Wednesday, November 30, 2005

For Dummies

What a week it's been already. I've been trying to work (okay, blog) while fighting flu like symptoms. This morning, my internal organs and few remaining brain cells seem to have banded together to form a daring "Prison Break-esque" attempt to liquefy and escape my dying body via my sinus cavities.

All in all, Im not a pretty sight (a fact that's true of most days). Still, I won't let this illness prevent me from boring the hell out of you with my ramblings.

Like this one for example:

I've noticed that an increasing number of bloggers have turned to word verification as a way of combating spammers. While I'm a horrible typist, I have to admit that I kind of like the game show aspect of entering my comments and then trying to advance to the bonus round by correctly typing in the random sequence of letters.

Blogger: Okay Joe, for a million dollars and a trip to Hawaii, please type the letters you see in this box.

Joe: doyslce

Blogger: Oh, I'm sorry. We were looking for doyslve....slve...but thanks for playing our game, and please try again tomorrow.

At the same time, I've noticed that the word verifications are getting longer and more difficult to type. It's only a matter of time before they'll make me enter the complete "War and Peace" (sans typos) before my comment can be posted.

Hmmm....Then again perhaps it's just a clever way for people to avoid having to read my childish musings.

Anyway, speaking of books, (notice the cool segue...) I was in Barnes and Noble the other day when I came across a book called "Prostate Cancer for Dummies." Obviously, I was taken aback. I mean who in their right mind would want to learn how to get prostate cancer?

Even more disturbing was the fact that book was out in plain sight and easily reachable by small children. Being the concerned citizen that I am, I went over to management to complain.

The manager, a nice woman in her mid forties with flowing auburn hair, lovely blue/green eyes, full pouty lips, and a figure that screamed "throw me up on this counter and take me right here and now you heaving pile of man meat..." Erm...perhaps you had to be there. Believe me, it sounded much better when it was coming from her figure than it does here in written form.

Anyway, let's get back to the point.

Once I'd told her my story, she patiently explained that she wasn't in the least bit interested in having my children. With that out of the way, I asked about the book and she quickly - and somewhat condescendingly I might add - explained that the book was about the prevention and treatment of prostate cancer. As you can imagine, I felt quite the fool so I shuffled away with my head bowed - but not before politely inquiring if she'd reconsider her position regarding intercourse with me, and hearing her somewhat less polite reiteration of her position (or lack thereof) on the subject.

On the walk home, another thought struck.

Imagine you're a guy and you're at your doctor's office. He's just told you that you have prostate cancer. You're clearly shaken, but you think to yourself "at least it can't get worse"

And you'd be wrong.

As you stare off in disbelief, your doctor puts his hands together, looks you in the eye, and says "There are a plethora of books out there on the topic but, frankly, most of them would probably go right over your head. We need to face facts here. You're not the sharpest tool in the shed. That's why I'd recommend that you go out and buy "Prostate Cancer for Dummies."

Now there's something wrong with writing a book designed to make cancer patients feel worse. I mean, what kind of a sick mind would even think of doing something like that? In order to find the answer, I called Wiley Publishing, Inc.,the publisher of the "For Dummies" books, and spoke with the Chief Marketing Officer, Mike Simpson.

The started off on a civil note, but quickly devolved after he learned that I was the same man who had propositioned his wife in the bookstore earlier that day. I mean, what are the odds? Anyway, after he threatened to kill me if I ever spoke to him or his wife again, he called me an idiot and hung up. It was then that I had my epiphany.

After just a few moments of conversation, this marketing professional had sized me up and realized that I could never even hope aspire to the intellectual plateau of "Dummies" readers. Clearly, should the time ever come in which I find myself sitting across from my doctor and hearing that biopsy turned up positive, I'm going to be advised to buy "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Prostate Cancer"