Tuesday, January 17, 2006

A Monumental Idea

Apparently, the illness that I've been fighting off somehow snuck up on me while I was otherwise occupied this weekend. Not that I'm complaining - especially in light of the fact that it already appears that this year will be roughly a million times better (I've yet to do the math) than last. We've had beautiful weather over the last few weeks which allowed me to get in a few late season hikes and even catch back up with some old friends and...um other stuff. (Notice how cleverly I imply that my life is much more exciting that it actually is)

Anyway, as I was saying. I didn't realize until I got down to DC this morning that I'm tired, feverish, achy, and on the verge of laryngitis (much to the relief of my DC office brethren). On the Metro ride over from the airport, I decided to take my mind off of the symptoms by thinking of ways the government can add revenue streams with an eye towards reducing the growing deficit.

As the train emerged from underground and rolled over the Potomac River, I caught sight of a few of our national monuments and inspiration struck. The solution to all of our financial woes rests in two simple words. Naming rights.

It's so obvious! For example, the White Castle House, Liberty Taco Bell, Washington Mutual Monument, Ford/Lincoln/Mercury Memorial, and Capital One Building leap to mind. On the television front we could also have the Nick at Night "Weezy" Jefferson Memorial or the Cartoon Network Yosemite Sam National Park.

Anyway, I'd write more but I'm off to pitch this idea before anyone steals it. Meanwhile, feel free to read the hastily thrown together story that I wrote on the flight down this morning.
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Living by the Book

What would Jesus do?

It was a question Rob asked himself at least fifty times a day.

When Bill's wife, a woman who every man on the block fantasized about - and who many women hated as a result of hearing their husband's scream out her name in the throes of orgasm - showed up at his door one evening wearing nothing but a trench coat and a smile, he asked himself "What Would Jesus Do?" and he closed the door (with her still on the other side).

Later that night when Bill came over in a jealous rage and punched him in the mouth because didn't believe Rob's impassioned denial of having slept with his wife, Rob asked himself "What would Jesus do?" And he turned the other cheek - allowing Bill a free shot and resulting in a broken jaw. Rob even found reason to be thankful for this since by the time the wire holding his jaw closed was removed, he'd lost 15 pounds.

The next morning when Bill showed up to apologize after learning the truth from his wife, Rob forgave him because that's what Jesus would have done.

So when the squirrel ran in front of his car, it took only a nanosecond for him to ask and answer the question. Conveniently ignoring the facts that Jesus didn't drive a car and that there was nothing in the Bible about saving squirrels, he swerved to avoid running over the creature, losing control of his car in the process. The vehicle skidded off the road and tumbled down a steep ravine. By the third flip, he was unconscious and he felt no pain a few moments later when the driver's side door slammed against a tree, killing him instantly.

When he opened his eyes, he found himself in heaven with Jesus standing before him. He was overcome with a feeling of peace and love. He turned his face upward in rapture as Jesus opened his mouth to speak.

"I gotta tell you, I would never have killed myself over a squirrel." Jesus said.