Friday, May 06, 2005

Rhett Dreams

I've just determined that I could never be a script writer. Of course, that's no surprise to anyone who's ever read this blog. However, just to prove my point, I've taken a scene from the dramatic finale of "Gone with the Wind" and re-written Rhett's lines (leaving Scarlett's intact) so that you can see just how bad I am.

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SCARLETT: Rhett, wait for me! Rhett, wait for me! Rhett! Rhett!

(Outside the restroom.)

RHETT: Come in. (laughs)

SCARLETT: (opens door) Rhett!

RHETT: What the....? I was just kidding when I said come in. I didn't really mean it. I'm using the bathroom for crying out loud! It's the one place in this house that I can find some peace and quiet. Now close the door and wait outside. I'll be there in a minute.

(Thirty minutes later Rhett flushes and comes walking out with a folded newspaper under his arm)

Sorry. I ate Mexican food last night and you know what that does to my stomach.

Anyway, I understand that Melanie has passed away. That works out nicely for you, doesn't it?

SCARLETT: Oh, how can you say such things. You know how I loved her really.

RHETT: I know. I saw the video the two of you made. You certainly seemed to, um, appreciate her...If you know what I mean.

SCARLETT: Of course I appreciated her. She thought of everybody except herself. Why her last words were about you.

RHETT: She wasn't still mad at me for posting that video on the internet, was she? I gave her 10% of the profits from the fees I charged to enter the site. What more did she want?

(Sighs) Go ahead, tell me what she said.

SCARLETT: She said, be kind to Captain Butler, he loves you so.

RHETT: Who the hell is this Captain Butler? He'd better hope I never find out. I swear to God, I'll kill the bastard if he ever comes near you......oh......wait. She was talking about me, wasn't she? It's just that it had been so long since she used my real name. I'd actually gotten so used to her calling me 'Stupid Mother******' and 'Hey ***hole' that it was a shock to hear her use it. Uh....what else did she say?

SCARLETT: She said...she asked me to look after Ashley too.

RHETT: You mean to tell me that she actually suggested a threesome from her deathbed?!? It's always nice to have the first wife's permission, isn't it? I think I'll have to pass, though. I'm worried that Ashley will use it as an opportunity to try to bugger me.

No matter how many times I've told him that I'm not into that stuff, he just keeps asking. He tries to convince me that "it's okay to experiment" and that sleeping with a man once or twice won't make me gay. Every time I see him it's the same damn thing. "Just try it Rhett. You might like it." It makes me sick, I tell you.

As a matter of fact, I should leave before he shows up and makes another pass at me.

SCARLETT: What do you mean? What are you doing?

RHETT: Erm......I'm leaving. Sorry, I thought I made that clear. Look, this isn't working out for us any longer, Scarlett. I know that you don't love me, so I'm going to let you have a divorce.

SCARLETT: No! No, you're wrong! Terribly wrong! I don't want a divorce. Oh Rhett, when I knew tonight, when I knew I loved you, I ran home to tell you, oh darling, darling!

RHETT: What did you say? All I heard was "No! No..." To be honest, you tend to babble a lot and so my mind wanders almost every time you open your mouth. What was the last part again?

SCARLETT: This last? Oh Rhett, do listen to me. I must have loved you for years only I was such a stupid fool I didn't know it. Please believe me. You must care! Mellie said you did!

RHETT: I do care, but the truth is that I just can't listen to you go on and on about shopping any longer -- especially since you developed your Laura Ashley fetish. Every day you come home with new blouses, jackets, skirts, tops....it never ends. It's like you love her clothes more than you love me.

SCARLETT: I......I never really loved Ashley.

RHETT: Well, you'd never know that from the credit card bills. Besides, it's so much more than just that. Remember when I came home from London? I hadn't seen you for months and I was horny as all hell, but you wouldn't even come near me.

SCARLETT: I was so glad to see you, I was Rhett, but, but you were so nasty!

RHETT: For the last time Scarlett, telling you that I want to have sex with you isn't being nasty. I'm your husband for chrissakes!

SCARLETT: I wanted you. I wanted you desperately, but I didn't think you wanted me!

RHETT: I can't believe you're bringing that up again! I told you, I was just under pressure that night because I was wondering how we were going to pay off the huge bills you were running up. Besides, you said that it wasn't a big deal. You told me that it happens to every guy at some point and that I shouldn't worry about it. I can see that those were all lies because now I know how you really feel.

Go ahead Scarlett, admit it. It doesn't happen to everyone and it is a big deal.

SCARLETT: Oh, Rhett, Rhett, please don't say that. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything.

RHETT: Oh man, my stomach is acting up again. I should never have eaten those refried beans.

SCARLETT: Rhett, Rhett where are you going?

RHETT: Back to the bathroom. Where did I put the newspaper?

SCARLETT: Please, please take me with you.

RHETT: Take you in there with me? Ugh, that's disgusting! Now who's being nasty, Scarlett? What is it with you? It's like you've developed some kind of weird fetish or something.

SCARLETT: No. I only know that I love you.

RHETT: Well, there are better ways to show your love than sitting in the restroom with me. Now if you'll excuse me....

SCARLETT: Rhett! If you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?

RHETT: Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. All I know is that if you don't get out of my way, I'm not going to be able to make it to the bathroom in time.

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Clearly they're very lucky that I wasn't on hand to help with the original script.*

*Click here if you'd like to see the real script.