Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Observations

I'm in one of our NJ offices for the day, so I'll probably be pretty bored. As a result, I'm probably going to update this post throughout the day with pity observations about the world we live in and life in general - at least as they relate to my pitiful excuse for a life.

Observation One:
I realized the other day that if you omit the street names, it's actually possible to give someone directions to a specific address in NYC by saying the following:

"Head east until you come to the corner with a Starbucks, a Duane Reade, and a Citibank. Turn right and go about 5 blocks and you'll see a Duane Reade, a Starbucks, and a Citibank. Make a left there. Go another 4 blocks and you'll see a Citibank, a Starbucks, and a Duane Reade. I'll meet you at that Starbucks."

Observation Two:
I just overheard the woman in the office next to mine saying “It affects two of the baby toes on each foot.” Two baby toes on each foot? There’s no way I’ll ever want to see this woman in open-toed shoes.

Observation Three:
A friend just sent me an e-mail that contained the phrase "Enjoy Jersey." Sadly, I don't think that's possible.

Observation Four:
Is currently under construction.

Observation Five:
Everything you need to know about the New Jersey mentality:
The Office Managing Director just took me out to lunch at his favorite place. It turned out to be Houlihan's.

Observation Six:
I just met the woman in charge of our company’s philanthropy campaign. She’s remarkably chipper in that special, really annoying way that some people have. During our conversation she told me that I get to be her tour guide for the subway trip to our downtown office tomorrow. She went on at great length about how apprehensive she is about riding the subway. She should be more nervous about the likelihood of me pushing her onto the tracks if she doesn’t tone it down a few notches.

Observation Seven:
Here's what the crazy philanthropy woman just interrupted my phone call to tell me:

"I made sure to have the driver stop so I could get a bagel and lox on my way from the airport because I wanted to have the quintessential New York experience."

That’s all well and good, but I'm pretty sure that the quintissential NY experience consists of more than a bagel. Also, she landed in Newark so she's yet to set foot in New York.

And who the hell uses the word quintissential these days?

Observation Eight:
As I washed my hands in the men’s room this morning, I couldn’t help noticing that reflected in the mirror was a man in the midst of swerving his hips about as he emptied his bladder. It was a fascinating sight - kind of like watching Elvis pee. No joke, he was moving like a background dancer in a Shakira video.

About an hour later I was walking around introducing myself to everyone when I came to this gentleman’s office. He stood up and said “Hi, Joe. I’m Bill..” and it was all I could do to stop myself from saying “I know, I saw you spelling your name in the urinal this morning.”

Observation Nine:
Last crazy philanthropy woman story of the day. She's honestly surprised that her $3,000 budget isn't enough to rent an off-site conference room in Manhattan for an entire day - and that our brokers wouldn't look kindly upon having to leave the office to attend.

"But it's for charity" she said.
"And they're more focused on making the money that we're asking them to give away" I replied.

I can only hope that keeps her from talking to me.

Observation Ten:
I'm getting a bit disturbed by the number of posts I write that involve the bathroom in some way.

Observation Eleven:
Every time I see a CBS Cares public service annoucement on an issue such as (from their website) AIDS/HIV, Alcohol Abuse, Breast Cancer, Child Abduction, Child Abuse, Children's Health, Colon Cancer, Depression, Diversity, Drug Abuse, Education, Identity Theft, Menopause, Mental Health, Mentoring, Obesity, Osteoporosis, Parenting, Prostate Cancer, Spouse Abuse, The Arts, Violence Prevention, the V-Chip and Women's Heart Disease, I think to myself that it's rather appropriate that the logo seems to read CBS Scares.