Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark

The post-Super Bowl depression has lifted and I'm finally able to face the world again.

Stupid officiating crew...

Anyway, after the game, my inbox was flooded with e-mails from people expressing condolences over the Seahawks loss and inquiring as to whether or not I'd committed post-game suicide. Eventually, I came to realize that the suicide questions were asked less out of concern than hope.
Anyway, after the drama generated by what I thought was a pretty tame post last Wednesday, I'm going to do my best to make this one as innocuous as possible.

The hell of having to terminate the employment (that's HR-speak for "fire") four people yesterday was more than made up for by a wonderful evening spent enjoying the company of A and M of Importing Guiness fame. It only took a second for them to feel like old friends, and within a few minutes I was able to but my bad mood behind me. It's hard to imagine two more wonderful people - or a better matched couple.

I wonder if I can convince them to hang out wihth me every night...

At this time next week I'll be busy preparing for a business trip to one of my favorite cities in the world - San Francisco. I've had some really great trips there over the past few years. For During my first trip out there I had just begun dating a woman on whom I'd had a huge crush. While I was there, I spent every possible moment on the phone with her. Every time I saw something new, I'd call her and tell her how much I wished she were there with me. When I got back to my hotel, we'd then spend the entire night talking on the phone. Remembering that makes me smile. Then there was my birthday weekend a few years back, which was split between swimming in the pool at the top of the Palace Hotel and seeing every sight possible over the course of a long weekend. Of course, there were some horrible times there as well, but I'm trying to stay focused on the positive these days.

I've also managed to schedule a few job interviews while I'm out that way. After all, there's nothing like using your current employer to finance your job search. After the business portion of the trip, I'm going on vacation for a week during which I plan to squeeze in a few interviews in Seattle and Denver. Obviously, I'm casting a wide net in the hopes of finding an employer who won't notice my complete lack of intelligence and extremely limited skill set. I'll keep you posted and let you know how everything turns out.

As long as I'm (relatively) on the subject of my career, I thought I'd share with you the story of how I wound up in Human Resources. I didn't plan to end up here, you know. In fact, after graduating college, I thought I'd try to build a career in the music industry. It was a tough go at first, but eventually one thing lead to another and I wound up managing a jazz quintet.

One time, we were playing a huge fundraiser for a local charity. As the band neared the end of their set, the chairperson of the foundation introduced me to an older, bespectacled woman that she identified as their largest benefactor. The Chairperson spoke with us briefly, then left us to chat amongst ourselves as she drifted off to rub elbows with the other guests.

"I'm a big fan of your band's work." she said.

"Thank you." I replied

"And if you don't mind me saying so, your penis is quite lovely."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to be forward, but it's true. Your penis is beautiful."

"Erm....thank you? May I ask where you've seen...."

"Oh, on the internet of course. There must be hundreds of pictures."

"There are? I'll have to check that out."

"Are you not aware of them?"

"To tell the truth, not really"

"I suppose you wouldn't be. After all, that's what publicists are for, isn't it?"

"That's not what I would expect, no..."

"I realize this is forward of me, but do you think I could trouble you for an introduction?"

"An introduction?"


"To my penis?"

"Yes, if it's not too much trouble"

Needless to say, this was a bit awkward. On the one hand, I had no desire to accommodate her request. On the other, she had donated quite a bit of money to the charity and I didn't want to say "no" and offend her - and by extension the chairperson - at the risk of future paydays.

I looked her over - taking in her wrinkled face, her turkey neck, her skeletal frame...and I decided to see if I could stall her.

"Erm...when and where would you like this...um...introduction to take place?"

"Why here and now, of course. I'm only in town for the night and I'm flying out first thing in the morning."


"Right here? In front of all these people?"

"Yes. Is there a problem?"

"Well, I was thinking that perhaps someplace a little more private might be more practical. Perhaps a very, very quick introduction in your hotel suite?"

"Well, it would hardly be proper for us to be seen going into my suite. I am, after all, a married woman

"Erm...okay. Can we at least do this into the corner over there? Perhaps by those large potted plants?"


I escorted her over to the relatively private area, unzipped my pants and pulled it out.

"What the hell are you doing?!?" ehe exclaimed.

"You said you want to meet it."

"I said I wanted to meet your PIANIST!" she roared, pointing to the stage.

Needless to say the very next day I began looking for a new job. I eventually wound up in Human Resources and the rest, as they say, is history.