Friday, July 08, 2005

The Week in Pictures VI

In deference to Braleigh (pronounced Bray-lay), this post is certified 100% Tom Cruise free.1

We begin in Edinburgh where police in full riot gear stormed the 'Carnival for Full Enjoyment' to rescue a group of unemployed, anarchist mimes from thousands of people threatening to beat them senseless. Man, those Scots hate mimes.

When asked for comment on their narrow escape, a spokesman for the mimes said " ."

Meanwhile, at the G8 summit, George Bush specifically requested the seat across from Danish Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rassmussen.

"I think it's so cool that you guys are named after a breakfast pastry." said the President. "I'd love it if Americans were called 'Waffles' or 'Pop Tarts' or something like that."

"But not crepes," he added, "cause I'm still mad at those Frenchies."

In Morocco, hundreds of workers participating in the destruction of cannabis field were hospitalized with severe munchies. Officials investigating the outbreak have yet to identify the cause.

Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin marked the beginning of the Canada Day celebrations with the traditional baby toss. Martin managed a respectable 10 feet (3.05 meters), but still fell well short of the record of 13.5 feet (4.27 meters) set in 1977 by former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau.

Once thought be extremely conservative, Pope Benedict XVI has been remarkably aggressive in his attempts to bring the Roman Catholic church into the 21st century. While priests are still banned from marriage, the Pope has granted them a special dispensation permitting them to have anonymous sex. In Vatican City, several excited Cardinals ran to St. Peter's square and promptly begin hitting on surprised tourists.

In sports, Greece's Zografina Argyrou took home the gold medal in the "Women's Weightlifting and Gene Simmons Imitation" event at the Mediterranean Games in Spain.

An angry dolphin attacked a runway model as she walked the catwalk during the Autumn/Winter 2005-06 Haute Couture collection shows in Paris. The designer is now being called "a bold, brilliant, visionary."

Later at that same show, a model turned her head too quickly, causing everything she's ever learned to spill out of her ear.

Meanwhile, in Sydney, Australian fashion designers held a summit to discuss changing their approach after their designs failed to capture the imagination of the worldwide audience for the twentieth consecutive year.

Gratuitous picture of Jessica Alba.

Tired of being bothered by fans in public, REM singer Michael Stipe had a mask permanently tattooed to his face.

"Hey, it worked for the Lone Ranger and Zorro." explained Stipe.

Boy George, famous for 80's hits such as "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me," "I'll Tumble 4 Ya," and "Karma Chameleon" has also adopted a different look. The singer hopes that his new, more masculine appearance will help him garner a wider audience.

Mariah Carey followed up her Live 8 appearance by posing for pictures with her lone remaining fan. When asked to name his favorite Mariah Carey song, the man replied "She's a singer? Forget it. I thought she was a prostitute."

After months of experimenting with the outer limits of narcissism, Paris Hilton has finally found a way to continually feed her ego. The hotel heiress, famous forcing her fiancee to wear shirts emblazoned with her picture, thus allowing her to stare at herself 24 hours a day.

That's all for now. See you all soon.
1 Except for that statement mentioning Tom Cruise2

2 Erm...and that one....