Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Jolly Blogger

When our pirate adventure left off, my temporary crew member and I had spent the day keelhauling each other (so to speak). Now, as the sun began to set on the horizon, a sense of despair began to settle over me at the thought of having wasted another day. I had no idea how I was going to break the news to my crew that I'd failed once again to commandeer a vessel, but I sensed that they'd find out somehow. They had a sixth sense about these things - almost as if they had access to the Captain's Log that I'd cleverly hidden the internet under the blog name of "Random Thoughts from NYC" but confusing things further by using the address whatsinsidejoe.blogspot.com.

Seeing me overcome with melancholy, she inquired as to the nature of my mood swing. With that slight urging, it was as if a dam had broken and I poured forth my concerns as we paddled back towards shore. If knew that if I didn't find a ship soon, the whole pirate adventure would be a complete failure.

As we reached the dock behind her home, she asked me to wait for a few moments while she ran to fetch something for me. Of course, I obeyed her request because I'm a gentleman pirate, and not because (as some would have you believe) I wanted to look up her shorts as she climbed the wooden ladder. (so to speak)

I watched the sun's dying rays dance across the water until my reverie was interrupted by a set of keys bouncing off of my head and into my lap. I looked up to see her standing there with a smile as wide as...um...a really big smile.

(Sorry, I was absent the day we covered similies in Pirate Captain School)

"Those are the keys to my father's sailing yacht. He's going to be Europe with his new wife for at least six months, so he won't miss it." she said.

Tears welled in my eyes - the majority of which were due to the residual pain of the key drop. Still, I'm sure there were some tears of gratitude in the mix. That said, I also know that no self-respecting Pirate Captain would take a vessel as a gift for the rules state that in order for to be a true pirate ship, it must be commandeered. Were I to accept it, I'd never be able to show my face at a class reunion.

With a heavy heart, I explained the circumstances to her. She pondered them for a few moments before offering a solution - and that's how I found myself the next morning standing before an obstacle course.


And with those words, I was off. I scaled the fence before me and before I knew it I was on the other side, writhing in pain from having had my testicles crushed when my foot slipped at the top and I landed spread eagled on the crossbar. After a brief lay down, a quick vomit, and some quiet, contemplative whimpering, I soldiered on.

I sprinted across the lawn (see comments for clarification) and rounded a corner at breakneck speed deftly hurdling the garbage pails that blocked my way and landing squarely on the skateboard positioned just a few feet behind it. When I awoke an indeterminate amount of time later, I noticed her observing me with a concerned look on her face.

"You're not supposed to be looking this way!" I reminded her.

"Idiot" she replied, before turning back to the sea.

Still woozy, I clambered to my feet and prepared to face the final obstacle between myself and the prize that I coveted so dearly. It was a beast so terrifying that I struggle to find the words to describe it.

It's eyes glowed like fiery coals. It's fur was as dark as the blackest night. It's serrated teeth shone from the saliva that dripped from its hungry jowls. It stood at least 10 inches tall and growled ferociously as I neared. The timid should continue reading, but the brave souls among you may click here to see a picture of the wretched beast. However, I warn you that you do so at your own peril, for it is likely that you will never again be able to close your eyes recalling it's terrifying visage.

Despite the danger, I had an obligation to my crew and so without further hesitation I sprinted towards the beast. My only hope was to outrun it. I raced as quickly as my legs would carry me and yet the creature closed the gap between us as if I were standing still. Nearing the finish, I dove for the dock as it lunged for me. Fortunately, it was too late and it's leash snapped taut leaving the animal snapping it's jaws impotently mere centimeters from my ankles.

The last obstacle conquered, I strode boldly to the woman's side, snatched the keys and proclaimed "Madame, I - the Pirate Captain Gorgeous Tom Napier - hereby commandeering your vessel the..."

I squinted to read the name on the ship anchored a few hundred yards off shore.

"...the Wet Dream" I concluded, lowering my voice in embarrassment.

As I turned back in her direction, I saw observed her brandishing a paddle which, just a millisecond later, she used to smack me full-force in the face, sending me tumbling off of the dock and into the water below.

"Oh no! A pirate captain has stolen my keys and jumped into the water where I cannot reach him" she cried in order to cover her tracks lest anyone think her complicit in the act of piracy.

As for me, I swam to the boat, clambered aboard. A few hours later, I finished painting "The Jolly Blogger" across the stern, and I set sail to gather my crew.