Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Well Fed

The cold winds blew scattered debris across the desolate landscape. I shivered and wrapped my blanket around me more tightly as I sipped a cup of my preferred Starbucks brand beverage. I’d arrived early Sunday evening and camped out as I’d expected that the lines to snake around the building. However, for some reason I was the only one there. Was it possible that I had the date wrong? I pulled out my Blackberry and confirmed that October 31 was correct.

I checked my watch and sighed. In just a few more minutes I'd have my answer. The time dragged on endlessly, each second seeming to last an eternity. Finally, midnight struck. I sprung from my chair and stood at the doors - waiting for them to spring open so that I could rush in and claim my prize - but alas, the doors stayed closed and the store remained dark. I waited a few more minutes and then I shuffled back to my car dejectedly and loaded my belongings.

On the drive back home, I took solace in the fact that I finally had the answer to the age old question:

“What happens if K-Fed's CD drops and nobody is around to hear it?”

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Week in Pictures LXV

Random Friday Thoughts

Work has been crazy of late. So much so, in fact, that I barely have time to blog. I wish they'd told me that during the interview process as I'd have asked for more money.

I have a wedding to attend tonight. While it sucks to go straight from work to a wedding, it's nice in that it leaves the remainder of the weekend free. Now I can spend Saturday and Sunday doing fun things like...



Let me get back to you on that.

Clocks go back an hour this weekend, so that means an extra hour of sleep on Sunday morning. I can't wait.

Let's move on to the WiP:

Six weeks after giving birth, singer Britney Spears made her first public appearance yesterday.

After years of being caged at the Metropolitan Park Zoo in Santiago, Chile, many of the giraffes have come to embrace a BDSM lifestyle.

Residents of Cala Millor reported an unusual sunset yesterday after the village's drinking water was accidentally laced with LSD.

Fans of The View panicked momentarily as Rosie O'Donnell threatened to do a stage dive into the audience during a recent publicity appearance in South Korea.

Two of Disney's most recognizable mascots announced that they're launching their own clothing lines. His will focus on urban fashions, while hers will be more retro in nature, as evidenced by her Minnie-skirt.

Vatican officials are still searching for clues as to the identity of the person that glued Pope Benedict XVI's hands together while the Pontiff slept.

A lost polar bear was finally able to make it back home after stopping near Ontario's Parliament Hill to ask a RCMP officer for directions .

Police are asking for your help in locating the head, neck, torso, and arms that match a pair of legs found wandering around midtown Manhattan.

A severe infestation has local gardeners taking a more aggressive approach towards pest control this year.

Detectives in London's Scotland Yard were somehow able to build an airtight armed robbery case against a suspect based on only a single palm print left at the scene.

Great White Sharks are raving about the new all-you-can-eat buffet that recently opened near Australia's Great Barrier Reef.

This just in...police have located a pair of hands that go with the legs they found earlier. The two have been reunited and are said to be praying for the safe return of the rest of the body.

German officials have quarantined the Berliner Dom Church while they search for the cause of the mysterious rash that's broken out on the face of the building.

Upon seeing state of the restroom at CBGB, former owner Hilly Kristal said "I guess in retrospect we probably should have put some reading materials in there."

The basket attached Honda's Asmio robot balloon fell to the ground after the robot suffered a bout of performance anxiety and deflated while trying to get it up front of a crowd.

After 45 years in the business, acrobat Bruce Cody is changing professions - citing the increasing difficulty of supporting his family.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has been asked to cease wearing revealing blazers after several diplomats complained about her wrinkly cleavage.

Fishermen in a rural village have abandoned plans to catch sunfish after discovering that they couldn't cast their lines nearly far enough.

A Nevada woman desperately trying to sell her living room area rug after realizing that it takes two full days to vacuum it.

In a cost cutting measure, Kryptonian courts have begun imprisoning felons in Mylar balloons rather than the previously used Phantom Zones.

While attempting a difficult maneuver on the balance beam, Brazil's Camila Comin became the first person to successfully stick her head up her own ass.

And finally, a judge has ruled that RJ Reynolds must reimburse a local news station for a satellite dish that was damaged when the Marlboro man used it as an ashtray.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

For the Record

Justin Timberlake is getting all of the publicity, but I want it noted that I tried to bring SexyBack three years ago.

Unfortunately, it took one look at me, snorted contemptuously, and walked away chuckling to itself.

On the bright side, I did get several very tempting offers from insecure, nauseating, hideous, cringe-inducing, boring, sarcastic, vapid, tedious, and pathetic.

You've probably noticed by now that I accepted all of them.

Monday, October 23, 2006

At the Copa

A few observations from Saturday evening/Sunday morning at Copacabana:

  1. We took a break from the club section downstairs and went up to the main room to watch the band play salsa and merengue. The average age of the people on the dance floor was around 55, and they all danced with grace and style that I'll never be able to match.

  2. Things that seem like a good idea after 2 a.m. are often not that smart when viewed in the harsh light of the follwing day. More to come on that topic at a later date.

  3. After looking around the club and idly wondering why so many stunning women were there with such average guys I quickly realized that everyone else is probably thinking the same thing about me and my date.

  4. I haven't been dancing in a few months, so let me summarize the results for you. You know that old adage that says that if a man can't dance, he's probably not good in bed? It turns out that the reverse is also true.

Okay, I need to get back to battling the flu-like symptoms that I seem to have contracted over the weekend. Anyone who's interested should feel free to come out to NYC to nurse me back to health. If things take a turn for the worse, I'll make sure that you're mentioned in the will.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Broker Language 101

One of the really cool things about working for this company is that leadership seems to recognize that certain people are idiots. Even better is that there's somewhat of a "blue collar" mentality that allows people to say what's on their mind without much fear of retrobution.

For example, I was called into a broker's office last week because he wanted to complain about a problem that he'd encountered. After hearing the story, it was evident that he was mostly to blame for the issues at hand, but that didn't stop him from becoming increasing agitated. Finally, the conversation took a bizzare turn.

Arrogant Broker: What religion are you?

Me: Erm...I'm not sure that has anything to do with what we're discussing

Arrogant Broker: Well, based on your name I don't think you're Jewish. If you were, then you'd know that they only do things like this to be because I am.

Me: I don't think your religion was a factor. I mean, how would they even know that?

Arrogant Broker: So what do you as an "HR expert" believe is the reason for the treatment that I received?

Me: From what I've seen, I'm guessing that they dislike you on your own merits.

Arrogant Broker: You need to learn how to show respect to the people that pay your salary.


Me: You got beat up a lot growing up, didn't you?

Monday, October 16, 2006

Weekend Update

The mellow vibe of the lounge stood in stark contrast to that of the local bars - most of which were packed with the post-work week crowd looking to get as drunk as possible as quickly as possible.

Reporter girl and I sat on an oversized velvet couch and sipped our drinks in silence as we let the music wash over us.

She leaned against me and sighed contentedly.

"This is nice" she whispered.

I agreed.

"But it would be much nicer if we were back at your place." she added.

We were out the door before her words faded away.

Saturday was spent relaxing and unwinding, but yesterday brought with it a pleasant surprise when she revealed that she'd been able to pull some strings to get us into the farewell show at the legendary CBGB.

We danced, drank, and shouted along with Patti Smith and the 500+ people that were jammed crowded inside of the 350 person capacity club. For few blissful hours, it felt as if I was living Ultra's life.

Nobody seemed in any hurry to leave afterwards, so a few hundred people hung around sharing drinks and memories with the people milling about outside. It was amazing to hear some of the things people talked about, and I envied their attendance at some of the events that I'd only read about. Needless to say, hearing people speak about the shows put on by legendary acts like The Ramones, the Sex Pistols, the New York Dolls, and Blondie put to shame my tired story about seeing U2 at a club called Malibu on Long Island in the early 80's before they broke big.

Now my hangover and state of exhaustion are such that all I want to do is curl up in the corner and die - which is exactly what I'd do were I not afraid that my temporary hearing loss (always the sign of a great show) would prevent me from communicating with the angels that would (presumably) be waiting to carry me off to heaven.

Friday, October 13, 2006

The Week in Pictures LXIV

Random Friday Thoughts:

The end of the work week is finally upon us and 5:30 can't come quickly enough. After being downtown all day Tuesday, in NJ Wednesday morning and back to midtown Wednesday afternoon, in Stamford yesterday morning and back in midtown yesterday afternoon, and in Long Island today, I'm just looking forward to heading out for dinner and drinks in NYC tonight and then spending the remainder of the weekend engaged in various and sundry stress-relieving pursuits.

That said, I had the summer off so I really can't complain about being tired. And being back at work seems to have dramatically increased the quantity of my blog posts, though it has nothing to do with the continuing decrease in quality.

Quick note: There is no video of the week this week as the staff member responsible for that portion of the WiP is on unpaid leave for offending MG and Okami with last week's selection.

Lets move on to the WiP:

President Bush received the surprise of his life during a recent news conference when Rep. Mark Foley began to orally service him from his hiding place in the White House press room podium.

Faced with plunging profits in a more health conscious world, Krispy Kreme is now selling stale donuts for uses as paving bricks.

Two children barely escaped with their lives when then got stuck under Rosie O'Donnell's skirt.

Among the surprises in the 2006 Neiman Marcus holiday catalog is a do-it-yourself lobotomy kit.

Despite high hopes when the venture was launched last year, business analysts predict that the Tibetan Hearing Aid Company will be bankrupt within a month.

Cuddly Sesame Street character Elmo is trying to shake his good boy image by releasing a hip-hop CD under the pseudonym T.M.X.

Clothing manufacturers that use cheap labor to work in their factories are now facing added criticism for using those same workers as runway models.

A ten-foot-tall hare entered London's Regent's Park and began shooting at passersby in an apparent act of revenge for an unspecified incident during last year's rabbit hunting season.

No caption, this is just a cool picture.

As autumn temperatures plummet, farmers are scrambling to complete their pasta tree harvests in advance of the first frost.

A village of leprechauns was destroyed when a flash flood washed over the end of their rainbows, taking with it the pots of gold the tiny creatures had been guarding.

With all military funds diverted to the country's nuclear weapons testing program, North Korean soldiers left bullet-less can do little more than point their fingers and yell "BANG" at enemy combatants.

This time-lapse picture shows the path of descent that Charlie Brown's newest kite took before tragically crashing into a tree.

The Baked Beans Cook Off was abruptly cancelled due to a mysterious foul odor emanating from the judge's stand.

A man's attempt to build a private helicopter ended in failure when his arms got tired just moments after takeoff.

Figure staking is seeking to harden it's image by allowing fans to toss flaming debris at the skaters as they perform their routines.

A new study shows that the federal crackdown on illegal aliens has fallen short of expectations, and that many have seamlessly blended into their communities.

Seeking to make childbirth more fun for both mother and baby, a local inventor has developed a fun slide extends all the way from the womb to the doctor's waiting arms.

Random breast shot included because Yasamin seems to expect it from me.

After hears of hunting, a local housecat was finally able to capture a mouse that had been lurking near the family's computer.

And finally, a new study confirms that bears do, indeed, shit in the woods, and that they often use crude bowls fashioned by fallen tree limbs to do it. It goes on to say that one of the reasons behind the mystery is that they are incredibly shy about it.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Is Waylon Jennings Available?

I've decided to hire a narrator for my life - and not one of those boring, scene setting ones like the Stage Manager in Our Town , either. What I really need is one of those The Wonder Years future-self type narrators who reflects on my not-so-youthful follies with the sense of perspective gained by time and distance.

For example he might say "In just two minutes, I was going to learn a valuable lesson about locking my office door", which would be my cue to pull up my pants and hide the goat, Vaseline, and sandpaper. By the time my boss walked in, I'd be staring at the monitor pretending to work (and, I suppose, frantically trying to talk over the suspicious bleating sounds coming from the file cabinet).

Yeah, that would be sweet.

Too bad I didn't have one of those before my boss walked in a few minutes ago...