Thursday, July 28, 2005

The Week in Pictures IX


Police in Florida have asked for your help in finding a hit and run driver responsible for killing a bird then fleeing the scene. Authorities released a picture of the vehicle taken at the time of the accident and are requesting that anyone with information call 555-TIPS.


NASA received another black eye today when they discovered after lift off that they had accidentally left Space Shuttle Discovery astronaut Soichi Noguchi of Japan behind. He was later found in the waiting room, patiently sitting in a recliner and watching Iron Chef reruns.


NASA blamed the error on Commander Eileen Collins' erroneous inclusion of NASA food service worker Chuck Lindstrom in her pre-flight headcount. Upon realizing that he was stranded aboard the shuttle, a panicked Lindstrom attempted to pry off Mission Specialist Stephen Robinson's helmet.


The excitement didn't end there as shortly after achieving orbit, Discovery nearly collided with a previously unknown space station that had apparently been built by the Ancient Greeks.


Meanwhile, back on earth as millions around the world held their breath as the Shuttle took off for the first time in two years, President Bush took a few moments to catch up on his cartoon watching.


Speaking of cartoons, a 38 year old man in Albequerque, New Mexico stepped forward today claiming to be the illegitimate son of popular cartoon character Bugs Bunny.


In science news, supervillan Ernst Blofeld unveiled his latest killing machine, which he expects will create a great deal of dramatic tension before allowing 007 to barely escape the jaws of death.


After failing to gather any volunteers for their Human Darts Contest, panicked organizers began stuffing random tourists into cannons and firing them at targets hanging from buildings around Rockefeller Plaza.


Celine Dion plead guilty to a moving violation this week and was sentenced to fifty hours of listening her own music. Amnesty International launched a campaign to stop what they called "cruel, inhuman, and degrading punishment."


A local man donated a dozen macaws to the wildlife sanctuary this afternoon. He had purchased the birds to use in what turned out the be a failed marriage proposal. "I could have sworn she said that she loved parrots in the springtime," he said by way of explanation.


Entrepreneurs in Bogota, Columbia have opened a doggy day camp. However, not all of the pooches are happy about the experience, as evidenced by the one who's thought bubble translates to "I'd rather be licking myself."


The week's gratuitous picture: Halle Berry


Fashion designers continue to unveil their latest creations, many of which reflect the hottest trend in plastic surgery: hip implants.


The World Swimming Championships synchronized swimming finals were delayed after an overly enthusiastic fan rushed the pool and jumped on the back of an Italian team swimmer.


Later that day, a Japanese diver dislocated her hips after entering the water incorrectly while attempting an Inward 1-1/2 Somersault Pike. She was rushed to the hospital, but not before receiving several lewd propositions from the judges.


Austrian Daniel Koellerer received similar proposals from several men in the stands after he demonstrated his prowess by swallowing an entire racket handle.


In business news, during a visit to Wiesbaden, Germany, Tibetian spiritual leader the Dalai Lama announced his plans to market a line of Zen binoculars.


And finally, after several centuries of marriage, Santa Claus has divorced Mrs. Claus and moved to Copenhagen, Denmark where he's living in a commune with several of his groupies.

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You'll notice that "The Week in Pictures" is posted a day early. That's because I'm off for a few days of some much deserved hedonistic hellraising, drunken debauchery, and madcap mayhem.

If you promise to behave yourselves, I'll bring back souvenirs for everyone.