Thursday, January 18, 2007

An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

I read in the paper this morning that you've checked into rehab and that you issued the following statement through your publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnick (who, by the way, is the first person I plan to hire if I ever become famous):

"I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time."

First, I applaud your decision to do whatever it takes to get well and to overcome your addiction to...uh...whatever it is that you're addicted to.

However, I might suggest that issuing a press release about it probably isn't the best way to ensure your privacy. You may not have noticed, but press releases tend to be issued to the press (hence the name), who then print it for mass public consumption.

For example, you'll notice that I chose not to blog about my recent arrest in Bolivia a few weeks back for...well...it's best not to get into the details. Anyway, rather than dialing up Leslie, I simply bribed a guard and hiked to the Brazilian border wearing nothing but a smile and a pair of burlap underwear (which, you might be amused to learn, gave a whole new definition to the word firecrotch).

Anyway, my point is that the best way to ensure your privacy is to, you know, do things privately.

Hope this bit of advice helps.

Your Friend,

Joe