Friday, September 08, 2006

The Week in Pictures LIX

I turned 40 years old yesterday.

Now I know that some of you are surprised by that, especially given the fact that I seem to combine the looks of a sixty year old man with the sense of humor of a six year old boy - but I assure you that I'm telling the truth.

The best part about reaching this milestone is that I can finally fully embrace my mid-life crisis. That means that during the next year you can look forward to posts in which I:

  • Buy an outrageously expensive sports car in the hopes of offsetting my declining virility;
  • Date various 20 something year-old women who are only interested in my money (imagine their surprise when they see how little is in my bank account);
  • Get arrested for forging Viagra prescriptions;
  • Try Rogaine, attempt hair transplants and, when both fail, buy a toupee;
  • Marry Anna Nicole Smith; and
  • Post pictures of myself with my shirt unbuttoned to the waist in order to better display the huge gold medallion I'll be wearing.
Anyway, in honor of my birthday, Shakira has been in own over the past two weeks. We've spent most of that time together beginning with last week's Video Music Awards1 and continuing this week with various romantic pursuits such as candlelit dinners, carriage rides through the park, and watching DVDs at home.2 Our time together culminated last nigh when she played a special birthday concert for me at Madison Square Garden.3 I really think we have something special going on here.

1 Where I stood on the sidewalk at the very edge of the 500 foot distance required by the restraining order and watched her arrival through a pair of binoculars.

2 Actually, I did all of those things alone while playing "Hips Don't Lie" on my iPod.

3 A concert which I was not allowed to attend as per the previously mentioned restraining order.

Overheard outside of an adult shop near 37th and 6th:
"Just a second. I want to run in here and see if they sell anal vibrators."


Let's move on the to WiP:

Hot on the heels of Paris Hilton's arrest for DUI comes news that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were nabbed while attempting to smuggle babies out of a Los Angeles maternity ward.

A woman is suing her hairdresser for $5 million, claiming that she suffered neck injuries when the stylist applied a moisture seal to her hair.

A wild animal at the Ueno Zoo in Tokyo received a summons this week for violating an ordinance against going bear in public.

Tragedy struck when one of the performers accidentally strangled herself during the dress rehearsal of the latest production of 'Dralion' by Cirque Du Soleil .

According to an article in the Buddhist Times many believe that deceased Grateful Dead frontman Jerry Garcia has been reincarnated as a goldfish.

The giant marshmallow he was transporting is believed to have saved the life of a deliveryman when he collided with a taxi.

Hungarian sculptor and professor of architecture Erno Rubik - the inventor of the famed Rubik's cube - has designed an house with a unique security feature - it must be solved in order find the door.

An alert chimney sweep came to Santa Claus' rescue when the jolly old elf became stuck during a pre-Christmas dry run.

In a related story, Santa announced that he is shutting down his Christmas Ham breeding farm.

A model bravely worked the runway during Melbourne Spring Fashion Week despite the fact that she was still seeing stars after being accidentally hit in the head earlier in the day.

Biology researchers believe they have found the missing evolutionary link between monkeys and Barbara Streisand.

The world was thrown out of balance temporarily yesterday afternoon when the broom cleaning Yang momentarily slipped into Yin.

Yet another gratuitous picture of Shakira.

An anonymous whistleblower has come forward to disclose information about illegal human fly breeding experiments being conducted in the biotechnology industry.

Traffic jams clogged the Spanish freeways as the entire country took to their bikes and headed down to the shore for one last summer weekend.

A group of sailors on shore leave were briefly hospitalized for scrapes suffered while trying to service themselves against a pair of lips painted on a concrete wall.

Thrifty Sri Lankans are using the giant mushrooms created during the country's rainy season as umbrellas.

Memphis Grizzlies forward Pau Gasol announced that he's leaving the NBA to pursue his dream of becoming a world-class synchronized swimmer.

A small boy barely escaped with his life when he was swept down the street after a gumball machine malfunctioned.

A planned protest of the U.S. Open by the National Organization for Women was abruptly cancelled when the rally organizers realized that they'd misinterpreted an edict requiring workers to have two balls.

Mafuzur Rahman of Bangladesh missed out on a medal in the 110 meter hurdles when a prankster tied his shoelaces together as he waited in the starting blocks .

After six shows, The Kevin Federline/Paris Hilton concert tour sold it's first ticket this week.

Okay, I need to go so that I can continue my birthday celebration.