Friday, January 27, 2006

The Week in Pictures XXXII

A while back I met a woman named Kate. I never imagined that my experimental pick-up line ("If my nose were full of hundreds, I'd blow it all on you") would work on a woman like her, but for some reason it had and we began seeing each other.

Kate had a number of wonderful qualities. She was funny, attractive, fact, the only thing that wasn't nearly perfect about her was her questionable taste in men.

Now prior to meeting Kate, I had gone out a few times with a woman named Edith. Edith shared many of Kate's wonderful qualities and the same distressing drawback when it came to men. Edith and I still dated on occasion, but our conflicting schedules meant that we only saw each other once every few weeks.

Needless to say, it was difficult to decide which woman I preferred.

Anyway, on this particular night Kate and I were out at dinner at a midtown restaurant named Tao. She was busy looking beautiful and taking my breath away with alarming regularity, and I was wondering what the hell she was doing with a guy like me.

Just after we ordered our food, her phone rang. She asked if I minded if she took the call and being the polite guy that I am, I didn't object. She spoke for a few minutes and then hung up.

"Would you mind if we met a few friends of mine for drinks after dinner? I've mentioned you to a few of them and they'd like to meet you."

It sounded like fun, and it meant that I'd get to spend more time with her, so I agreed. As we finished dinner and prepared to leave, I even found myself a little nervous and hopeful that I'd pass the "friends" test.

We walked from Tao over to Sutton Place- a crowded bar on Second Avenue. When we entered, I went straight to the bar to get our drinks (a dirty martini for me and a cosmopolitan for her) while she went off in search of her friend. Thirty minutes and twenty dollars later I had acquired the drinks and was carefully navigating my way across the crowded room as I simultaneously searched for my missing date and tried not to spill more than half of the drinks on my suit. I was about to give up hope and settle down to drink both concoctions when I saw her waving frantically from across the room.

I made my way over and handed her the drink, then smiled amiably as she introduced me to her friends, one of whom turned out to be the aforementioned Edith. Our eyes locked for a moment, and I knew I was screwed.

I downed my drink in one gulp and headed back to the bar knowing that there was no way that I'd be able to have my Kate and Edith, too.

Now on to the Week in Pictures:

As part of his punishment for his role in causing the downfall of Enron, disgraced former CEO Jeffrey Skilling is being forced to stand on a Houston street corner wearing bottomless trousers.

An army of snowmen stormed Moscow this afternoon, advancing as far as Red Square before being driven out by soldiers wielding portable heaters.

In Montreal, a PETA demonstration came to a sudden end when the woman in the background disrobed in solidarity.

Meanwhile, in Barcelona, crowds quickly gathered at the site of another protest offering one coat for every seven PETA members they were allowed to kill.

Pharmaceutical giant Sanofi Aventis was forced to recall the popular fertility drug Clomind after it caused overstimulation of the ovaries in some women.

The International Hot Air Balloon week Balloon Festival in Chateau d'Oex in the Swiss Alps was postponed when several of the balloons suffered from performance anxiety and were unable to inflate.

And here's a life size replica of my penis. Uh, sorry. You really didn't need to know that.'s our video of the week. It's a bit old, but it's one of my favorite songs (and one of the ones that I once wrote about playing every night.)

Family members going through the personal effects of the recently deceased Jolly Green Giant were shocked to discover that he lead a surprisingly active sex life.

Dogs in China are flocking to the recently opened "Hump a Leg" sex club in Beijing.

The E! network (future home of The Idle Receptionist) announced that Gumby's son and daughter will appear as participants in the upcoming second season of Filthy Rich Cattle Drive.

And finally, friends of the Nicole Richie staged an intervention this week after becoming concerned that her weight loss regimen had spiraled out of control.