Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Jesus Saves

Jesus Saves?

Its pronounced Jesus Saves

That's what I said.

No, you didn't. You said Jesus Saves. It's pronounced Jesus Saves.

Okay, I think I see the problem here. Why don't you sound out your name?

Why?

So the people people reading this. will know.

The people reading this? What are you talking about.

Trust me, Jesus. Just do as I ask.

Okay, fine. My name is Hey-seuss Sah-veys.

Great. Now that we got that out of the way, why don't you go ahead tell your story.

Well, I had just arrived in the city on a business trip and my secretary had arranged for a car service to pick me up at the airport. When I got off of the plane - or deplaned as they like to say - I noticed a man standing nearby holding a Bible and a cardboard sign with my name on it. He was pretty poorly dressed and, in retrospect, I guess that should have been my first clue.

I walked up to him, pointed at his sign, and said "That's me".

The guy looked at his sign and then back at me.

"You're Jesus?" he said.

"It's pronounced Hey-seuss." I told him.

You don't need to keep sounding out your name.

Okay. It's just that you told me before...

I know, but you only need to do it once.

Okay, so the guy looks at me like I've got two heads, and then he starts walking without even offering to carry my bag. Naturally, I assume we're heading for the car, so I follow him. He keeps looking back over his shoulder as he speeds up and I assumed that he wanted to make sure I was keeping up with him.

By the time he gets near his car, he's in a full sprint. He fumbles for his keys, unlocks the door and starts the car just as I catch up with him. I'm pretty pissed off and tired by now, so I jerk open the back door, throw my bag across the seat, jump in, and shoot him a dirty look.

I guess he can tell that I'm annoyed and I figure that he's starting to worry about his tip because says to me "Just stay calm, buddy. I'll do whatever you say.'"

So I say to the guy "Look, if you'd just get me to the Marriott without playing any more games we'll get along fine.'"

Jesus rubbed his eyes and slumped forward wearily. The events of the last few hours had taken a toll on him and he appeared to have aged nearly 10 years as a result.

Who are you talking to?

The readers.

Again?

Relax, I'm just setting the scene. Continue...

Where was I? Oh, right. So he says "Sure. Whatever you say. You're the boss."

So we're driving down the interstate and I'm just starting to relax when the guy starts getting chatty. He says "Jesus, I ask that you to intercede on my behalf with your all powerful Father so that he may deliver me from harm."

Now my father isn't all that powerful - he's just a retired guy who likes to walk around the house in his underwear. Obviously, I'm wondering how he could possibly know my father - and why he holds him in such high regard - so I ask him.

"How do you know my father? And why do you hold him is such high regard."

He eyes me in the rear view mirror and says "I came to know him about five years ago. I was at a low point in my life, desperate and alone and I had nobody to turn to. I called to him in my hour of need and he was there for me. I can honestly say that I wouldn't be here if it weren't for him."

"My father got you this job?" I asked incredulously.

"I guess you could say that." he replied.

I sat back and pondered that for the remainder of the trip.

We arrived at the hotel, and he pulled near the entrance. I climbed out of the car and put my suitcase on the curb but when I turned to pay the guy, he was already gone.

I went into the hotel and checked in. I left a message with the desk, figuring that sooner or later he'd realize that I didn't pay and he'd come back. I didn't want him to think I'd stiffed him, you know?

I'd just settled into my room when the police knocked on my door and arrested me for carjacking. I tried to explain, but they didn't want to hear it.

Anyway, this is all new to me, but I'm sure you've dealt with this kind of incident before. The hearing is in about an hour. Do you think the judge will believe my story?

I have no idea

What do you mean you have no idea? What kind of an attorney are you?

Attorney? I'm not an attorney, Jesus. I'm just the narrator.