Tuesday, January 03, 2006

A Proposal on Awry

As those of you who watched the MTV New Year's Eve party (or the constantly repeated clips on seemingly every news report since) my New Year's Eve proposal to Shakira didn't go quite as planned. However, I've noticed a distinct slant to the coverage thus far and I want you, my faithful reader(s) to know my side of the story.

To begin with, we all know that every woman wants their proposal to be a special moment that they can tell their grandchildren about. With that in mind, I set out to surprise her.

I began by posting a comment on her fan site message board. In it, I told her that something had come up and that I would be unable to make it to the MTV studio to watch her perform. I apologized and told her that we'd catch up later that evening. (Ironically, this post is being used as "evidence" against me. Just goes to show how far her handlers are willing to go to keep our relationship a secret).

Anyway, I picked up a bottle of champagne (okay, sparkling wine) and two dozen roses and with the ring safely tucked away in my jacket pocket, I snuck into the studio. I carefully worked my way past the security guards and, when the moment was right, I leapt up onto the stage.

Now as you're probably aware, English isn't Shakira's primary language. so she accidentally shouted "¡Ayuda! ¡Pervertido!" when she saw me instead of "Oh my,God! You made it! I'm so happy!" which is what I'm sure she meant to say. I dropped down to my knee (in what those stupid television reporters are calling my "shooter's crouch") and reached for the ring. The next thing I knew, someone shouted "GUN!" and I was smothered by a phalanx of security guards. They quickly dragged me off-stage, breaking the bottle of champagne and crushing the roses I'd brought in the process. And you can bet your last dollar that MTV is going to be getting a bill from me. I mean, that was 25 bucks wasted!

The show must go on, as the folks in 'the business' say, so poor Shakira couldn't intervene on my behalf - despite the fact that I knew it had to be killing her to watch this unfold.Anyway, her manager (who I suspect has designs on her and is trying to keep us apart) has asked the authorities to prosecute me to the "fullest extent of the law." I guess I'll find out what that means when my hearing comes up next month. Fortunately, I'm out on bail until then.

On a side note, I wonder if I can ask the judge to do something about Jessica Simpson while I'm there. After all, she's the one that drove the wedge between Shakira and me with those secret messages of love and lust she directed my way in her "These Boots Are Made for Walkin" video.

New Year's Eve in the Time Household

Father Time was proud of many things, but among the top five was the way he handled that tricky business of counting backwards so that the year 1 B.C. occurred the year before that young man (he couldn't be bothered to remember names) was born in Bethlehem. Truth be told, he was off by somewhere between 3 and 5 years - which caused quite an uproar at the time - but as a student of human nature he knew that people would forget about that eventually - and sure enough they did.

He also took justifiable pride in his ability to impregnate his wife at just the right moment to have her give birth at exactly midnight on January 1 each year.

He'd have been proud of the way he planned it so that his sons died at midnight on December 31, too, but it was never pleasant to lose a child.

As the clock ticked towards midnight, he sat at a table playing cards with with his son and reminisced. In some ways, this child had been more wild than most - wreaking havoc, for example, with tsunamis and hurricanes. At the same time he had a way of bringing out the good in people - as evidenced the response to those natural disasters.

That's not to say that there weren't a few occasions when Father Time nearly cut the year short. In the entertainment world alone there was the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes union, the entire Aniston/Pitt/Joliet thing, and the forthcoming Kevin Federalize album, but the boy always balanced things out in a nick of time by putting Jessica Simpson back on the market and releasing Shakira's "La Tortura" video.

At two minutes to midnight, he felt a familiar mingling of joy and sadness. He glanced over at Mother Nature who was in the last throes of labor, then turned his attention back to his son, who seemed to have aged a decade in that brief instant.

As the clock struck midnight, 2005 him expelled his last breath, which was immediately followed by the piercing cry 2006 emitted upon entering the world. Father Time whispered goodbye and kissed him gently on the forehead before stepping across the room to say hello to his new child.