Saturday, November 05, 2005

The Week in Pictures XXII

The memorial service for Rosa Parks was interrupted when mourners overloaded pews on the left side of the church - causing the structure to list dangerously for a few terrifying moments and sending the casket careening across the floor.

The proceedings took an even stranger turn when former President Bill Clinton took a moment during his eulogy to digress into a story about the size of the cigar he used on Monica Lewinsky.

"Hello? Hey. Wassup? Oh, nothing special. I'm just at a memorial service for Rosa Parks. We're observing a moment of silence - but it's okay, I can talk. Can you hold on for a second? Thanks. WOULD YOU PEOPLE PLEASE STOP SHUSHING ME? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M TRYING TO TALK ON THE DAMN PHONE, YOU INCONSIDERATE F*CKS!....Sorry, what were you saying?"

Overshadowed by Parks' death was the tragic parasailing accident that claimed the life of Humpty Dumpty.

In other news, Prince Charles used his recent visit to the White House to determine for himself if the stories that Saudi Arabia's Crown Prince Abdullah and Russian President Vladimir Putin told him about the size of the President's manhood were true.

Meanwhile, the Prince's wife Camilla plans to make the most of her trip across the pond by auditioning for lead in the upcoming big screen edition of "Mr. Ed"

In world news, workers in Thailand have begun construction on a new sun - a move they hope designed to fight rising energy costs by keeping the country in constant daylight.

New Orleans is hoping to lure tourists back by turning the Superdome roof into the world's first combination ski slope and bungee jumping center.

Citizens of the lost world of Atlantis didn't let the fact that they've been submerged for over 11,000 years prevent them from holding their annual Halloween pumpkin carving contest.

Our song of the week is "Warning Sign" by Coldplay

Police in San Diego arrested a panda for public nudity after the bear like mammal was caught strolling around the zoo grounds and flashing passersby.

The ensuing investigation also led to the arrest of several zoo officials who were accused of swindling zoo visitors by putting dogs in disguise and passing them off as lions.

Scientists have determined that female lizards seeking mates will almost always select the monitor lizard when faced with a choice. They are, however, uncertain of .

"We keep searching for the cause of the the reason behind the preference but we can't figure it out." said one researcher. "I hate to admit it, but I think this problem has us licked."

Gratuitous picture of Jaime Pressly*

*Dedicated to Heather

Outstanding detective work by The Boondocks creator Aaron McGruder's revealed that real reason that Supreme Court Justice nominee Harriet Myers withdrew her name from consideration...

...was to concentrate her efforts on being the Dark Lord of the Sith.

Can someone please explain to me why we didn't have uniforms like this when I was in high school?1

1 Uh...I don't mean that they should have made everyone wear this - just the girls.2

2 Actually, now that I think about it, I would have liked something like this for those times when I wanted to feel a little sexy on the weekends.

A gang war has broken out between East Coast and West Coast fashion models.

The feud even resulted in East Coast model Heidi Klum challenging West Coast model Tyra Banks to a duel on the latter's talk show.

Oddly, rather than shooting at Klum, Banks stuck her head between the cushions of the couch on the set in an apparent attempt to hide. Later, Banks held a tearful press conference during which she admitted that she has been secretly in disguise for many years...

...and that she is not, in fact even human.

In sports, the Chinese synchronized diving team was disqualified from a recent competition for using conjoined twins.

And finally, Kate Moss has launched her comeback with a special "Collectors Edition" cover story in Vanity Fair magazine featuring her name spelled out entirely with cocaine.

Don't bother checking yout local newsstand, though. Rumor has it that Moss has already purchased every available copy.