Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Zooropa

I thought I'd take advantage of the non-stop rain to take Crowded House up on their suggestion that I try to catch the deluge in a paper cup. Sadly, I just wound up getting soaked and looking like an idiot.

Stupid Crowded House. That's the absolute last time I take advice from them.

Work has been really hectic lately. It makes me miss the days when I could leave the office at here at night and spend time with someone doing things like holding hands and stopping in stores as we slowly made our way down the street, and then getting home and sitting in the candlelight, listening to her talk as I held her. It always made the stress of the work day disappear immediately - and it reminded me of what truly mattered in life.

We interrupt this post for a breaking news story. According to unconfirmed reports MJ has been sighted in Manhattan. We'll have more on this story as it develops.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already in progress...

"...It's just like the time the judge refused to give me bail because he thought I was a flight risk. Can you believe it? I'm a PENGUIN for crying out loud! I can't fly! I mean, I showed up to court in a tux and everything trying to make a good impression and what did it get me? Nuthin'. If you ask me, the judge deserved to get whacked."

He lit a cigarette and sucked in a lungful, allowing the nicotine to soothe his frayed nerves.

"Don't let them get to you, bird. I've been in for eight years and I know its not worth it." said the panda. "You fight them and they just make it harder for you to do your time. They'll do whatever they can to degrade you. I even caught those sick bastards watching me when I was having sex with call-panda I had brought over from China for a conjugal visit. I never let them see me sweat, though. I never let them rob me of my dignity. "

A monkey who'd been eavesdropping on the conversation weighed in with a derisive snort. "Don't listen to him, penguin. You want to survive in here, you have to do like me. I don't care who you are, you mess with me, I'm gonna make you regret it."

"Take what happened last week." he continued, "I'm minding my business, just laying on a tree limb and thinking about that sexy ass Zira from Planet of the Apes when I look up and see these people watching me. They're pointing and laughing like they've never seen a hard-on before. Now the panda would have just let them laugh, but you know what I did? I climbed down, took a dump and threw it at them!"

He broke into a fit of maniacal laughter.

The panda shook his head.

"That's one crazy simian."

Footsteps echoed through the zoo, signaling the approach of the zookepper. He stopped at the lion's cage and held up pail of water.

"This here's our newest inmate." he said. He tilted the pail to show the lion the barnacle huddling in fear on the bottom. "He's the sex offender I told you about. I been tellin' him how you boys like to give his type a real special welcome."

The zookeeper sneered at the barnacle. "The lion, here is kinda like the leader of the inmates here. He's gonna make sure you get 'taken care of', if you know what I mean."

His sadistic joy in terrorizing the barnacle was interrupted by thrashing sounds coming from the Aquatheater.1 The zookeeper dropped the bucket and ran towards the sound.

The barnacle floated up to the surface and clung to the lip of the bucket.

"You gotta believe me, I'm innocent."

"Sure kid. I'm innocent, too. In fact, we're all innocent. A'int that right boys?"

Laughter rang out from the cages.

"I'm telling the truth!" protested the barnacle. "For crying out loud, I have a long tubular penis that's ten times the size of my body! Do you really think I have any problem getting dates?"

"If that's the truth, why didn't surrender peacefully? I heard that when they came to arrest you, they found that you'd exuded barnacle cement - a protein polymer which, as we all know, is twice as strong as the epoxy glue used on space craft and very stable even at temperature extremes - to fasten yourself to the hull of a ship."

The barnacle's resolve melted like an ice cube in the desert before the twin weights of the lion's intimidating stare and impressive grasp of marine biology. He broke down and confessed each of his crimes in detail and when he was finished, the only sound was of him trying in vain to choke back his sobs.

The lion paced back and forth in his cage as he tried to decide an appropriate punishment.

As fate would have it, a green ribbon worm (a barnacle predator also known as Emplectonema) chose that very moment to spring from it's hiding place beneath a large rock and swiftly consume the anthropod.2

"That there is what they call poetic justice, penguin." said the panda who'd witnessed the entire exchange.

"Couldn't agree more" said the penguin as he flippered off his bedside lamp and lay down to sleep.

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1 When the zookepper arrived at the Aquatheater, he found a seal carcass floating in the water with a shank stuck deep into it's midsection. It was rumored that in return for extra fish at mealtime, the seal had been barking to the trainers about a protection racket the sharks were running in the underwater viewing tanks.

2 For days afterwards, the lion kept a wary eye on the rock, for he knew that it wasn't unusual to find Emplectonema in knotted masses or twisted together. By doing so, he revealed to everyone his one weakness - he was terrified of worms.