Monday, May 29, 2006

The Pirate Adventure Begins

Current Crew:

Co-Captain - Okami
First Mates - LMizzle and Trevor
Quartermaster - Doug
Mutinous Crew Member - High Desert Diva
Pirate Wench - Fresh Air Lover

Buoyed1 by my staggering run of good luck in recruiting crew members from the blog world I set out to begin my Pirate Adventure. While some might argue that the leadership was top heavy with Canadians, I had no doubt that I'd chosen the best available talent, and that the balance of U.S. and Canadian crew, as well as the male/female ratios would bode well when it came time to complete my annual EEO-1 report.2

Still, I couldn't help but to be troubled by what was, to the best of my knowledge, a complete lack of nautical knowledge amongst my crew. Sure, the Officer's Table would be a bastion witty repartee and bon mots unmatched since the days of the Algonquin Round Table, but eventually we'd almost certainly become lost at sea at some point and, if that happened, the crew would almost certainly begin to pay heed to the mutinious rumblings of HDD so that they could starve to death under her leadership rather than mine. Then again, she's a chef so she could probably whip up some plankton stew and seaweed salad with saltwater dressing that would not only nourish them and having them begging for more. All the more reason to get a crew that would limt the possibilites of it coming to that.

In the hopes of finding some experienced crew, I took to the streets near the harbor in search of a tavern where I'd find a few sailors looking to set a course for adventure. Sadly, that seemed put me in mind of the Love Boat theme, which I absently mindedly hummed as I wandered into the tavern.

A few seconds later, I found myself forcibly ejected from the bar.

As I flew through the air on my way to the gutter, my eye caught sight of a small establishment called "Starbucks". After dusting myself off, I remembered that Starbuck was name of the first mate in Melville's classic "Moby Dick" and from that I surmised it to be the local haven for sea-faring folk.

My hunch was confirmed when a few young well-dressed men whistled and called out "Hell-o Sailor!" as I walked by on my way to the establishment.

I entered the brightly lit space, caught the eye of the serving wench behind the bar and growled "Get me a bottle o' rum before I have you keelhauled." Rather than leaping to satisfy the needs of a thirsty mariner, she pointed to the back of a long line and advised that I'd need to wait my turn.

It appeared that the locals had some strange customs to which I'd need to adapt before I could hope to be accepted as one of their own.
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1 Note the use of nautical terminology right off the bat. I'm going to be the best Pirate Captain ever.

2 The EEO-1 Report - formally known as the "Employer Information Report" - is a government form requiring many employers to provide a count of their employees by job category and then by ethnicity, race and gender. The EEO-1 report is submitted to both the EEOC and the Department of Labor, Office of Federal Contract Compliance Programs (OFCCP).

* Let me close by saying that posting via e-mail rocks. Without it, I wouldn't have been able to keep my promise to a friend to post this by today.