Sunday, July 09, 2006

Letter Man

I received two interesting e-mails last week that I thought I'd share with you. The first came from a friend and I'll keep it to the first few paragraphs. Those of you who have grown weary of the occasional maudlin post here can skip this one.


I was reading a book last night and there were two passages that made me think of you. The first reminded me of your recent depression and of how frightening it was for everyone that cares about you to see you so hollow, lonely, and adrift.

There comes a time, I think, in every man’s life when he is forced to see his utter helplessness. He spends his last penny on a drink , or the woman he loves sweeps his plate clean of him, or he learns that the man he has trusted with everything wishes him only evil. And in that moment, he is bare.

The second reminded me of the time we were talking and I suddently realized what a lifetime of pain there was behind the self-depricating jokes you make.

Well, Reader, you know how it can be. You tilt with a man, you whang him with your lance, and then, out of nowhere, he throws off all his armor – as though to say “Here I am” – and you see at once there was never any point in tilting. A whole world of pain has already been inflicted.


The second - and far more exciting e-mail - came from a complete stranger. Apparently, I'm going to be rich!

Investment Plan1

Please read!2

In April 2003, Staff Sergeant Kenneth Buff of the United States Army found US$160 million hidden by fleeing members of the Baath Party led by former dictator Saddam Hussein of Iraq. Later, a search of the area revealed more hidden loot, totaling US$650 million in all! For a detailed account of the money found by the US Soldiers, please click on the following website:3

Last week, during a routine archaeological excavation of the area east of Tigris River,4 I discovered 2 boxes of the similar kind found by US Army! After careful examination I discovered that it is $100 US Dollars notes totaling USD 7Million which I concealed personally and packaged in one box hidden safely at my place of residence.

Indeed, the security situation here is very critical; I would want to move those funds out of the country without hesitation. Therefore the solution is to move this money abroad anxiously as I cannot do it alone;5 I need foreign help! Can you help me?6 I do not have any foreign contacts.7 I will therefore appreciate your help to move this money abroad for investment. In consideration of your help, you will keep US$1.4 million of this money as your share, and keep US$5.6 million in a safe bank account for me, until I will arrive your Country to invest the money.8

If you are interested, please reply urgently so that we can conclude the plan to move this money. It will be 100% risk free! You will not be required to travel to Iraq. Rather I can send it to you via diplomatic courier service9 through special arrangement to your country for you to clear and collect and proceed for subsequent lodgment of the money into your designated account pending my arrival as time can permit me

May Allah bless you!


Samir Abou Rabia
Baghdad Iraq

1 What a professional and trust inducing opening. I'm hooked.

2 Okay, now if I weren't reading it, would I have gotten this far? Come on, Samir. Think!

3 I have to admit that I was still a little skeptical, but this link allayed my fears for two reasons. First, it's clearly not one of those Nigerian scams that I've heard about because this one is from Iraq. Second, as we all know by now, if it's on the internet, then it must be true.

4 You know, there's nothing I enjoy more than spending my weekends conducting routine archaeological excavations.

5 It goes without saying that if you need to do something without hesitation, you should be sure to do it anxiously.

6 I think that leaves me out because, as
Grant correctly observes, we Americans view everyone else in the world as foreigners.

7 See previous comment.

8 Hey, if you can’t trust your US $5.6 million to a person that you randomly e-mailed, then who can you trust?

9 Hold on. The diplomatic courier is bringing Iraq to me? Where the hell am I supposed to put it?

I will say this, though. If those insurgents start blowing up my furniture, I’m going to be pretty pissed.