Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Mail Enhancement

If I've learned one thing as a result of posting my resume on various job sites it's that doing so greatly increases the volume of incoming e-mail traffic. Given the amount of spare time on my hands, I took a few hours to carefully analyze the contents of my inbox, and in doing so, I realized that a certain good news/bad news theme has emerged.

For example...

Bad News:
Sadly, many people in the Middle East and Africa have passed away recently leaving no living relatives.

Good News:
After sending my bank account information and social security numbers to each person who asks, I'll soon have roughly $6.8 billion dollars in my savings account - and that doesn't include the money that I need to travel overseas to pick up.


Bad News:
I'm apparently in dire need of some sort of penile enlargement.

Good News:
There are a variety of male-enhancement creams, pills, and even futuristic pumping devices that can quickly and easily solve that problem for roughly $19.95 each.

Bad News:
On a similar note, the e-mails indicate that my sexual prowess leaves quite a bit to be desired, due to both erectile dysfunction and lack of longevity.

Good News:
Not only are there both herbal and pharmaceutical remedies for both issues, but neither of the above outlined issues have prevented a plethora of nubile co-eds, horny housewives, and barely legal girls from inviting me to visit their websites so that they can perform various sexual acts for my viewing pleasure.

I'm certainly going to miss these life altering insights when I return to work.