Thursday, May 19, 2005

Modern Day Romeo

SCENE II. Capulet's orchard.

Enter ROMEO

ROMEO
(muttering to himself) Motherf***ers wanna laugh at me? I'll smoke their asses...

This house must have a hundred windows. How the hell am I supposed to know which one is Juliet's?

(Romeo begins to walk around the house and peer into the windows)

JULIET appears above at a window

It's her!

(Pats pockets frantically)

Where the hell did I put that poem I paid that Cyrano kid to write for me? Here it is. Okay, I hope this works.

(Opens the paper, takes a deep breath, looks up at Juliet's window, and begins to read aloud)

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief,
That thou her maid art far more fair than she:

(To himself) Hey that's pretty good. Then again, given the size of his nose I guess he has to have some great lines to even have a slight chance with a woman.

(To Juliet's window)
Be not her maid, since she is envious;
Her vestal livery is but sick and green
And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.

(To himself) Oh no. I knew I shouldn't have let him start drinking until he was done writing. Hopefully she didn't hear that stuff about her vestal livery being sick and green. That just sounds nasty.

(To Juliet's window)
It is my lady, O, it is my love!
O, that she knew she were!
She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that?
Her eye discourses; I will answer it.
I am too bold, 'tis not to me she speaks:
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
Having some business, do entreat her eyes
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.

(To himself) That's much better. For a second there, I thought Cyrano had lost it but I should have known better. He's too smooth.

(To Juliet's window)
What if her eyes were there, they in her head?
The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars,
As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven
Would through the airy region stream so bright
That birds would sing and think it were not night.
See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!

(To himself) And that's not the only cheek I'd like to touch...

JULIET
Ay me!

ROMEO
(To himself) Did she just speak, Spanish?!?! I hope I didn't just read that whole poem to a woman who didn't understand a word I said.

JULIET
O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.

ROMEO
Okay, she does speak English.......I think....

I hope she doesn't talk like that all of the time. I was just trying to impress her with that "Arise fair sun" stuff. If that's what she's looking for, I'm screwed.

And ti sounds like she's talking about getting married already! That's sounds a little desperate if you ask me. I mean, we just met! Can't we go on a few dates first? Get to know each other a little?

Maybe I'd better stay quiet for now. If she keeps talking about marriage, I'll just sneak away.

JULIET
'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.

ROMEO
(To himself) She's talking about man parts. (Giggle)

Crap. She must not have heard that stuff I read. What a waste of time. I knew I should have waited until she was on the balcony - or at least until she opened the window. Oh well, let me try to talk to her.

(Muttering) Stay calm.....don't blow this......wow, she's a cutie......just relax, Romeo.....here I go....

(Steps out into the moonlight)

Hey Juliet! Down here! It's me, Romeo. Don't call the cops or anything. I was, erm, just walking by your, uh, balcony and I overheard you talking about me.

Anyway, you know that calling me Romeo thing you were just going on about? Well, to be honest I was never a big fan of my name. When I was in school the other kids used to beat me up every day at lunch because it sounded too much like a girl's name. What I'm trying to say here is that if you want to call me something else, I'm okay with it.

JULIET
What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night
So stumblest on my counsel?

ROMEO
I just told you, it's me. Romeo.

(To himself) Why are the hottest women always so dumb?

JULIET
My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words
Of that tongue's utterance, yet I know the sound:
Art thou not Romeo and a Montague?

ROMEO
Yes, Romeo Montague. How many Romeos can you possibly know? It's not that common a name.

JULIET
How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?
The orchard walls are high and hard to climb,
And the place death, considering who thou art,
If any of my kinsmen find thee here.

ROMEO
Oh, yeah. The walls. I guess that blows my story about walking by and hearing you. Ok, here's the thing. I saw you tonight and I thought you were really cute, so I climbed the wall to get into your yard. I know this looks really bad, but I'm not a stalker or a pervert or anything. I just, uh, followed you home without you knowing and sat outside your bedroom balcony watching you. Erm, now that I say it out loud, that sounds really bad. I should probably shut up now.

(Awkward silence)

(Tries to change the subject)
Hey, you were talking about your kinsmen a minute ago. You were just kidding about that stuff, right? I mean, they're not really going to kill me if they find me, are they?

I guess I should tell you now that I'm more of a lover than a fighter. That means if I see them, I'm probably going to start running like a scared rabbit.

JULIET
If they do see thee, they will murder thee.

ROMEO
Murder me??? Just for talking to you?!? That's f***ing insane.

What kind of a family do you have there, Juliet? Sheesh. It's no wonder your so anxious to get married. I'd want to get away from those nut jobs, too, if I were you.

JULIET
I would not for the world they saw thee here.

ROMEO
Did you ever think that it might help if you kept your voice down just a little? I'm right here and you're shouting like I'm a mile away. Now that I think about it, maybe I should just hide in those bushes and talk to you from there. You're really cute and all, but I'm not sure I want to die for a woman I hardly know.

JULIET
By whose direction found'st thou out this place?

ROMEO
I told you before, I followed you home.

(Muttering) She can't possibly be this stupid....

JULIET
Thou know'st the mask of night is on my face,
Else would a maiden blush bepaint my cheek
For that which thou hast heard me speak to-night
Fain would I dwell on form, fain, fain deny
What I have spoke: but farewell compliment!
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say 'Ay,'
And I will take thy word: yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove false; at lovers' perjuries
Then say, Jove laughs. O gentle Romeo,
If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully:
Or if thou think'st I am too quickly won,
I'll frown and be perverse an say thee nay,
So thou wilt woo; but else, not for the world.
In truth, fair Montague, I am too fond,
And therefore thou mayst think my 'havior light:
But trust me, gentleman, I'll prove more true
Than those that have more cunning to be strange.
I should have been more strange, I must confess,
But that thou overheard'st, ere I was ware,
My true love's passion: therefore pardon me,
And not impute this yielding to light love,
Which the dark night hath so discovered.

ROMEO
No, no. Don't be embarrassed. I'm flattered. Really.

Man, you really are pretty hot. I swear, if I ever get my hands on you I'm going to do things that'll make you feel like you're flying to the moon.

JULIET
O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circled orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.

ROMEO
Okay, maybe that was a little excessive. I was just trying to say, that I'd love to f*** your brains out.

JULIET
Do not swear at all;
Or, if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self,
Which is the god of my idolatry,
And I'll believe thee.

ROMEO
Sorry. No more swearing. I promise.

And I don't wilt. That happened just once - and I was drunk and really tired at the time. Who told you about that anyway?

JULIET
Well, do not swear: although I joy in thee,
I have no joy of this contract to-night:
It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden;
Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be
Ere one can say 'It lightens.' Sweet, good night!
This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.
Good night, good night! as sweet repose and rest
Come to thy heart as that within my breast!

ROMEO
Good night? Don't tell me that you're just going to leave me out here like this. A man can die if he gets excited and doesn't have sex, you know.

JULIET
What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?

ROMEO
Well, if you're not going to invite me up, I guess I could just go home and, uh, take care of myself - if you know what I mean.

JULIET
I gave thee mine before thou didst request it:
And yet I would it were to give again.

ROMEO
What are you talking about? You haven't given me anything yet, and I'm down here practically begging.

Oh, you're talking about your heart aren't you? I should have known. Women always need a little romance before they give it up.

JULIET
But to be frank, and give it thee again.
And yet I wish but for the thing I have:
My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.

(Nurse calls within)

I hear some noise within; dear love, adieu!
Anon, good nurse! Sweet Montague, be true.
Stay but a little, I will come again.

(Exit, above)

ROMEO
Wait! Who the hell is Frank? Dammit! She's gone. What a waste of a night this is turning out to be.

(Begins to pace, but suddenly stops and turns his head)

What's that noise? I hope it's not her psychotic kinsmen coming to kick my ass.

(Romeo hears. He screeches and peers into the darkness)

Who's there? Don't come any closer. I have a gun!

Shit, they'll never fall for that. They know that guns haven't been invented, yet.

(Picks up a small branch)

Uh, I meant to say that I have a dagger. Yeah...that's it...a dagger. I mean it. It, er, just looks like a branch so that I can trick people into coming close enough for me to stab them.

(Pauses and crouches down, squinting into the darkness)

Phew! It's just a squirrel. I'm gonna have a heart attack out here. That's it. No woman is worth all this. I'll give her to the count of three to come back and then I'm out of here. One...two...she is really beautiful....two and a half....two and three quarters...... You know, maybe I should give her to the count of twenty. That's more fair. I mean, she did ask me to wait.

(One hour later)

Three thousand nine hundred ninety nine and three quarters........Okay, I'll just give her until dawn, but if the sun comes up and she's not back, I'm really out of here. I mean it this time.

Re-enter JULIET, above

JULIET
Three words, dear Romeo, and good night indeed.
If that thy bent of love be honourable,
Thy purpose marriage, send me word to-morrow,
By one that I'll procure to come to thee,
Where and what time thou wilt perform the rite;
And all my fortunes at thy foot I'll lay
And follow thee my lord throughout the world.

Nurse
[Within] Madam!

JULIET
I come, anon.--But if thou mean'st not well,
I do beseech thee--

Nurse
[Within] Madam!

JULIET
By and by, I come:--
To cease thy suit, and leave me to my grief:
To-morrow will I send.

ROMEO
(To himself) She said"By and by I come". (giggles)

In all seriousness, I'm gonna need to take a long swim in a cold moat if she keeps talking like that.

JULIET
A thousand times good night!

Exit, above

ROMEO
Ok, ok. You don't have to say good night a thousand times. I can take a hint.

(Retiring)

Re-enter JULIET, above

JULIET
Hist! Romeo, hist! O, for a falconer's voice,
To lure this tassel-gentle back again!
Bondage is hoarse, and may not speak aloud;
Else would I tear the cave where Echo lies,
And make her airy tongue more hoarse than mine,
With repetition of my Romeo's name.

ROMEO
(To himself) Bondage? Horses? Tongues? This girl's got a little freak in her. I like that.

Who is Echo? Is that the guy with the nose ring that I saw you talking to today? And why does he live in a cave? That's a little strange if you ask me. Hey, while we're on the subject we never did talk about that guy Frank you mentioned before.

I have to be honest here, Juliet. I'm starting to feel like you say this kind of stuff to every guy that comes to your window.

JULIET
Romeo!

ROMEO
Sorry, but that's how I feel. Look, I should really get going. It's clear that you're not going to invite me up there, and I don't want to sit around here waiting to get my ass kicked by your family.

I'm not sure about this whole marriage thing, but I'd really like to see you again. Let's start slow, though. Maybe we can get together for drinks or something one day.

JULIET
At what o'clock to-morrow
Shall I send to thee?

ROMEO
Tomorrow? Yeah, I guess that works for me. Uh, I'm probably going to sleep in a little, so try not to send anyone before noon or so. Tell them to let me know where you want to meet.

Its just a suggestion, but Ye Olde Pub is supposed to have a few bands playing tomorrow. I hear The Tempest is going to be there playing "Full Fathom Five" and then my friend Macbeth's band is headlining. You know their song, "Witches Dances"? It's the one with the amazing lute solo.

(Plays air lute and starts singing off-key)

You know it? Anyway, I think the first band comes on at about 10:30, but maybe we can get there early and have a few grogs before they start.

JULIET
I will not fail: 'tis twenty years till then.
I have forgot why I did call thee back.

ROMEO
Twenty years? What the hell are you talking about? It's only about twenty hours till then.

(To himself) What is it with this woman? I need a translator to figure out what she's saying, she doesn't know the difference between years and hours, and now she forgets why she called me back. If she weren't so damn gorgeous....

(To Juliet)
Well, I'm sure the reason you called me back will come to you. You know where to find me if it does.

JULIET
I shall forget, to have thee still stand there,
Remembering how I love thy company.

ROMEO
Well, that's really sweet, Juliet. I'm touched. But I really should get going. Like I said before, if your family finds me standing here, there won't be anything left of me to love.

JULIET
'Tis almost morning; I would have thee gone:
And yet no further than a wanton's bird;
Who lets it hop a little from her hand,
Like a poor prisoner in his twisted gyves,
And with a silk thread plucks it back again,
So loving-jealous of his liberty.

ROMEO
Are you back on that bondage thing? I've never tried it before, but I'd really love to come up and give it a shot if that's what you're into.

JULIET
Sweet, so would I:
Yet I should kill thee with much cherishing.
Good night, good night! parting is such
sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow.

(Exit above)

ROMEO
Kill me with too much cherishing? I think you're right, maybe we should call it a night. Everyone here seems hell-bent on killing me.

Good night, Juliet.

(Turns to leave)
What a waste of time! Now how the hell am I going to get back over that wall?

Exit