Thursday, May 12, 2005

From Russia with Love

President Bush's Oil Drive 2005: The Seduction Tour continued this week with a visit to Russian President Vladimir Putin. After being roundly criticized for his dalliance with Saudi Arabia's Crown Prince Abdullah, White House strategists disguised the true purpose of the visit by insisting that Bush was in Moscow to attend celebrations marking the 60th anniversary of the Allied victory over Nazi Germany in World War II.

Recent statements by White House officials regarding "Russia's turn away from democracy" have created some tension in the relationship between the two countries, so Bush knew that a quiet stroll in the garden wouldn't do the trick this time. With that in mind, he geared up to let his Soviet counterpart have a few days of concentrated 'Bush whacking'.

Ever the gentleman, Bush compliments Putin on the way his suit flatters him. "Oh, this old thing?" Putin replies with the forced indifference of a man who's spent hours in the mirror making sure everything looks perfect. "I picked it up at Stockmann years ago. It's just something I put on when I don't care how I look."

The Russian President leans over and whispers in Bush's ear. "Let's see if you still like Middle Eastern men after you've had a taste of Russian meat." This puts Dubya in the awkward position of trying to do his best to look nonchalant while hiding his rather obvious erection. Meanwhile, Putin shows the First Lady the new spanking technique he's been practicing. "Some boys like it rough," he says "and that gives me the chance to put my KGB experience to good use."

Later that day, Putin shows Bush the location of the island of Sakhalin, where they'll be spending their romantic getaway.

"I've booked us a room at the most divine bed and breakfast," he tells Dubya, "and there's an absolutely darling little restaurant about a block away that I've been dying to try. I hear they make the most amazing Kotlety Pozharskie."

"I can't wait," replies Bush. "I understand it's a bit frigid out that way, so we'll have think of some ways to keep each other warm." he says. Uncertain if Putin's translator will effectively communicate his subtle remark, he quickly adds, "I'm talking about some hot man-on-man action in case you didn't catch my drift."

Crisis Alert! As they head to dinner at the Putin residence, Bush realizes that Chinese President Hu Juntao also has his eye on the Russian President -- and that Juntao plans to give him the exact same flowers as Bush! Apparently both leaders know about Vladimir's weakness for carnations.

Thinking quickly, Bush sneaks away and makes a quick run to a Moscow 7-11 to pick up a bouquet of roses . He suavely puts his arm around Putin as he gives him the flowers. The Russian President beams and blushes shyly, telling Bush "Pink and white are my favorite colors. How in the world did you know?" And with that, Bush quickly and decisively wins the battle for Putin's affection.

Bush and Putin bid their wives good-bye as they get ready for what they've termed their "diplomatic sausage-fest."They plan to take the scenic route, possibly stopping off at strategic locations for a little warm-up action.

Anxious to get the party started, Putin surprises the Commander and Chief by reaching over and grabbing Bush's 'package'. "Wow, Vlady!" Bush exclaims, "You've already got my little soldier standing at attention!"

Ever vigilant, the Russian Secret Service provides a security escort for the two prominent world leaders.

Three days later...

After a few days of intense "negotiations," Bush looks a little worse for wear, telling his Russian counterpart "I don't think I'll be able to sit down for at least a week."

Back in Moscow, having grown tired of being left alone while their husbands go on their "diplomatic missions," Laura and Ludmilla decide to do a little experimenting of their own.