Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Interview Haikus

First Two Rounds:

As Caesar once said

I came, I saw, I conquered

On to the next round

Round Three:

My hopes had risen

But they, like everyone else

Have rejected me

Worst. Lunch. Ever.

Yesterday I did a favor by going out to lunch with a friend of a friend. It was so God-awful that I shall hencefort refer to the experience as the 'Longest Hour of My Life' (LHOML). In fact, if it's true that when we die, our life flashes before our eyes, I now know at exactly which part I will get up to use the restroom and stop at the counter to replenish my popcorn and soda supplies.

About five minutes into the LHOML, it became abundantly clear why my friend had suddenly developed other plans in spite of the fact that the woman with whom I was eating lunch was only in town for the day.

I'll spare you the majority of the gory details, but these two conversation snippets will give you an idea of just how painful it was.

Conversation One:

Her: "At the dinner I wore a lovely Oscar de la Renta dress. It was an original, not off-the-rack. An associate have given it to me for free because it was left over when nobody bought it at an auction to support Italian orphans. I can't imagine why nobody bid on it because its a beautiful dress and a wonderful cause. "

Me: "So are you going to send a donation?"

Her: "No, because the auction is over."

Me: "But you can still donate..."

Her: "Yes, but I don't see the point because I already have the dress."

Conversation Two:

Her: "So this wonderful man decided that he was going to do everything he could to get me on that plane..."

Twenty minutes of non-stop talking later...

Her: "I was going to tip him $40 but then I thought better of it because he might be offended. I suppose I could write a letter. I don't know his name, but I can describe him. He's of African descent with those wonderful racehorse marathon runners legs. Although I don't know if that will help because so many Africans have those."

Me (groaning audibly): "Can we get the check over here, please?"