Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Free at Last

The sounds of fear and dismay you heard coming from the direction of the sea this morning was the result of sailors round the world hearing the news that I’m once again a free man.

I won't even begin to discuss how disappointed I was that my crew didn't see fit to come for me. All I'll say is that in my next post, I plan to lay out a pirate code and you can bet that item number one will be "ALWAYS rescue your Captain"

Fortunately, rather than being hanged and gibbetted gibbeted as I'd feared, my attorney was able to convince the judge to let me off with a warning provided that I seek psychiatric counseling (why does everyone suggest that?) and perform 200 hours of community service. In my case, I have to teach at-risk children the finer points of seamanship. I guess that means that now, on top of everything else, I’ll need to learn how to sail.

It never ends, or as my former cellmate Tim would say, “These are the times that try men’s souls.”

Tim has the soul of a poet, and he’s quite fond of quoting great works of literature. Unfortunately, he had the mind of a homicidal maniac, hence the reason he’s in his current predicament. I’d have asked him to join the crew, but we already had a Bloodthirsty Pirate. It was for the best anyway as it turns out that he’s not going to be available for the next 25 years or so.

Prison was an interesting experience, but one I’m not anxious to repeat. Now I know why the others at the Wednesday evening Pirate Captains Book Club vow that they won’t be taken alive should they face arrest. Of course, that didn’t help Swarthy John, a man as well know for his lady killing as for his piracy, when he leapt from the stern to avoid capture and castrated himself on the propeller. We now refer to him as Eunuch John, though not to his face as he’s remarkably touchy about the whole thing.

Anyway, it turns out that prison was nothing like what watching Women's Penitentiary 2 several dozen times had led me to believe. One look at the hardened criminals in the exercise yard was enough to tell me that. If I was going to survive this ordeal, I needed to intimidate them.

“All fear the dread pirate Gorgeous Tom Napier!” I shouted in a much squeakier voice than I’d intended. The inmates hid their fear behind whistles and catcalls, but I knew that deep down they were terrified.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work as well as I’d hoped for the next day I was forced to I hire Tim as my bodyguard – a task he undertook in return for a pack of cigarettes a day - after overhearing some of the other inmates plotting to wait until I fell asleep to sneak into my cell and get some “pirate booty.” Now as you know, I’ve had a few missteps on my way to the seas so I hadn’t amassed any treasure, but I guess they didn’t know that. The funny thing is that even if I did have something worth stealing, I wouldn’t be foolish enough to store it in a prison cell. 1 Still, I had no idea what they might do if they came up empty, and that’s what lead me to make my deal with Tim.

At other times, Tim seemed a little overprotective. For example, there was one inmate who apparently shared Diva’s passion for cooking for he constantly spoke of his love of tossing salad. I nearly invited him to join the crew to serve as a sous-chef, but for some reason Tim advised against it.

Stiil, with Tim by my side I was able to survive my imprisonment unscathed and, more importantly, unrepentant for my crimes. I demonstrated that as I walked towards the doors of the courtroom, when I looked back at the judge, and proclaimed “You will always remember this as the day you almost caught Captain Gorgeous Tom Napier'

“Isn’t that a quote from Pirates of the Caribbean?” she asked.

And with that, I turned and I sprinted from the courtroom lest I be tossed back in jail for plagiarism.
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1 I’d probably hide it in my freezer. 2

2 If any would be thieves happen to read this, please disregard the item above.