Thursday, March 30, 2006

The Week in Pictures XXXIX

Random Friday Thoughts:

It's been almost a week, and SHAW TV has yet to make a noticeable difference in my life. I can't tell you how disappointed I am.

Round three of the interview process takes place during lunch this coming Wednesday. I can't go into too much detail, but I will say that it's an HR director spot at a not-for-profit. Basically, I would be responsible to the department that provides centralized HR services for two affiliates and three incubated entries in addition to the other centralized service departments. The idea is that we would allow them to focus the bulk of their time, funding, and effort on activities related to their mission and....uh...this sounds boring even to me so I'll shut up now. The point is that I'm pretty interested in working in the nonprofit field these days, so it'll be fun to see if this all works out.

I'm going camping this weekend. I'm not much of an outdoorsman, but this is partial repayment to my friend S for helping me through some dark days. Apparently, the other part of the repayment is allowing S to make use of various personal trainer techniques to torture me under the guise of whipping me into some semblance of shape.

Some general advice for men. When having sex, don't ever use the line "Who's your daddy?" if there's even the slightest chance that she'll answer with her father's name. It could lead to months of impotence and leave you with a head full troubling questions.

My favorite blog conversation of the week comes from Alice, who recounted a discussion between her and her boyfriend Matt as they relaxed in Matt's jacuzzi.

Alice: it's like in the movies! like you know in pretty woman, when they take that bath?
Matt: yeah... so do you feel like the pretty woman now?
Alice: yup, totally.
Matt: the only difference is that you kiss on the lips.
Me: also, i'm not a hooker.

And finally, yesterday was Okami's birthday. She's an amazing person, and there's no possible way to ever come up with a celebration worthy of her. Because of that, I'll simply send her birthday wishes in 161 different languages - and to that I'll add that my hopes that the coming year is the best of her life, and that the same is true of every year that follows.


In the most overdone story of the week, sculptor Daniel Edwards has created a life-sized sculpture of singer Britney Spears called "Monument to Pregnant Sex: Britney and K-Fed's Favorite Position."

The National Cattlemen's Beef Association announced that they will begin producing PETA meat, which you can expect to see in supermarkets within a month at a price of around $1.40 a pound.

An attempt to aggressively treat Godzilla's prostate cancer with red hot chili peppers went horribly awry resulting in a fire that consumed most of the hospital.

Palestine's Hamas-led government announced that they will allow Israelites to visit the West Bank as long as they agree to wear specially designed identification during their stay.

Though the daffodil contains both male and female parts, botanists have discovered that the long, white male part becomes much more pronounced when the flower is aroused.

The Lord announced that He will no longer carry people during the most trying periods of their lives. "I'm a few billion years old," He said by way of explanation "and my back isn't as strong as it once was."

The announcement comes just one week after He was caught on tape tossing Tara Reid into the ocean after listening to her whine for nearly a year about her failing acting career.

Given the feedback from Blondie, Leesa, ~deb, Yasmine, MJ, and others gave, we're going to go with this video for one more week:

The Venezuelan government is cracking down on smoking after the citizens of Caracas complained of having to walk down butt filled streets.

*Thanks to 'ka for inspiring a much better caption than the one I used last week.

Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi of Italy announced his resignation after an embarrassing episode during a Wheel of Fortune taping in which he failed to guess the word "Italian"

The U.S. Army is experimenting with new uniforms featuring skirts that double as parachutes.

Batman is threatening to sue New York City after an unrepaired pothole in Brooklyn nearly sent an SUV crashing through the roof of the BatCave.

An aspiring model in California underwent successful surgery to remove a dog head that was growing out of her chest.

The Vatican team is once again the heavy favorite to win this year's Synchronized Cardinal Dancing competition.

The Canadian Eloize Circus took advantage of Canada's largest fleet of giant inflatable water toys by holding a rousing game of puddle soccer at Calgary's Talisman Centre for Sport and Wellness.

Soew Ting Foong of Malaysia's Rhythmic Gymnastics medal hopes in the clubs event at the Melbourne Commonwealth Games were dashed when she slipped on a banana peel.

One of the festivities at the official opening of Wembley Park Underground Station in London was abruptly cancelled when parents objected to their children taking penalty kicks towards a net full of Seaman.

And before we close this edition of "The Week In Pictures" I'll leave you with one last thought. How long before you start seeing copies of this sculpture - with "special add-on features" - showing up in Adult Shops ?

Wednesday, March 29, 2006


While riding the subway last night I amused myself by watching a man in his late 50's trying to pick up a 19 or 20 year old woman who was quietly listening to her iPod. He stood in front of her for a while, and when the seat next to her opened up, he pounced.

"I love Latin music. What kind of music are you listening to?" he said. Obviously, she appeared to be a Latina.

"I really don't listen to that." she replied "I like alternative and emo."

"Oh, like U2 and The Green Day?" he said "I like them too."

The Green Day?!?

I was so embarrassed.

For him I mean.

This wasn't a story about me.


I swear.
Anyway, our week long (actually two post long) celebration of Canada continues with these interesting factoids:

Canada is America's largest provider of both oil and cold air masses.

Canada somehow slipped Celene Dion past the border patrols. The United States retaliated by sending acid rain to Canada. The general consensus is that it's a draw.

The odd-looking white building that you sometimes see on the SHAW TV web-cam is the world famous Talisman Centre for Sport and Wellness, whose website invites everyone to "come play on Canada's largest fleet of giant inflatable water toys!" Sounds like super fun for everyone, though I'm not sure if that's what people really mean when they talk about "water sports."

Toronto's reputation as a "clean version of New York" seems imperiled by the smog problem that Okami told us about yesterday. On the other hand, Binsk lives there - which is reason enough to rank it amongst the world's greatest cities.

Vancouver rates among the coolest cities in Canada by virtue of Trevor and Braleigh living in the area.

The Calgary Stampede is Canada's largest annual event.

Caravan Committee Stampede Breakfasts consume more that five tons of pancake batter, two tons of bacon and sausage, 5,000 bottles of pancake syrup and 85,000 containers of juice. In addition, approximately 1,844,286 Mini Donuts are consumed during the Stampede.

Harry the Horse Mascot makes 75 appearances during the 10 days of Stampede and wears size 38.5 shoes.

If I lived in Canada, the whole celsius temperature thing would confuse me to no end. I'd hear that it was 35 degrees out and I'd put on a sweater only to walk out and be ridiculed by the masses. Why bother? I can get that in New York and I don't even need to dress incorrectly.

Saskatchewan contains a city called Regina (pronounced Reg-eye-na). Saying it amuses me to no end. I plan to visit there one day so that I can annoy the locals by making childish jokes like "If I were the Canadian postmaster, I'd insist that all deliveries go through Regina."

And finally, I'll leave you with this story about Canada.

Some time ago, my friend and his girlfriend went on a trip to Alberta. They spent a few days camping in Banff and decided to visit Calgary on the way home. It was raining so they decided to kill some time at the Glenbow Museum, which is conveniently located next door to the Marriott at which they were staying.

A short time later my friend became ill and returned to the hotel while his girlfriend continued to explore the museum. He fell asleep and was awakened by someone pounding on the door. You can imagine his surprise when opened the door and saw two policemen there. Apparently, his girlfriend had been arrested for spraying gold paint on several of the exhibits. Even though he'd done nothing wrong, they arrested him on a charge of Gilt by Association.

Regina. heh, heh, heh....

Monday, March 27, 2006

Oh, Canada

Just came back from round two of my HR Director position interviews and one thing is abundantly clear.

I suck at being interviewed.

Now you'd think that I would be pretty good at it given the number of interviews I conduct, but as it turns out, I'm not very good at interviewing people either. Let's be honest - when I interview someone, I generally decide in the first ten minutes whether or not the person is a good fit. The rest of the time is just filler.

Needless to say, the first ten minutes of this interview didn't start off in stellar fashion, and it went downhill from there. For one thing, the conference room had a large window facing a courtyard through which a parade of stunning women passed. If their sole purpose was to distract me, they did a hell of a job. About a minute into the interview he asked me what I knew about the company, and I completely blanked - so I quickly pulled fragments of factoids from my memory which had very little to do with what they actually do.

Anyway, I'll spare you the gory details but I will say that much like Kathy Lee Gifford on American Idol, it'll be a miracle if I survive until the end.

Meanwhile, I'm just going to spend the day staring at this to see if anyone I know pops up:

Live from Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Click for Calgary, Alberta Forecast

Shaw Web Cam

Our Live Cam feed is from SHAW TV.

Explore how SHAW TV can make a difference in your life, click here

And when I'm done watching, I'm going to explore how SHAW TV can make a difference in my life

I just got a call from the agency that sent me on the interview and it appears that they want me to come back later this week for a third round of interviews. I either did better than I thought or they want another opportunity to laugh at me.

Then again, perhaps they want to find out more about this mysterious Okami that I kept mentioning during the interview.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

The Week in Pictures XXXVIII

Random Friday Notes:

Funny how quickly things change. What looked to be a very quiet weekend has - within the space of an hour - turned into what should be a fun filled extravaganza. On a similar note, last week I was writing morbid stories of love and loss and now I'm happier than I've been at any time in recent memory. What's changed? Everything. Rather than getting into details right now, I'll let them trickle out over time once I see where everything is going.

At some point during the weekend I need to keep a promise that I made to my sister to take my niece Jasmine to get her ears pierced. Apparently, nothing says "Your Uncle loves you more than life itself" like taking her out so that a stranger can drive a needle through her tiny earlobe. I suppose I should offer to pay her therapy bills when the time comes, too.

I was watching the news yesterday morning when a story came on about a woman who stole a truck from a construction site and careened around downtown NYC hitting parked cars and sending pedestrians scrambling. As the reporter wrapped up the story, she tried to add drama by saying "the chase ended when the truck hit this metal pole, which - if you can just pan back a little - is fortunate because right behind the pole is a fire hydrant and if the truck had hit that, it might have knocked it over causing one of those geysers you sometimes see when something like that happens."

WTF? I half expected her to continue along these lines:

"And the geyser could have caused a a short circuit leading to massive blackout which may have resulted in looting, large scale riots, and complete anarchy causing the government to give up on saving anyone. Instead, they'll choose to cut Manhattan off from civilization turn and turn it into an island prison where criminals run free until - grabbing a bargaining chip right out of the air - the convicts bring down the President's plane in bad old Gotham, forcing the government to coerce gruff Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell) a one-eyed warrior new to prison life, into bringing the President, and his cargo, out of this land of undesirables. But all of that was avoided thanks once again to this small metal pole. Now back to you Craig and Tiffany."

Favorite News Story of the Week: Drinking While Intoxicated

Second Favorite News Story of the Week: An Hour of '99 Red Balloons'?

Story For Okami's Eyes Only: How Much for Those Used Jimmy Choos?

Now let's move on to the Week in Pictures....

President Bush was temporarily taken aback when Damien stepped in front of him as he greeted supporters after a recent speech.

"I saw the 666 on his forehead and it was just like looking at a young Dick Cheney" said the shaken President afterwards.

Doctors in Baghdad are reaching out to the international medical community for assistance in finding the cause of an Iranian man's mysterious debilitating headaches.

In response to mounting casualties, the Gnomes have begun adopting guerrilla warfare tactics in their ongoing battle with the Trolls.

As summer approaches, Forest Service officials are reminding people of the dangers of sitting too close to the fire after eating beans.

I never really knew that she could dance like this
She makes a man want to speak Spanish
Como se llama, bonita, mi casa, su casa
Shakira, Shakira

The 10th Annual International Bestiality Conference kicked off this week with the traditional sodomizing of the six legged lamb.

Police are asking for your help in tracking down this suspected arsonist seen fleeing the site of a suspicious fire in Toon Town.

A local woman filed a wrongful termination suit against her former employer saying that it was impossible to succeed at her job as it forced her to wear too many hats.

Picasso's mistress and principal source of inspiration has broken her silence with an upcoming tell-all book entitled "Picasso Was No Genius: He Painted Me Exactly As I Look"

Baila en la calle de noche
Baila en la calle de día

As part of our ninety-three part series on the struggling economy, we'll take a look at desperate people who rent themselves out as sidewalks.

And working cats who bring lunch from home to save money.

Now let's pause for our video of the week which is "Hips Don't Lie" woman that I've never heard of:

Wait a mean to tell me that Shakira is a singer, too?!?

A recent study shows that men have drastically different ideas than women about what constitutes the perfect wedding dress.

A year long study of ice dancing revealed some interesting reasons why straight men take up the sport.

Hundreds of nude volunteers Caracas, Venezuela posed for a photograph by American artist Spencer Tunick, that's tentatively titled "Saturday Night at Ricky Martin's House"

A post Academy Awards poll landed the stars of March of the Penguins atop the red carpet's best dressed list.

During Yahoo's quarterly Influential Speakers Event, Tom Cruise surprised employees by bringing his pregnant wife, Katie Holmes on stage and introducing the audience to the body thetan that's been hanging around the unborn child.

And finally, Shakira, the queen of Latin American pop music, is to be immortalized with a 5-meter (16-foot) iron statue in her home city if Barranquilla, Colombia. The sculpture, which took more than a year to complete, weighs about 5 tons.

It's also believed to be the billionth massive erection inspired by the singer.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Random Thoughts from NYC: Unrated!

Too hot to be shown in theatres, this 6-disk DVD box set is packed with with over twelve hours of extra features including:

  • 20 minutes of never before seen footage
  • Deleted scenes
  • Audition tapes
  • Full-length commentary
  • A blooper reel
    • Did I just say the Weak in Pictures?!? I meant the Week in Pictures....ha, ha, ha.
  • The Making of Catwoman
    • Including a discussion of cats used in the filming
  • Chef Nobu Matsuhisa discussing his role in the blog and sharing his recipes
  • Liza Minnelli interviewing the blog author
  • A"how to" segment on horse grooming
  • A video lap-dance tutorial from dancers at Scores nightclub

Pick up your copy today!

Monday, March 20, 2006

Make It Stop, Please!

Now don't get me wrong, I understand the pull of celebrity gossip. On a rare occasion, I can even get into some of it - especially if it's somehow Shakira related - but this whole Brad Pitt -Angelina Jolie obsession has gotten way out of control. Let's recap some of the hysteria in the same breathless way in which the news was originally presented to us:

Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Aniston with Angelina Jolie!

Brad and Angelina are adopting a child together!

Angelina is pregnant with Pitt's child!

Brad and Angelina are getting married!

The wedding might take place at George Clooney's villa in Italy!

After a week of listening to so much will-they-or-won't-they speculation around the office that my ears began to bleed, I was ready for a some time away from rumor mongering - and the NCAA tourney offered the perfect respite.

However, a weekend of bliss and basketball came crashing down on Sunday when I noticed the name spelled out in score box on the lower right corner of the screen during the otherwise exciting Pittsburgh vs. Bradley game.


Of course, my distaste of celebrity worship won't stop me from purchasing a replica of this for my living room.

Friday, March 17, 2006

The Week in Pictures XXXVII

Happy St. Patrick's Day. Top o' the morn', Erin Go Bragh, and all of that nonsense...

A few random Friday notes:

Yesterday, I read an article in which researchers claim that capsaicin causes prostate cancer cells to kill themselves. Given my family history of cancer, this was of particular interest to me so I ran down to the corner grocery, bought a handful of chili peppers, and shoved them up my ass.

As it turns out, it burns WAY more than you'd ever imagine. I think that just means it's working, though.

After closely tabulating the results of last week's survey - under the watchful eye of auditors from PriceWaterhouseCoopers, it appears that the reader(s) of this blog recommend that I date Lisa Loeb - though I'm doomed if she learns of Trevor's interest in her. I've sent the blog comments to the folks over at #1 Single and if all goes well, you should see me on an upcoming episode. Pay close attention to when the date starts to go downhill because you'll want to gather the entire family for the madcap pepper spray and restraining order finale.

My lesson learned this week is that Canadians never pay up on their bets.

Don't say I never warned you.

And finally, a St. Patrick's Day toast for all of you:
May your home always be too small to hold all your friends, may the best day of your past be the worst day of your future, may you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live and may your troubles be as few and as far apart as my Grandmothers teeth.

Let's move on to the Week in Pictures.

Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was recaptured today briefly escaping custody by shouting "Look! A bird!" and sneaking out of court when everyone turned to look.

The world's oldest man passed away today last night after a "pull my finger" joke went horribly awry.

The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) insists that the water in the Chicago River is safe despite a recent toxic waste spill.

This despite the fact that children who swam in the river since the spill have suddenly sprouted strange antennae.

Weeks after Vice President Cheney accidentally shot Texas attorney Harry Whittington in a hunting accident, there is growing speculation that Whittington's hat may have been a factor in the mishap.

Meanwhile, the Vice President is taking no chances of a repeat of the incident and has begun calling in military air strikes whenever a quail is flushed from the brush.

The Irish Parliament passed a resolution today requiring all leprechauns to paint the words "Irish and Crazy" on their faces so as to distinguish them from small children.

As hundreds of tourists watched with bated breath, the Road Runner made another amazing escape from his arch nemesis Wile E. Coyote.

It's time for our video of the week - and one of my favorite songs:
(please allow a few moments for the video to load)

Now back to the WiP...

The Belorussian reality show "Arranged Marriage" came to a joyful conclusion when the groom chose screen number two and a woman emerged. It was later revealed that the prospective brides behind screens one and three were a 52 year old male masochist from Gomel and a 78 year old transvestite from, ironically enough, Brest.

As part of a nationwide crackdown on indecency, a Hawaiian woman was arrested yesterday for flashing her mangoes in public.

And finally, fearful of her dropping popularity, Paris Hilton had surgery to become a mermaid in an effort to recapture the attention of the public. Unfortunately, she accidentally swam through a oil spill on her first day and had to be rescued by a passing ship.

In business news, industry analysts report that sales of canine sex toys have increased dramatically since the closing of the infamous doggie brothels.

In sports, Nike unveiled a new pole vault landing pad for exclusive use in the Gay Games. The mat is specially designed to encourage athletes to aim for the center of the landing area.

And finally, in entertainment news filming began yesterday on Brokeback Mountain 2: Laguna Lifeguards.