Monday, October 31, 2005

Why I Should Never Listen to Roger

My knee is killing me today, but I can't figure out why. It probably has something to do with having a fairly active weekend. Just to be sure, let's recap the events and see if we can figure out what happened.

Took advantage of a respite from work to go hiking upstate. Being the dumbass that I am, I neglected to bring my camera (hence the stock photo you see to the right), so rather than having a million pictures of it, I was forced to try to memorize the stunning foliage. I hate it when I forget my camera. The world is so much easier to understand when you can capture it on a flash card.

Resulting Knee Pain: None

Sunday Afternoon/Evening
Stumbled across a new outdoor ice rink in midtown called "The Pond at Bryant Park" and took advantage of the relatively small crowds by skating for an hour or so.

Afterwards, I went to get an early dinner at this nice little Scottish place called McDonald's. While there I overheard some people talking about the "Derailed" premiere at the Loews Theater in Lincoln Center so I strolled over to stand with the crowds catching a glimpse of celebrities as they...uh....went to watch a movie. Being the dumbass that I am, I neglected to bring my camera (hence the stock photo you see to the right). Before I got too bored to stay any longer, I caught a glimpse of Sting and his wife, Clive Owen1, and Jennifer Aniston. And before you ask, the answered is yes, I did remain the court ordered 50 yards away from Ms. Aniston at all times.

1 Erm....I don't mean to imply that Clive Owen is married to Sting. He's not, of course. I just suck at punctuation.

Resulting Knee Pain: None

Sunday Night
Arrived home and went jogging in the park where I met a nice homeless man who decided that I was sneaking up on him.2 Consquently, he defended himself by clubbing my knee with a branch that he had apparently been carrying for that very purpose. He followed this up by yelling at me for having the audacity to break said branch with my knee - thereby leaving him unprotected in the event that any other joggers came near him. As he remained armed with the (now broken) stick, I apologized profusely and stumbled onward.

2 Now I realize it was a dark and moonless night, but I fail to see how he could have avoided hearing me, especially considering the fact that my heart problem sometimes causes shortness of breath when I run - which has the unfortunate side effect of causing me to wheeze like an asthmatic hippo.

Resulting Knee Pain: A lot

Hmmm.....I think I've discovered the reason for my newfound limp.

Remind me to never again stalk a homeless man -- and to never let Roger inspire me to do stupid things like go running.

The Marriage Counselor3

"He's a lazy, disgusting pig."

"We've discussed this before Myra," cautioned the counselor. "Name calling doesn't help. You need to find a respectful way to tell your husband exactly what's bothering you."

"Okay, how's this? You refuse to get a job. You stay out all night, every night. You sleep all day. You never help around the house. You don't bathe..."

The counselor interrupted her.

"I think that's enough for now, Myra. We don't want to beat him up, we just want to help him understand the genesis of your anger."

He turned to the husband.

"How do you feel about the things your wife just said?"

"She knew what she was getting into when we got married. That's more than I can say for myself. She used to be so sweet, innocent and understanding."

His wife could hold her tongue no longer.

"So is that your excuse for coming home every morning smelling of perfume? And don't think I believe your stories about how you were at the all night WalMart sampling fragrances for my birthday."

"Well maybe I wouldn't have to go elsewhere if you were a little less frigid."

"Oh, now everything is my fault? Just because I don't lay down and open my legs every time you give me those bedroom eyes? That shit worked when I was younger, but I'm not falling for it any more."

"Let me jump in here for a moment." said the doctor. "Perhaps we should try a different approach to rekindle the intimacy in your relationship. Why don't you try going out on dates with each other? There's that new restaurant that just opened on Main Street. I went there for lunch the other day. Its very romantic and the steak and garlic mashed potatoes are out of this world!"

The husband shook his head.

"Steak gives me heartburn...and garlic doesn't agree with me, either."

"What's with you and the garlic? Its not like you can possibly smell any worse..." said his wife.

"Myra..." cautioned the doctor.

"Sorry Doctor. This is just so upsetting."

"I know, and that's why you two are here - so that you can learn how to work through your issues. marriage."

The doctor consulted his notes.

"Myra, I want to go back to something you said before about your husband being away from home a lot. It sounds like you're pretty lonely. Have you considered getting a pet of some sort?"

"I'd love to have a dog, but every time we get one, it runs away." answered Myra.

"Maybe it figures that one bitch in the house is enough..." snapped her husband.

The doctor took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes wearily.

"Look, our time is about up. Before you go, let's try something new. Myra, is there anything - no matter how small or trivial it may seem - that your husband can do between now and our next visit to show that you that he cares?"

"Well, I suppose he could clean up after himself a little..." she began, before glancing over at her husband. "What are you rolling your eyes for?!? Its your mess, you know. Do you have any idea difficult it is to get guano out of the carpet?"

The doctor stood up, signaling an end to the session.

"Okay, Mr. and Mrs. Dracula, we're going to need to stop here and pick this up next week. In the meantime, I want you two to practice being a little nicer to each other." he said as he walked them into the waiting room.

"Do you think there's any hope for us, Doctor?" asked the Count.

"Well, Vlad, we have a lot of work ahead of us before we know for sure. Why don't we just keep working through your issues and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

Vlad blanched.

"Erm...would you mind not using the word 'cross', Doctor?"

"Sorry" replied the doctor.

The Count and his wife stepped aside to allow the next couple to enter the doctor's office. They were a strange pair. The woman looked ordinary in every way, but her husband was a giant lobster. As he helped his wife put on her jacket, he amused himself by using his excellent hearing to eavesdrop on their session.

"I just can't believe how self-centered he is" said the woman.

"That's not fair" said the lobster "You knew I was shellfish before we got married."
3 This Halloween story is dedicted to 'L' on her favorite holiday. You may never see this, but thank you for reminding me about of the joys of childhood, for never letting me lose that sense of wonder, and - for an all to brief period -making me happier than I ever thought possible.