Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Pirate Code

The fact that none of the scurvy wags that comprise my crew were able to rescue me from prison calls attention the fact that we're badly in need of a Pirate Code of Conduct.

Rather than re-inventing the hull1, I've chosen to modify an existing code so that it won't be entirely unfamiliar to any real - erm, I mean 'other' - pirates that join our crew at a later date.2

So without further ado, I present to you The Official Pirate Code of Conduct for the Crew of the As Yet to be Named (and Yet to be Commandeered) Pirate Vessel:

I. ALWAYS rescue your Captain when he or she is imprisoned.

And keep Doug away from the glue while planning the rescue.

II. Every Man3 shall obey civil Command; The Captain is to have two full Shares; the Master is to have one Share and one Half; The Doctor, Mate, Gunner and Boatswain, one Share and one Quarter.

I was going to include the Chef as well, but then I remembered that she gets tips...and that she's mutinous.

III. If any Man shall offer to run away, or keep any Secret from the Company, he shall be marroon'd with one Bottle of Powder, one Bottle of Water, one small Arm, and shot.

I assume that this mean baby powder as chafing would seem to be problematic for the marroon'd. With respect to the shot, you'll have to whatever we have on hand at the moment. If you'd prefer a specific liquor, I'd suggest that you bring a bottle of it aboard.

As for the small arm, I haven't a clue where we'd get one of those. I suppose we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

IV. If any Man shall steel any Thing in the Company, or game, to the Value of a Piece of Eight, he shall be marroon'd or shot.

I'll let you know the current value of a piece of eight as soon as we hire a ship's accountant. I'm guessing that it's roughly equivalent to a either a loonie or a toonie.

V. If at any Time we should meet another Marrooner (that is Pyrate) that Man that shall sign his Articles without the Consent of our Company, shall suffer such Punishment as the Captain and Company shall think fit.

It goes with out saying that this in no way applies to the pirate pictured below. As far as I'm concerned, she's already a member of the crew.

VI. That Man that shall strike another whilst these Articles are in force, shall receive Mose's Law (that is 40 stripes lacking one) on the bare Back.

Let's just simplify this to 39 stripes. Given her expertise in the area of wet noodle lashes, we'll put Diva in charge of this one.

VII. That Person that shall snap his Arms, or smoak Tobacco in the Hold, without a cap to his Pipe, or carry a Candle lighted without a Lanthorn, shall suffer the same Punishment as in the former Article.

So that's were we get the small arms. Problem solved.

VIII. That Man that shall not keep his Arms clean, fit for an Engagement, or neglect his Business, shall be cut off from his Share, and suffer such other Punishment as the Captain and the Company shall think fit.

And that Man that spends too much time handing his Business - and neglects his duties as a result - shall suffer an even worse punishment.

IX. If any Man shall lose a Joint in time of an Engagement he shall have 400 pieces of Eight; if a limb 800.

For those of you that have inquired about this, I'm considering extending the same insurance to non-engaged crew as well as I can't see what having a fiancee has to do with anything. I'm also looking into the issue of domestic partner benefits.

X. The musicians to have rest on the Sabbath Day, but the other six days and nights, none without special favour.

The music will, of course, be Ultra's responsibility.

XI. No person to game at cards or dice for money.

However, Playstation and Xbox are okay as long as you're playing Sid Meier's Pirates.

XII. He that shall be guilty of Drunkenness in time of Engagement shall suffer what Punishment the Captain and Majority of the Company shall think fit.

Which will most likely involve a derisive nickname of some sort.

XIII. He that shall be found Guilty of Cowardice in the time of Ingagements, shall suffer what Punishment the Captain and the Majority of the Company shall think fit.

Generally, that will include reading this blog from start to finish with no breaks. Nobody has ever survived that ordeal.

XIV. He that sees a Sail first, shall have the best Pistol or Small Arm aboard of her.

Or a double ration of baby powder for the day. It's your choice.

XV. Every man has a vote in affairs of moment; has equal title to the fresh provisions, or strong liquors, at any time seized, and may use them at pleasure, unless a scarcity makes it necessary, for the good of all, to vote a retrenchment.

In the event of scarcity, I'll keep the liquor in my quarters. You can trust me. Really...

XVI. If at any time you meet with a prudent Woman, that Man that offers to meddle with her, without her Consent, shall suffer present Death.

This includes, but is not limited to, absent mindedly stroking her hair as you stand behind her whilst waiting on line.

I'll probably come up with a dress code at some point, but for now, please keep this simple phrase in mind as you plan your wardrobe:

"The mo' buckles, the mo' better"

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1 Notice how I used a nautical term in place of "wheel" there. I'm not the Captain for nothing, you know.

2 More specifically, the pirate below is strongly encouraged to join our crew:




I love a woman that carries her own parrot.

3 Our Ship's Attorneys have asked us to remind you that the terms "Man" and "He" in the articles above apply equally to both men and women.