Friday, July 01, 2005

The Week in Pictures V

Christo and Jeanne-Claude's plan to trick another community into displaying the "The Gates" unraveled when irate art lovers ripped the fabric to shreds and used it to whip the artists as they were paraded down the street in shame.

The future of the Olympics is in jeopardy after the Olympic rings caught fire and burned when they were placed too close to the Olympic flame.

Zoologists studying the hygiene habits of gorillas in Western Africa were amazed to find that they are far cleaner than originally thought and that they even engage in colonic irrigation.

The city's newest Mexican restaurant is thriving after owners discovered that diners are far more likely to stay longer - and spend more money - if they don't need to rush home to use the bathroom. By installing toilets in the dining area, they found that patrons stay an extra 45 minutes and spend, on average, an additional $30 per table.

Facing an economic crunch, desperate Swiss farmers have resorted to renting advertising space on the sides of their cattle to help earn enough money to feed the emaciated beasts.

The Centers for Disease control released figures this week showing the number of cases of sexually transmitted diseases reported in 2003. Experts expect those figures to decline significantly in future years as a result of three important factors: Brittany Spears' pregnancy, Paris Hilton's engagement, and Ben Affleck's marriage.

Authorities are hunting for a peacock that escaped from the Bronx Zoo this weekend after hiding under an unsuspecting woman's hat.

Biblical scholars were forced to reevaluate the historical accuracy of the Bible after archaeologists conducting an excavation in Israel found a picture that they say proves that Lucifer did not "fall from heaven like lightening" as written in Luke 10:18, but was actually allowed to use the stairs.

Magic Johson remains hospitalized after Destiny's Child's Michelle Williams accidentally crushed his...erm....Johnson....during a performance at the BET awards.

A local man filed a breach of contract suit against a genie he released from captivity. In the complaint, he claims the the defendant intentionally misinterpreted his wish for "a dozen topless, horny women."

An embarrassed Mohamed al Fayed, chairman of Harrods, was forced to escort Brittany Murphy from the premises after the actress became drunk during the kickoff of the upscale department store's summer sale and tried to perform fellatio on a stuffed elephant.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's nuptuals were briefly interrupted when Jennifer Lopez and husband Mark Anthony flew over the proceedings while dining at a table suspended from a hot air balloon. Lopez claims she did it to show Affleck that she's completely over him and that she "couldn't care less that he knocked up that flat-assed, no talent bitch and then had to marry her."

Perhaps due to the excitement, Jennifer Garner went into labor later that evening, eventually giving birth to a baby boy who is the spitting image of his father.

Representatives from Benetton were in Times Square today to unveil their newest product line - bondage devices in a wide variety of playful and vibrant colors designed to cater the the S&M market. Models for the company are pictured above holding a sign with their new advertising slogan.

In a turn of events that surpried no one, Tom Cruise plunged head first into complete insanity this afternoon.

After coming unglued, the actor kidnapped his "War of the Worlds" co-stars Justin Chatwin and Dakota Fanning, and held them captive in an attic where he read "Dianetics" to them and repeatedly offered to "audit" them.

Cruise denied the 11 year-old Fanning's request to speak with her parents, saying "You don't even know what parents are. You see, you don't know the history of parenting. I do. I've read the research papers."

After a tense standoff, Cruise was finally apprehended when he took Fanning outside to show her the giant floating apparition of L. Ron Hubbard that he saw on the horizon.

In sports, nine out of the ten players in a recent World League volleyball match were suspended indefinitely after testing positive for performance enhancing drugs. One official said that their suspicions were raised when "the players started moving around the court faster than hummingbirds on crack."

England's fullback Tom Voyce is recovering from an injury he sustained during Churchill Cup rugby action when Argentina's winger Rafael Carbello misunderstood his coach's exhortions to "get the ball."

Finally, we told you last week about a procedure that Elton John underwent in which he had himself dipped in chocolate in an attempt to halt the aging process. Unfortunately, that treatment failed when he was locked out of his house this weekend and the sun melted his chocolate coating - leaving him looking even older than before.

The story has a happy ending, though, as the entertainer is said to be thrilled with the amount of weight he lost while encased in his protective candy shell.