."

Quickly changing subjects, Dubya begins to talk about his workout regimen. He casually mentions the combination of interval training, squats, and lunges that does on a daily basis to tighten up the "ol' glutes." Intrigued, the Crown Prince tries to sneak a peek at the President's backside as they enter the garden.

Realizing that the Crown Prince is a somewhat husky man - and anxious to avoid another embarrassing faux pas - the President quickly adds "Now that doesn't mean I'm into gym rats. Nope. I like my men with a little bit of meat on them. It gives me a little somethin' to hold on to while I'm...uh, you know...'riding'."

Upon hearing this, Cheney begins having chest pains.

Meanwhile, trailing behind Bush and Abdullah, Condi Rice opens negotiations with a Saudi Arabian delegate. The 'price list' is long and detailed, calling for the Saudis to increase production capacity from their current level of 9.5 million barrels per day in return for certain acts that the President may be asked to perform. For example:

Kissing = 10 million barrels per day

Heavy petting = 10.5 million barrels per day

Oral Sex = 11 million barrels per day

Intercourse (Bush "pitching") = 12 million barrels per day

Intercourse (Bush "catching") = 12.5 million barrels per day

It quickly becomes apparent to the entire Saudi Arabian delegation that access to the President's "buns of steel" won't come cheaply.

While Rice continues to negotiate, Bush and Abdullah meander along the path. "Unchained Melody" plays softly in the background courtesy of the high-tech rock speakers that Secret Service agents have placed at strategic points throughout the garden.

Bush bends down to pick a flower. He hands it to Abdullah saying "I know Blue Bells are your favorite. I think of you - and that magical night we shared in Riyadh - every time I see them."

Using his best approximation of bedroom eyes, Bush gazes soulfully at the Crown Prince as Abdullah tells him that he, too, has fond memories of that evening. He confides to the President that he's spent many nights at his residence in Rawdat Khuraim reminiscing about their "special night of forbidden love."

Cheney excitedly urges the President to move in for the kill. At last, the moment that Bush has prepared for all week has arrived.*

He stops, takes the Crown Prince in his arms and looks at him longingly. "Have I ever told you how much I love the way the gold piping on your mishla brings out the color of your eyes?" he says, his voice low and thick with lust. "Or how I adore the way your gutra frames your face?" The Crown Prince smiles shyly and blushes. Emboldened by the positive reaction to his flattering words, Dubya begins ad-libbing.

"You know, Princey, I can do things with my tongue that will make your tagiyah spin. Maybe if you're a 'bad boy,' I'll use your agal to show you how we hog tie down here in Texas. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

This exchange proves too much for Cheney. Enraged, the crimson faced Vice President launches into a tirade, sending spittle flying and causing the transmitter to short circuit. Finally, he collapses on the floor, spent and weeping.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch....

Much to everyone's surprise, Bush's strategy pays off. Abdullah leans in and gives him a deep and passionate kiss that rivals anything ever seen in the movies. Somwhat aroused - and sensing that there are still more production increases to be had - Bush presses his advantage.

"Why don't we go upstairs?" he suggests. "So we can have some coffee and I can slip into something a little more comfortable."

* Secret Service Agent Flannery, who was forced to play the part of the Crown Prince during the numerous rehearsals that Cheney put the Dubya through, later confided to friends that "It might not have been so bad if the President didn't insist on slipping me the tongue whenever we practiced kissing."