Friday, September 29, 2006

The Week in Pictures LXII

Random Friday Thoughts:

I'm heading upstate this weekend to hike, rock climb, and/or go white water rafting. I can't tell you how much I love autumn.

I received an interesting resume and cover letter this week. The resume was titled "Challenging Employee", which I'm not sure is exactly what the candidate meant. The best part is that the cover letter contained the following line:


I predict a stellar career in Human Resources for her.

Overheard in the book store:
"MySpace is a site for underage drinking and...well, let's just say underage drinking and leave it at that. "

And I thought "(1) What a dumbass and (2) I wish they had websites for drinking when I was underage. I would have never left the house. "

Let's move on to the WiP.

The Yankee Candle Company is recalling several thousand stick candles after reports that they shoot hot wax when stroked.

Police in Nagoya, Japan have advised the public to be on the lookout for a robbery suspect considered armed and dangerous.

A member of the Chinese paramilitary police's special force is facing a court martial hearing after he broke a 3,000 year old relic he was carrying when he sneezed.

Pakistani fire fighters have added powerful weapon to their arsenal after hiring a man who uses his powerful urine streams to help fight blazes.

The Taiwanese government has launched a recruiting campaign specifically designed to lure Grant into joining their armed forces.

Alternate Caption: General Dynamics Land Systems is trying to distinguish itself in the battle tank market by throwing in an exotic dancer with every tank sold.

The move is also timed to take advantage recent allegations that competing battle tank manufacturer BAE Systems Land Systems uses small children on treadmills to power their wheels.

Our video of the week is Here (In Your Arms) by Hellogoodbye

While the debate regarding the chicken and the egg continues, recently uncovered evidence indicates that the ostrich and the egg arrived simultaneously.

Rescuers worked for several hours to free a man who became trapped in his newly remodeled house when his contractor misread the blueprints and built a mouse hole sized door.

Gratuitous picture of Elena Santarelli

Arsenal's Thierry Henry and Alexander Hleb incurred the wrath of fans when came out of the closet in the midst of a match only to have FC Porto to score an important goal while they were hugging at midfield.

After two years of disappointing sales, Kellogg's has announced that it will discontinue its "Tarantula Flakes" breakfast cereal.

A church in Dornbirn, Austria was flattened when one worshipper suddenly had doubts while listening to a sermon on how faith can move mountains.

Several horses at France's Cadre Noir de Saumur national equestrian school have filed sexual harassment charges against their handlers for what they call the "suspicious frequency and inappropriateness" of their thrice daily hernia checks.

Keeper Kesha Phares of the Pittsburgh Zoo and PPG Aquarium will be the featured artist at a local gallery exhibit highlighting a series of abstract paintings she created using water seal.

And finally, Bulgarian Simona Peycheva failed to medal at the European Rhythmic gymnastics championship in Moscow despite her provocative, yet unfortunately named, "Balls on my Chin" routine.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

4 What?

It's been nearly a week and I haven't done anything overtly stupid, yet. Well, at least as far as the embryonic relationship goes, that is. That has to be a record for me.

Last night we went to the Yankees/Orioles game with some of her co-workers. For some reason I assumed that they'd have connections, but the seats were so high that I had to hire a sherpa to carry our beer and hotdogs (click on picture to see where we were sitting). On the bright side, when we wanted pretzels, we simply got them from the flight attendant on a passing jet rather than having to walk all the way down to the concession stand.

The Yankees were winning in a blowout so we left in the fifth inning and headed back to Manhattan to grab a late dinner. While we were waiting for the 4 train, a woman walked up to us and began telling reporter girl how much she "loves her work."

She loves her work?!?

I mean, what can you possibly say to follow that up?

"I cried for hours when you reported on the missing puppy - and then when you did that story on the car that crashed into the deli, you made it so real that it was weeks before I could drive my car or eat a pastrami on rye."

Anyway, the most disconcerting thing about hanging out with her are the double takes - particularly since I'm never sure if people are doing it because they recognize her, or because they can't believe that a woman that cute is out with someone like me.

Before you start commenting on my self-esteem or how you're sure it's not all that bad, let me give you five words that come close to describing the disparity: Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri

Enough said.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Is it Possible to Actually Die of Boredom?

You'll never guess what happened yesterday while I was in Stamford.

Go ahead, guess.


That's right.


I think I may have stumbled across the most boring city in the Northeast, if not the entire country. The best thing you can say about the place us that its conveniently situated next to Interstate 95. Of course what that really means is that its really easy to make a quick getaway - a fact you're certain to appreciate if you ever have to spend the day there. In that respect, the city has a lot in common with the state of New Jersey, which is know with good reason for its excellent interstate highway system.

Lest you think I'm being overly harsh in my critique of the fair city of Stamford, allow me to balance the picture with a few kind words...



I got nuthin'

Monday, September 25, 2006

This Just In

The date went well.

Very well.

Very, very well.

So well, in fact, that we spent the majority of this past weekend together, too.

Sadly, Roger, she's yet to bring any props.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, feel free to scroll down to the WiP.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

The Week in Pictures LXI

Random Friday-ish thoughts:

Sorry for not posting this last week. Let's be honest, though, nobody reads this thing on Friday (or any other day for that matter) so is it really that big a deal?

I thought not...

Anyway, rather than listening to me prattle on, let's get right to the WiP.

The Department of Motor Vehicles is looking into ways to improve customer service after customers began turning to stone while awaiting their turn in line.

The Capitan of the space shuttle Atlantis badly shanked the landing and nearly wound up in the water hazard.

Thousands of visitors flocked to the Royal Academy of Arts last week for a major retrospective of Rodin's work which includes his famous sculpture "Man Taking a Dump on your Head"

Britain's Prince William is undergoing a psychiatric evaluation after he was found in a maternity ward trying to breastfeed newborns.

Pfizer Pharmaceutical Company agreed to pay an undisclosed amount to four men who suffered embarrassing side effects from prolonged use of Viagra.

Others, however, have found creative ways to profit from their use of the drug.

A new study of shows that United Nations peacekeeping forces could increase their effectiveness dramatically were they to spend less time checking out women at the local beaches.

Concerned over the lack of basic civility among students, some schools have reportedly resorted to muzzling the especially rowdy ones.

In a shocking turn of events, Monaco forward Jan Koller - the initial favorite - was knocked out in the opening round of the Dodge Ball World Cup.

Stable keepers in The Hague, Holland are experimenting with a sulfur rich diet in an effort to help military horses create their own camouflage during battle.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez paused during a fiery speech at the United Nations to pray that someone would shut him up.

In an homage the Women's Liberation Movement of the 1960's and 70's many women have chosen to stop shaving their body hair.

Insert your own "heart-on" joke here.

Ireland has embarked on an ambitious project to celebrate it's rich history and reputation as "The Emerald Isle" by paving all of it's roadways green.

In an exclusive behind the scenes interview, a makeup artist talks openly about the hours of work it takes to make Geraldo Rivera presentable for his show.

After years of toiling in the shadow of King Tut, Cleopatra is launching her comeback with a racy swimsuit calendar.

Veteran character actor Moses has reportedly agreed to play Gandalf in the upcoming $25 million musical version of The Lord of the Rings.

And finally, in yet another desperate attempt at publicity, Britney Spears broadcast the birth of her son over the internet, causing shock, horror, and mental trauma for the few who tuned in.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

It Began with Innocent Flirting and Ended in Disaster

I have a date tonight with a television reporter.

I'm terrified that I'm going to wake up tomorrow, turn on the morning news and hear:

"Reporting live from the scene of the worst date ever, this is..."

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Back In Form

Sorry about yesterday's post, which seems to have sprung from a general malaise brought about by a visit to our downtown office which involved walking by the WTC site - a spot I've tried to avoid visiting for the last few years.

Either that or I wasn't joking about my impending mid-life crisis.

Anyway, based on a conversation I had with a woman in the elevator, I seem to have bounced back to my usual pathetic form:

Her: "You look familiar. Were you at Mr. Dennehy's on Friday?"

Me: "Yes. Don't worry, though. This is just a coincidence. I'm not following you around or anything."

Her: (laughs) "I'm guessing you left Mr. D's because we were out of control. I think a lot of people were annoyed at us."

Me: "Nah. I had to meet someone for dinner. Besides, you guys weren't that bad, expect for that one really obnoxious guy in the blue shirt."

Her: "That's my boyfriend"

Me: "Erm...of course I meant obnoxious in the best possible way."

Monday, September 18, 2006

I Don't Like Mondays

Most days I feel infinitely old and burdened by a crushing weight bearing down upon me and I wonder if it's possible for something so sad to happen to someone that they carry that sadness around with them forever.

And I try to remember at what point I stopped defining myself not by who I am, but rather by what I've lost.

Friday, September 15, 2006

The Week in Pictures LX

Random Friday Thoughts:

Work is still cool.

Life is still life.

I have parties to attend to tonight and tomorrow, and I'm heading to the Jets - Patriots game on Sunday. Oddly enough, I'm not looking forward to any of it.

I really don't have much to say today and blogger - which has apparently recognized that the vapid, insipid drek that I call writing and my pathetic attempts at wit are cluttering up the internet - seems to agree and has therefore made my blog unreachable for the better part of the day, so let's move on to the WiP and see if anyone ever has the misfortune of seeing it.

The moon suffered an embarrassing moment just before dawn today when it discovered that it had spent the entire night with it's fly unzipped.

A member of the Cuban Honour Guard was drummed out of service after an unseemly incident in which his bayonet rose while he was checking out a female soldier at the end of the receiving line.

Astrologers studying the sun uncovered shocking evidence regarding the origin of the asteroids hurtling around the galaxy.

A man is suing Macy's after an unexploded firework became lodged in as he watched the retailer's famed 4th of July show.

A record number of shark attacks in the area have made swimmers remain more skittish than usual while bathing in the ocean.

A severe shortage of women in the region is forcing Tongolese men to find companionship by using alternative means.

Religious leaders concerned that Jesus may have fallen off the wagon have hung 'missing deity' posters at a number of local bars.

Jennifer Aniston and her identical twin sister will appear on Oprah next week to discuss how jealousy over the former Friends star's success has soured their relationship.

Business formal dress is coming back in a big way as many designers at Spring 2007 Fashion Week in New York City unveiled the huge ties that should be all the rage next year.

A man who visited his doctor complaining of a tingling sensation in his ass was relieved to find that it was caused by the vibrating cell phone he'd lost a month earlier

Researchers studying the dwindling ice caps in Antarctica found a frozen hippie who had apparently become disoriented and wandered north after smoking too much weed at Woodstock.

Everton's Andy Johnson suffered a concussion during a match with Liverpool when he was hit in the head by a piece of soccer ball size hail.

Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai is offering a reward of $1,000,000 afghanis ($19,992 U.S. dollars) for information leading to the capture of the thief that stole his novelty Coke bottle bank.

Two men were killed this afternoon after engaging in a game of 'chicken' over who could wait the longest to open his parachute.

As a result of the tragedy, others participating in the dangerous pastime have begun making contingency plans.

Italy's Tania di Mario nearly drowned during a recent water polo match when the water rose by an extra foot.

Featured amongst the statues in a new Greek park celebrating the life of Alexander the Great is one of his lesser known brother "Alexander the Skate." .

A tourist in Central Park received the shock of his life when he opened his eyes and found a squirrel nibbling on his nuts.