Monday, October 31, 2005

Why I Should Never Listen to Roger

My knee is killing me today, but I can't figure out why. It probably has something to do with having a fairly active weekend. Just to be sure, let's recap the events and see if we can figure out what happened.

Took advantage of a respite from work to go hiking upstate. Being the dumbass that I am, I neglected to bring my camera (hence the stock photo you see to the right), so rather than having a million pictures of it, I was forced to try to memorize the stunning foliage. I hate it when I forget my camera. The world is so much easier to understand when you can capture it on a flash card.

Resulting Knee Pain: None

Sunday Afternoon/Evening
Stumbled across a new outdoor ice rink in midtown called "The Pond at Bryant Park" and took advantage of the relatively small crowds by skating for an hour or so.

Afterwards, I went to get an early dinner at this nice little Scottish place called McDonald's. While there I overheard some people talking about the "Derailed" premiere at the Loews Theater in Lincoln Center so I strolled over to stand with the crowds catching a glimpse of celebrities as they...uh....went to watch a movie. Being the dumbass that I am, I neglected to bring my camera (hence the stock photo you see to the right). Before I got too bored to stay any longer, I caught a glimpse of Sting and his wife, Clive Owen1, and Jennifer Aniston. And before you ask, the answered is yes, I did remain the court ordered 50 yards away from Ms. Aniston at all times.

1 Erm....I don't mean to imply that Clive Owen is married to Sting. He's not, of course. I just suck at punctuation.

Resulting Knee Pain: None

Sunday Night
Arrived home and went jogging in the park where I met a nice homeless man who decided that I was sneaking up on him.2 Consquently, he defended himself by clubbing my knee with a branch that he had apparently been carrying for that very purpose. He followed this up by yelling at me for having the audacity to break said branch with my knee - thereby leaving him unprotected in the event that any other joggers came near him. As he remained armed with the (now broken) stick, I apologized profusely and stumbled onward.

2 Now I realize it was a dark and moonless night, but I fail to see how he could have avoided hearing me, especially considering the fact that my heart problem sometimes causes shortness of breath when I run - which has the unfortunate side effect of causing me to wheeze like an asthmatic hippo.

Resulting Knee Pain: A lot

Hmmm.....I think I've discovered the reason for my newfound limp.

Remind me to never again stalk a homeless man -- and to never let Roger inspire me to do stupid things like go running.

The Marriage Counselor3

"He's a lazy, disgusting pig."

"We've discussed this before Myra," cautioned the counselor. "Name calling doesn't help. You need to find a respectful way to tell your husband exactly what's bothering you."

"Okay, how's this? You refuse to get a job. You stay out all night, every night. You sleep all day. You never help around the house. You don't bathe..."

The counselor interrupted her.

"I think that's enough for now, Myra. We don't want to beat him up, we just want to help him understand the genesis of your anger."

He turned to the husband.

"How do you feel about the things your wife just said?"

"She knew what she was getting into when we got married. That's more than I can say for myself. She used to be so sweet, innocent and understanding."

His wife could hold her tongue no longer.

"So is that your excuse for coming home every morning smelling of perfume? And don't think I believe your stories about how you were at the all night WalMart sampling fragrances for my birthday."

"Well maybe I wouldn't have to go elsewhere if you were a little less frigid."

"Oh, now everything is my fault? Just because I don't lay down and open my legs every time you give me those bedroom eyes? That shit worked when I was younger, but I'm not falling for it any more."

"Let me jump in here for a moment." said the doctor. "Perhaps we should try a different approach to rekindle the intimacy in your relationship. Why don't you try going out on dates with each other? There's that new restaurant that just opened on Main Street. I went there for lunch the other day. Its very romantic and the steak and garlic mashed potatoes are out of this world!"

The husband shook his head.

"Steak gives me heartburn...and garlic doesn't agree with me, either."

"What's with you and the garlic? Its not like you can possibly smell any worse..." said his wife.

"Myra..." cautioned the doctor.

"Sorry Doctor. This is just so upsetting."

"I know, and that's why you two are here - so that you can learn how to work through your issues. marriage."

The doctor consulted his notes.

"Myra, I want to go back to something you said before about your husband being away from home a lot. It sounds like you're pretty lonely. Have you considered getting a pet of some sort?"

"I'd love to have a dog, but every time we get one, it runs away." answered Myra.

"Maybe it figures that one bitch in the house is enough..." snapped her husband.

The doctor took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes wearily.

"Look, our time is about up. Before you go, let's try something new. Myra, is there anything - no matter how small or trivial it may seem - that your husband can do between now and our next visit to show that you that he cares?"

"Well, I suppose he could clean up after himself a little..." she began, before glancing over at her husband. "What are you rolling your eyes for?!? Its your mess, you know. Do you have any idea difficult it is to get guano out of the carpet?"

The doctor stood up, signaling an end to the session.

"Okay, Mr. and Mrs. Dracula, we're going to need to stop here and pick this up next week. In the meantime, I want you two to practice being a little nicer to each other." he said as he walked them into the waiting room.

"Do you think there's any hope for us, Doctor?" asked the Count.

"Well, Vlad, we have a lot of work ahead of us before we know for sure. Why don't we just keep working through your issues and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

Vlad blanched.

"Erm...would you mind not using the word 'cross', Doctor?"

"Sorry" replied the doctor.

The Count and his wife stepped aside to allow the next couple to enter the doctor's office. They were a strange pair. The woman looked ordinary in every way, but her husband was a giant lobster. As he helped his wife put on her jacket, he amused himself by using his excellent hearing to eavesdrop on their session.

"I just can't believe how self-centered he is" said the woman.

"That's not fair" said the lobster "You knew I was shellfish before we got married."
3 This Halloween story is dedicted to 'L' on her favorite holiday. You may never see this, but thank you for reminding me about of the joys of childhood, for never letting me lose that sense of wonder, and - for an all to brief period -making me happier than I ever thought possible.

Friday, October 28, 2005

The Week In Pictures XXI

TBCTMJF(I)FNR has just completed it's first week of existence, and I'm proud to say that we've already made significant progress towards our goal of making me the world's most famous person.

Let's take a quick look around the world...

United States
It started off with a bang when I finally achieved the honor being added to the prestigious NP4J's blog links. From there, things took off. Later that day, Doug mentioned me in the same paragraph as New York's famous Naked Cowboy. Meanwhile, in our nation's capital, Alice has been diligently passing out "that's MR joe to you, bitches!" t-shirts to everyone she meets.

Jen has thus far refused to have anything to do with the project, thus reaffirming her intelligence and good taste.

South Africa
Soffy not was not only nice enough to write a blog post about me, but I believe that she's on the verge of convincing her father to throw the support of the German Mafia in South Africa my way.

Ultratoast has developed a plan to penetrate the House of Commons in London with a JOE IS THE MOST FAMOUS BIPED t-shirt and flag combo and then to wear a t-shirt saying RANDOM THOUGHTS GOT ME CAUGHT during the trial.

For the first time, Random Thoughts has a theme song, courtesy of the head of the Space Program Trevor - a man who is soon to be famous in his own right. LMizzle former member of the duo Wham! and current editor of the world-renowned "Scrapbookin' with Giant Robots" blog also dedicated an entire post to me - even referring to me as the bee's knees (a higher honor simply doesn't exist).

For a while, I even thought people were following Braleigh around simply because of her JEMG (Joe Equals MY God) shirt and the brochures she hands out, but it turns out that people simply follow her because she's Braleigh (rumor has it Al Pacino is among her biggest fans). Apparently, they show their devotion to her by (in no specific order):

Having terrifying dreams about her that will result in years of psychotherapy;
Ordering her to stay out of their neighborhood;
Pummelling her until her organs liquefy, and;
Showing her the bicycle tattoos on their respective asses

All things considered, it was a stunning start for TBCTMJF(I)FNR. Keep up the good work, everyone!

Now on to The Week in Pictures...

President Bush received another embarrassing setback when he fell asleep in the midst of delivering a speech yesterday.

U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald added insult to injury when he took a few moments during the press conference announcing Scooter Libby's indictment to speculate about the penis size of the Vice President's former Chief of Staff.

Exxon Mobil Corp. Chairman and CEO Lee Raymond celebrated his company's huge third quarter profit surge by having plastic surgery to add three extra chins.

Struggling carrier United Airlines announced that they plan to take advantage of this spring's Midwestern tornado season by offering flights to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"...

...this after their planned addition of routes to the moon failed when it turned out that the planes were too large to land there.

Landscapers in Florida have begun planting trees horizontally after discovering that it not only makes them less susceptible to hurricane damage, but that homeowners find it preferable since it makes it easier to prune branches and rescue trapped kittens.

As part of it's ongoing downtown revitalization process, New York City has given the Statue of Liberty a much needed makeover.

Snowpeople in Vermont are walking the picket lines after negotiations to provide workers with their choice of breast implants or paid vacations to Florida broke down.

The Headless Horseman died after he was brutally mauled by a polar bear shortly after leaving his home in Sleepy Hollow.

Famed blogger Ultra Toast Mosha God tested his newly purchased motorcycle by challenging a fellow traveler to a breathtaking race through the English countryside.

Unfortunately, Ultra lost the race when was overtaken just one mile from the finish line after his bike ran out of gas.

Before we get to the song of the week, I'd like to take a moment to apologize to Jesus for mocking Him in a recent story about His carpenter days. I was not aware that He owns and operates a successful construction company in Seattle. I sincerely apologize for any pain and distress I may have caused him.*

*Note to Jesus' attorneys: Is that enough to convince you to drop the defamation of character suit?

This weeks song of the week is "Sumthin' Sumthin': Mellowsmoothe Cut" from the Love Jones soundtrack and is dedicated to UfB in light of her comments regarding her love for Maxwell.

Gratuitous picture of Monica Bellucci

In our final installment of the doggie brothel saga, we take a look back at what's happened to a few of the key players in that scandal.

Co-defendant Scotty Whiskers recently took a job as a valet at an upscale restaurant in New York's affluent Westchester County.

Former enforcer Spike recently began work as a security guard at a pumpkin patch where he keeps overzealous children from depleting the holiday supply.

And the alleged brothel mastermind "Slick Willie" is back on the streets, pimping in New York's Times Square.

One famous presenter was virtually unnoticed as she walked past a throng of fans waiting outside of the Hollywood Awards Gala Ceremony in Beverly Hills.

Of course, she was immediately recognizable when she emerged from make-up a few hours later.

Following the lead of WNBA MVP Sheryl Swoopes, Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen came out of the closet by kissing one of his players as they celebrated on the field after their World Series clinching victory.

Few were surprised by the revelation in light of the frequent "friendly massages" he gave former Tampa Bay Devil Rays teammate Jose Canseco...

...or the kiss he tried to give an umpire during a heated (and passionate) argument earlier this year.

Meanwhile, most of the White Sox attributed their surprising run to the championship to the mascot and good luck charm that they took turns hanging in their lockers throughout the season - former Journey lead singer Steve Perry.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

By Popular Demand

After my most recent post, NP4J and Sirreene offered some very specific suggestions about how I can best go about achieving the fame I seek. I won't repeat their comments but I will say that reading them left me with a difficult decision.

At first, I scoffed at the suggestion, but the more I considered their advice, the more comfortable I became. After all, I am pretty proud of him -- so much so that I've even gone so far as to bequeath upon him the majestic name of Don DeEsta.

In fact, it's because of him that there has never been a time in which I've walked into the room and felt that I stood second to any man there. He's made me more cocksure (pardon the pun) than I ever deserved to be.

So after much soul-searching, I've decided to post a picture of Don.

As NP4J (or is it Beck? I always get the two of them confused...) would say:

"Hell yes! Please enjoy..."

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

A Dark (Roasted) Vision of the Future

As you may have noticed, I've lacked direction of late. Like a rudderless ship, I've been behind the eight ball, searching for silver linings on the road to nowhere. (For some reason, I also find myself mixing metaphors)

Hopefully, all of that is about to change.

After much soul searching, I've finally come up with a LifePlanTM but I need your help to bring it to fruition. As those of you who've been here before can attest, I have no discernible talent. In that way I'm kind of like the Paris Hilton or Carson Daly of blogging - but without the fame and fortune. To rectify that,1 I've decided to begin The Bloggers Campaign to Make Joe Famous for No Reason or TBCTMJFFNR for short.2

Of course, I can't do this alone - particularly in light of the no-talent thing I mentioned above - so I'm asking you to mobilize me become famous for no reason.3 Don't worry about how you go about doing it.4 I have faith in you. After all, if you can't trust a group of people you've 'met' over the internet, who can you trust?

So what are you waiting for? Get out there and start making me famous!

1 Correction: The new acronym will be TBCTMJF(I)FNR. The (I) stands for Immediately. Thanks to Doug for pointing out the obvious flaw in my plan.

2 The fame and fortune part, I mean. Not the talent part. I'm beyond hope where that's concerned.

3 Erm...I guess that was been pretty obvious from the committee name.

4 Although hats, t-shirts, posters, buttons, and a tattoo on your forehead all seem like reasonable places to start.

A Dark (Roasted) Vision of the Future

Starbucks had long ago taken over ever store in the city. With no external competitors they turned on each other, waging an all out war for profits. Rival gangs sprung up with the sole purpose of forcing competing stores out of business.

The Second Avenue Grande Lattes, led by the brutal No Foam were among the most notorious. For nearly a decade, they'd ruled the Upper East Side with an iron fist. Now, for the first time, they faced a legitimate threat.

Rumor had it that the Midtown Macchiatos were looking to expand their turf and had decided that the Grandes were the perfect target. The Grandes were nervous, and deservedly so - for the Macchiatos leader, Decaf Frap, wasn't one to act on impulse. He did his homework before making a move, researching year over year same store sales, customer satisfaction indexes, and even restroom cleanliness of his targets.

The Grades had closed the store early to hold a strategy meeting. A quick scan of the room showed small groups nervously chattering as they clustered at the wooden tables scattered around the store. Others tried their best to relax in the cushy armchairs reserved for the upper echelon of the gang. The fact that No Foam had yet to arrive for such an important event had them even more on edge. Still more tried to work of the tension by rearranging the sales racks and moving slow selling items to the clearance area.

The din nearly drowned out Iron and Wine's acoustic cover of "99 Luftballoons" (from the latest Hear music compilation featuring bands you've never heard of singing offbeat versions of songs you barely remember and on sale for just $14.99 on the spin rack near the register) playing in the background.

In the absence of No Foam, the gang's second in command, Vanilla Creme, called the meeting to order and began to speak.

"We've all heard the rumors about the Macchiattos exploring a hostile takeover of our stores. It looks like those rumors are true. Over the past week alone, they've cut off our Arabica bean supply, and hijacked a truck of brand merchandise - including our entire limited edition Halloween Cat Bearista supply!"

He paused and looked around the room. He saw the terror in their eyes and wished that No Foam were there to reassure them. Without his cunning business saavy and sadistic murderous streak the Grandes were lost.

The silence was interrupted by a knock at the door. Rainbow Cookie hopped off of his stool and opened the small speakeasy door they'd recently installed in lieu of a peephole.

"May I help who's next?" he said, using the time-honored secret question and waiting to hear the password that would identify the visitor as friend. When there was no reply, he repeated the question, this time peering out in the hopes of seeing an impatient No Foam waiting to be let in. Instead, he received a face full of steamed milk. He fell to floor, screaming in agony.

A folded newspaper flew through the open panel and landed on the floor with a thwack. One of the gang's lieutenants, Chai T, calmly stepped over the writhing body, picked up the paper and brought it over to Vanilla Creme.

VC closed is laptop (wireless internet access being the main perk of gang membership) and put it in the backpack hanging over his chair. He opened the package and when he saw what it contained, he stood up and slung the backpack over his shoulder.

"Forget it boys. Its all over and we've lost."he said, before walking out into the street and leaving the rest of them behind.

The rest of the gang gathered around the package, shaking their heads in disbelief.

"What does it mean?" asked Chantico - the newest member of the gang.

Chai T shook his head.

"It means its over, kid. No Foam sleeps with the coffee grounds."

Friday, October 21, 2005

The Week in Pictures XX

It's the historic 20th edition of the Week in Pictures and we all know what that means -- only ten more weeks before I get to make jokes about the XXX edition!

I can hardly wait...

In honor of this historic event, I thought it would be fun to do a quick retrospective of what was going on in the world when this feature began:

  • George W. Bush was the president of the United States.
  • The U.S. was involved in the war in Iraq
  • Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were an item
  • Coldplay and U2 were among the most popular bands in the world
  • Gas and oil prices were sky high
  • The New England Patriots were the defending Super Bowl champions

The list goes on and on, but I think you get the point. As fun as it is to look back on were we were, it's even more amazing to see how far we've come.

Anyway, on to the Week in Pictures.

Tiny Liechtenstein launched it's space program, which is focused on searching for signs of other intelligent life in the universe, by strapping cell phones to a pair of birds and firing them from a cannon.

A record number of American men and women dreamed that they were walking outside in their underwear last night.

Ironically, this happened one week to the day after a record number of Japanese men dreamed that they were walking through Manhattan wearing nothing but a Mawashi.

Tibetan author and singer Somanme Yangchen is reveling in her newfound freedom after doctors discovered that she's not conjoined at the arm with her identical twin, but instead has been leaning on a mirror since early childhood.

Calling it "cost prohibitive" to build another Death Star, Darth Vader is considering moving the Empire's headquarters to New York's Times Square area.

The International Committee on the Rights of Sex Workers in Europe (ICRSE),called on the European Parliament in Brussels to end the criminalization of the sex industry and give prostitutes the same social rights as other workers. Parliament said they would consider the request if the ICRSE promised to send better looking prostitutes to their next meeting.

Prostitutes from the recently shuttered doggie brothel that were at the meeting said they hope to open a new brothel in Paris sometime this spring.

A Hungarian couple was arrested for Public Lewdness after performing the Karma Sutra's "Congress of a Crow" in a Budapest department store.

Dorothy paid tribute to her Auntie Em and Glinda, the good witch, by having their faces tattooed on her feet.

A mysterious caped troll terrorized the patrons of the Chelsea Piers sports center before making a daring escape up the rock climbing wall.

Former cartoon star Porky Pig swallowed a man whole before jumping into a kayak and leading police on a wild chase down the East River.

This week's gratuitous picture: Bridget Moynahan

Gratuitous pic for NP4J: Jennifer Lopez*

*Just my way of apologizing after incurring her wrath for a J-Lo joke a few weeks back, and of cheering her up after reading the heartbreaking post she wrote yesterday.

Song of the Week is Maxwell's ...Til the Cops Come Knockin'

Fashionable bank robbers are turning to stripes this autumn, saying that black masks have become cliched and tiresome.

Publishers have begun churning out tiny books to help people who feel that they don't have time to read.

They've also begun publishing huge books for people with entirely too much time on their hands.

Fitness enthusaists who once sought "six-pack" abs have now turned their attention to the more difficult to acheive "thirty-three egg" abs.

Environmentalists have begun picketing trees who, they say, are polluting our waterways by carelessly dropping leaves into them each autumn.

Sensing that his political careeer may be coming to a close, White House Senior Advisor Karl Rove has branched out into the fashion industry by marketing a line of skull caps and veils.

Hong Kong Justice Secretary Wong Ryan Lung came under fire Tuesday from lawmakers wanting to know why his shadow looks like a woman facing the opposite direction.

The New School is offering a new course designed to teach women what to do in the event that I ask them out.

The world's first animatronic penis was unveiled this week. It not only walks, but also recognizes and responds to commands such as "harder," "faster," and "Not tonight, I have a headache."

On a related note, an unnamed pharmaceutical company is seeking FDA approval for a pill that will allow men to more easily determine when a woman is aroused.

And finally, in sports, former Chinese pole vaulter Zhou Yang set a new world record of 183 in the run, jump, and catch raindrops on your tongue competition.