Wednesday, November 23, 2005

The Week in Pictures XXV

You may have noticed that the Week in Pictures is a little early this week. Don't worry, that's not due to any burst of efficiency on my part (there's never a danger of that), it's just that I'm planning to get away from everyone and everything for a few days during this long holiday weekend so that I can spend a little time alone sorting some things out for myself and I'd hate to disappoint all four of my regular readers1 by not posting these before I leave.

Before we get to the pictures, in the spirit of the upcoming holiday, I thought I'd share with you several of my favorite Thanksgiving euphemisms:

Stuffing the turkey
Nibbling the corn on the cob
Pouring some gravy to moisten the meat
Spanking the monkey2
Mashing potatoes
Baking some yams
Swallowing pearl onions
Steaming cauliflower
Grabbing some broccoli head

Roasting the chestnuts 3

1 You have no idea how time consuming it is to make up all of those comments every week.

2 This only has meaning in the small town of Danville, Kentucky where concern over avian flu (and a fondness for "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom") has lead residents to forgo turkeys this year in favor of monkey brains.

2 Trust me, you don't want to try this one.

And with all of that said, let's move on to The Week in Pictures:

During a tearful press conference, President Bush finally admitted what many have suspected - that he's never learned how to open doors.

As part of his massive modernization project, Santa Claus unveiled the new rocket propelled snow mobile that he'll begin using this Christmas.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Claus purchased a sweet ride of her own. "It's been a long time since I felt something so powerful between my legs" she said in an obvious dig at her husband.

In a related story, reindeer unemployment levels are at an all time high.

Our song of the week is "Delicate" by Damien Rice (see sidebar) and is dedicated to Mel.

Gratuitous picture of me in the morning.

Maytag unveiled their new "animal dryer", which allows pet owners to quickly dry and fluff their furry companions.

As is my usual morning custom, I went to the park the other day to watch women breast feed. All of a sudden some woman starts yelling at me to put the camera away. I mean, she acts like only some kind of pervert would get aroused by stuff like that...

After his successful Victoria's Secret performance, Ricky Martin announced that he's taking some time off to go to India to practice his technique.

Sure, like I'm the only one who sees some erotic symbolism in this picture.

Erm...I'm not the only one, right?

Historians now say that Ghengis Khan's Mongolian hordes were more advanced than previously thought, and that they even brought port-a-potties along during their campaigns.

Let's move on to our video of the week:

Our crack investigative journalist Alice was able to bring back this candid picture proving that the doggie brothel we exposed weeks ago is alive and well and doing a brisk business in Paris.

Officials at the Smithsonian National Zoo are concerned about the all-night poker games that have been going on in the panda enclosure.

Gratuitous picture of Nadine Velazquez

The faithful have begun making pilgrimages to the Marquee club in London, where the spirit of Jimi Hendrix appears nightly for shows at 8, 10, and 1.

Actress/singer Hilary Duff who has lost so much weight that her legs can no longer support her, is now forced to travel around in a floating plastic bubble.

Mariah Carey's recent weight gain resulted in an embarrassing moment when her slinky black dress ripped open as she waved to the crowd at the American Music Awards.

Korean gymnast Kim Hyo-Bin is out of action indefinitely after impaling herself on her spotter's arm after missing the bar during a recent competition.

The new "G Force Ice Skating" event has been eliminated after several skaters suffered multiple joint dislocations while practicing for the Winter X Games.

And finally, the city of Miami, Florida has commissioned a sculpture honoring that memorable day in 1968 when hometown hero Vanilla Ice was born.