Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Fifty-Five Words and an Interview

Today and today only, you get two posts for the price of one! That means that not only will you have the abject misery of reading my normal ramblings, but as an added bonus you get the answers to the interview questions that MJ asked me.
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Fifty Five Fiction
A while back, I heard about a contest called "Fifty-Five Fiction" which writers are challenged to create short stories using fifty-five words or less. Now I have enough trouble writing when there are no limits imposed, so you can only imagine how difficult this was. Anyway, rather than bore you with the details, I thought I'd bore you with the story I wrote.

He giggled drunkenly as he dialed the number scrawled on the wall above the urinal.

"Hello?"

Her sultry voice was somehow vaguely familiar.

"Hi. I'm interested in having a good time." he said.

"$250 an hour, cash up front." she replied.

"Deal."

He frowned as she gave him the address.

"Mom!?! Is that you?"

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Interview with MJ
In what I'm sure I will one day look back upon as the highlight of my life, I've been fortunate enough to be "interviewed" by the lovely and talented MJ.1

She was pretty strict about the fact that the rules must be posted with the answers. However, regular visitors to this blog already know that that I'm a rebel, so I refuse to do it. In the immortal words of Craig Hoffman on "Family Guy":

"Uh, that's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own. Which I would never do. I play by my own rules, nobody else's. Not even my own."

In fact, just to prove my point, I'm going to answer the questions in whatever order I want.

Question 1
What's the most metrosexual thing you've ever done (i.e.,, gotten yourself a facial, obsessed over matching the colors of your bathroom accessories, manscaped, etc.)?

Manscaped

**pause while everyone dry heaves***

I can say unequivocally that with the exception of one key area, it hardly seems worth the effort. Otherwise, I have no absolutely no desire to explore any aspects of metrosexuality.

Question 2
I've heard many men say jokingly about various ideas and feats of ingenuity, "Oh man, that gives me a boner." Have you ever, in fact, gotten physically aroused upon being inspired in a non-sexual way?

Erm...no. I mean, I understand the theory, but I'm not sure about the application. Feats of ingenuity impress me, but they just don't excite me in that way.

Now farm animals, on the other hand, are an entirely different story...

I'm KIDDING.

Really.

I am.

Please stop looking at me like that....

Question 3
Fill in the blanks (but NOT with house, rock, or knock): When the ________ is ______ing don't come a-______ing!

That's easy...

When the church is praying, don't come a-round with your rock music and dancing because Beaumont's Bible-thumping minister, Reverend Moore banned them both after four local teenagers - including his son - died a few years earlier in a drunk driving accident while coming home from a dance, thus adding a surprising (yet corny) depth to the Reverend's convictions.

Loose, footloose / Kick off your Sunday shoes / Please, Louise / Pull me offa my knees /Jack, get back / C'mon before we crack / Lose your blues / Everybody cut footloose

Ugh, I really hate that movie.2

Question 4
If you discovered that a woman, whom you know to be a friend of a friend, was into DVDA, would you:

a - be disgusted and unable to look her in the eye ever again
b - be strangely fascinated and ask your friend to let you know if there ever was an opportunity to watch (in person or on video)
c - want to tap that
d - other (explain)


I'm not sure any of these answers apply. Let's examine them one at a time.

a - I certainly wouldn't be disgusted. DVD Addiction is a sickness like any other, and people who suffer from it deserve our support and compassion as they struggle to regain their standing as productive members of society.

b - This sounds like nothing more than substituting one addiction (DVD) with another (video). If you're talking about me watching her watch DVDs either in person or on video, I just don't see the attraction in either.

c - I guess it depends what she looks like but I can't imagine how this is relevant.

d - Perhaps this is the best answer. I think I'd do my best to help by holding an intervention, then canceling her Netflix subscription and starting a neighborhood watch campaign to drive those unscrupulous DVD dealers out of the area.

When I think about it, it'd probably be some combination of a, b, and c.

What really impresses me, though, is that someone has actually thought long enough about this topic to both name it and come up with an acronym for it.

Question 5
If you were to travel back in time with a video camera to your favorite or most memorable sexual experience and record the action, then when you got back to today decided to distribute it on the porn market, what would the title of the "movie" be and what would you re-name the characters, including your old self?

Okay, MJ, this question just shows how little you know about me. Let's think about this for a moment. In order to answer this question, I'd have to find someone to sleep with me and, let's be honest, at this point in my life that's not likely to happen. I'm mean, "The 40 Year Old Virgin" was actually based on my yet to be published autobiography.

But if I were fortunate enough to have a favorite or memorable sexual experience to recall, the title of the "movie" would be along the lines of "Joe's Week of Mind Blowing Sex with Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie, and Rosario Dawson" Granted, it's an unwieldy title, but it is pretty descriptive.

Now if I did make this movie, I'd never re-name the characters. In fact, I'd buy a billboard in Times Square with my real name splashed across it.

On a more serious note, I could name any of the experiences I had with my ex-girlfriend. They were all amazing (most notably the weekend in San Francisco) and will be seared in my memory forever in much the same way every moment I spent with her is.

With that in mind, the movie would probably be a montage called "The Best Two Years Of My Life" with characters named Don De Esta (me) and Ramona (her).

Sorry. I know that's hurl-worthy but it's the truth...and about as honest an answer as you'll ever get out of me.

God, I'm pathetic....

Okay, that's enough embarrassing revelations about me for one day. After this, I'm certain that I'll never see most of you again. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

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1 The black and white picture above was taken by MJ's publicists during the interview which, for some reason, she insisted on conducting in a barn. You'll also notice that the man in the picture isn't me. That's because MJ and her publicists insisted that she not be photographed with me. Apparently it has something to do with her having an image to uphold or some such nonsense...

2 Special note for
High Desert Diva's eyes only: Erm...Don't believe a thing I said up there about hating Footloose. Clearly, it's one of the greatest movies of all time.3

3 Special note for
geekdarling's eyes only: Erm...Don't believe a thing I said up there about it being for HDD's eyes only. The previous footnote was meant for you, too..4

4 Special note for
High Desert Diva's eyes only: In the event that you read the comment above, which was meant for geekdarling's eyes only, I didn't really mean anything I said to her. The addendum was meant for you , and you alone. I just didn't want any ill will in the air during her upcoming visit with you since I know I'll be the main topic of conversation between the two of you.