Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want

A few of the comments from Monday's post dealt with my lack of self-confidence, so I thought an explanation might be in order before I get to the other things I'd planned to post today.

The truth is that I'm not quite as self-deprecating in real life as I am in this blog - though it is pretty close. A lifetime full of relationships with people who take niceness for weakness, and who consequently took advantage of me as a result is bound to leave a person questioning himself at times. To quote The Smiths, "Haven't had a dream in a long time. See the life I've had would make a good man turn bad."

The painful end of a relationship that meant everything to me left me further drained. As a result, I've become very private of late. In fact, I doubt I'll ever truly open up to anyone again given people's propensity to use my vulnerabilities to inflict maximum damage when they grew angry. While I'll never understand how anyone can abuse a person who does nothing but love them, I know enough now to protect myself from that. I'm also well aware of the choices I've made to see only the things I wanted to see in people, regardless of how massive the evidence to the contrary might have been.

Of course, that's not to say that I'm a great person to be in a relationship with, nor does it mean I'm an innocent victim of events. In every relationship I've been in, I can point to hundreds of things that I did wrong and that given the chance to do so, I would change.

I think what happened in my last relationship was that for the first time I loved someone with complete abandon without regard for the consequences of not protecting myself. I learned what it was like to worry about another person's happiness more than my own. I tried to fill her life with laughter and romance, and to give her my undying love and support. In the end, it still wasn't good enough. It was hard to come to grips with that - and to lose my best friend and soulmate in the process, but it taught me to be more careful in the future.

Only recently have I begun to feel like myself again. I'm back on my feet and optimistic about what the future holds - including moving out of New York at some point in the near future. Yes, I'm still pretty shy. Yes, I'm painfully aware of many of my shortcomings. Yes, I still hurt from many of the events of the recent past.

Yet at the same time, I know that being aware of those things is the first step to learning how to overcome them. I used to tell "L" that I tried hard to be the best person I could so that she'd be as proud to be with me as I was with her. Now I realize that I need to be a good person for myself and see what happens from there.

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Selected Scenes from Brokeback Mountain - Starring Clark Gable & Humphrey Bogart

The touching reunion...

RHETT: I tried everything. If you'd only met me halfway, even when I came back from London...

RICK: I remember every detail. The Germans wore gray. You wore blue.

The climatic ending...

RHETT: Don't flatter yourself, I'm not a marrying man.

RICK: Inside of us we both know you belong with Victor. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

RHETT: Open your eyes and look at me. No, I don't think I will kiss you. Although you need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how.

RICK: And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to know that the lives of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that.

RHETT: Please don't go on with this. Leave us some dignity to remember out of our marriage. Spare us this last.

RICK: You are too much for me Rhett, you sonofawhoreson bitch! I wish I knew how to quit you.
RHETT: Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

RICK: Here's looking at you, kid.

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The Week in Pictures Preview
I've been thinking a lot about how funny I find the alternate captions that people write in the comments section of the "The Week in Pictures" posts, so I thought it'd be fun to put up a few of the ones that I'd planned to use this week and see what captions people would write for them.

If you're interested, put your suggested captions in the comments section. You don't have to come up with captions for all of them (or any of them for that matter), just the ones you choose. I'll include some of them in Friday's post.

Picture One:


Picture Two:


Picture Three:


Picture Four:


Oh, and for those of that think I'm doing this because I've run out of ideas, a quick read of the blog will confirm that that isn't true. Clearly, I ran out of ideas a long, long time ago.