Friday, September 02, 2005

The Week In Pictures XIII

We begin this week on a serious note with the incredible devastation wrought along the Gulf Coast by Hurricane Katrina. Please consider assisting the victims of this disaster by clicking on one of the buttons below or by making a donation to the charity of your choice.

Now back to our regularly scheduled pathetic attempts at humor, or what I like to refer to as "The Weak in Pictures"

As relief workers scrambled to provide Katrina's victims with food, shelter, medical supplies, and the latest news on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the Virgin Mary flew into the region to witness the destruction first hand.

Meanwhile, a New Orleans rug dealer hung a sign outside his store neatly summarizing how I felt every night during my decade long marriage.

In Nashville, Tennessee, a vat at the Heinz factory sprung a leak sending millions of gallons of ketchup into the street and washing away numerous passing pedestrians.

In local news, police raided and shut down a canine brothel offering services ranging from "bone chews" to "doggie style" escapades.

In Tartarstan, terrified local police took to hiding in alleyways as a three headed dragon roamed the streets.

As economic reforms slowly continue in China, impoverished gymnasts have begun renting themselves out as elaborate candelabras.

Harry Potter fans were shocked and dismayed to learn that the seventh and final installment of the series is on indefinite hold as a result of the young wizard having been turned into a marble statue by his arch foe Draco Malfoy.

Elizabeth Hurley was arrested for sexual misconduct after repeatedly groping a model during an appearance at a Sydney department store.

In business news, rising oil prices and increasing competition have forced air carriers to seek out ever cheaper methods of transporting their customers.

This week's gratuitous picture for Roger: Fries

This week's gratuitous picture for everyone else: Elisha Cuthbert

Our lesson of the week (a brand new feature!) comes from my internet crush, the incomparable High Desert Diva (who is, at this very moment likely recovering from overexposure to paint fumes): Culinary Jargon Translated

No reason for this picture, I just wanted to show you what the world looks like to me about halfway through my customary Friday evening "Get out with your friends and forget how miserable your life is" drink-fests.

In sports, the Tour de France continues for a group of riders who got lost during the seventh stage of the race.

But they have nothing on this marathon runner from Mexico who wandered off course during the 1968 Summer Olympics in Mexico City and has been searching for the finish line ever since. She was reportedly last seen in the vicinity of Santiago, Chile.

And finally, famed archeologist Festinog located the long-lost Ark of the Covenant in Cairo, Egypt only to have it stolen by his nemesis, French archeologist Rene Belloq, who planned to use it to help an evil dictator render his rising army invincible.

According to our intrepid reporter Lavinia, Festi, along with Marion Ravenwood, the tough-minded and independent daughter of Festi's former professor, were later caught trying to infiltrate Belloq's camp in an attempt to regain the artifact. They were reportedly tied up and forced to view a ceremony in which Belloq opened the Ark in front of a group of soldiers.

What happened next is still under investigation, but sources indicate that strange and mysterious spirits emerged, causing Belloq's head to explode, the sadistic Colonel Dietrich to dry up like a raisin, his assistant Toht to melt, and the additional soldiers to die in various gruesome, and usually lightning related ways.

Festi and Marion are considered suspects in the deaths as authorities are suspicious of their story that the two were spared because Festi shut his eyes instructed Marion to do the same after he realized that the spirits must not be viewed.

Sadly, after a drunken celebration that evening, Festi blacked out and has no absolutely idea where he left the Ark.