Tuesday, August 01, 2006

View-Master and Commander

Alright mateys, I'm off to Chicago to rape the city and pillage the women.

Or to attend a lunch interview before flying back to NYC tomorrow night and prepping for three more interviews on Thursday. I must be the hardest...erm...non-working Capitan in the pirate industry. Anyway, in the event my plane crashes, I don't want to leave you wondering where we stand with respect to our adventure, so here's an entry from my Captain's Log that will help bring you up to date.

After a few months of scrambling, scheming, and being towed off of sandbars by the increasingly annoyed members of the various Coast Guard stations up and down the East Coast of the United States, our crew is finally assembled and we're ready to set sail for adventure.

It's been a rough start, though. For example, we had scarcely boarded the ship when I heard someone call out "Sail Ahoy!"

I scanned the deck and saw Doug jumping up and down and pointing excitedly.

"“According to the Pirate Code you wrote for us, I get the best pistol or small arm aboard this ship!"” he said, eyeing my flintlock greedily,

"“Those are our sails, Doug. They don'’t count."”

"“You never stated that in the articles!" he countered.

I could see he wasn't going to back down, and neither was I. That meant that we'd have no choice but to settle our dispute by relying on the time honored tradition of...

A Pirate Debate!

A few hours later, Messiah finished constructing our podiums and the crew stood before us prepared to hear our brilliant rhetoric and scathing retorts.

Fortunately, I'’d prepared for a moment like this. For starters, I'’d bribed messiah to build a podium for me and a mere lectern for Doug. I knew the crew would spot the difference immediately, leaving Doug trailing in the respect column before we'’d even begun.

However, this was too important to leave to chance, so I tilted the odds in my favor even further. As we shook hands before taking our places for the debate, I casually passed him a bag containing a View-Master, a few reels of naked llama pictures, and roast beef sandwich that I'd asked his wife to prepare in the event of just such an emergency. When I saw him peek into the bag, I knew that victory was mine. Sure enough, but the time the moderator asked him for his opening statement, Doug was too busy munching his sandwich and giggling at the pictures to even bother responding.

In fact, my plan worked a little too well for seconds later I found myself engulfed by the crew, all of whom were pushing and shoving in the hopes of getting a look at the pictures. Fortunately, my co-capitan Okami came to the rescue by having Messiah cobble together a rudimentary "take a number" system that quickly restored order.

All in all, it wasn'’t the most auspicious start for the crew of the Jolly Blogger, but as I close this entry, I console myself with the thought that things can only get better from here on out.