Friday, July 22, 2005

The Week in Pictures VIII

President Bush surprised supporters at a Republican rally when he arrived wearing a patriotic skirt.

"Sometimes I just like to feel pretty." explained the President.

Unfortunately, the skirt didn't help when he accidentally sat on an ice sculpture a little later that day.

Two sumo wrestlers fell simultaneously during a competition this week, causing the earth to spin out of it's orbit and collide with the moon.

In a related story, a hidden camera at a sumo wrestling school revealed that the hazing of junior wrestlers often manifests itself in the form of diaper wedgies.

Commodities markets plummeted this afternoon on an announcement that this year's corn crop will be smaller than expected.

The IOC invited French President Jacques Chirac to Singapore to tell him they've changed their decision and have awarded the 2012 games to Paris instead of London.

Chirac thought they were serious until Ashton Kutcher walked out, at which point the President jumped up and down, laughed, covered his face, and repeatedly screamed "Mon Dieu! Je ne puis pas croire que j'ai été Punk'd!" 1

Ronald McDonald dyed his hair green and went on a murderous rampage this afternoon, hacking his victims to pieces and leaving body parts strewn around his loft.

After he was arrested, the clown led investigators to two area pools where he had cleverly hidden the limbs of several additional victims.

NASA announced this afternoon that the Deep Impact Probe they intentionally crashed into a comet on July 4 has sent back pictures of an alien crying abot the pollution created by the explosion.

In business news, the Electrocutionland theme park opened for business this week.

A jubilant but exhausted Otis and Larlene Kidd won the "Mudpit Sex with your Mother" competition at the 10th Annual Redneck Games in East Dublin, Georgia.

In an ironic turn of events, Hurricanene Emily blew a Great White shark ashore in front of a store called "Jaws" in South Padre Island, Texas. The shark devoured an unsuspecting traffic officer, a Dodge Pickup, and dozens of trays of nachos before gusting winds blew it back into the water.

Gratuitousus picture of Angelina Jolie2

MaskMaker Inc. announced record second quarter earnings as a result of unexpectedly strong sales among women of a recently released mask design.

How odd. I just had a dream about this very thing last night. Well, actually it was a more of a fantasy.

The Russian Federation synchronized swimming team took home the gold medal at the FINA World Championships in Montreal for their near perfect underwater orgy routine.

In retaliation for last week's gun incident, competing riders in the Tour de France rolled a giant bale of hay into the path of yellow jersey holder Lance Armstrong. The reigning champion was slightly injured when he fell on a needle that had inexplicably been lodged in the haystack.

Kelly Osbourne is suing her stylist after he gave her a haircut that she says was "intentionally designed to make me look like a giant, walking penis."

And finally, Sandra Bullock married "Monster Garage" head mechanic Jesse James, in a surprise sunset ceremony this week.

As Bullock left the ranch after the reception, reporters shouted "How big is it?"

After spreading her hands apart to show them, the embarassed actress realized they were referring to the diamond on the vintage-inspired engagement ring that James had designed for her and not to his manhood.
1 "My God! I can't believe I've been Punk'd!" 3

2 This week's gratuitous picture is dedicated to
Jen, Sandra, and LmaC.

3 Full credit goes to Roger for pretty much writing this joke.