Wednesday, February 14, 2007

News Update: Valentine's Day Edition

Police are on the lookout for a cherub who has been shooting arrows at passersby for the better part of the day. Eyewitnesses describe the assailant as approximately three feet tall with blond hair, blue eyes, and sporting a pair of wings and a diaper.

Most recently, he fired on an officer who was attempting to apprehend him in a subway station, causing the policeman to cease his pursuit and fall in hopelessly love with a homeless man who was sleeping on a nearby bench.

Authorities released a composite sketch of the suspect and cautioned that he should is considered armed and dangerous. Anyone with information on his whereabouts should contact the police immediately.

In other news, yet another man has joined the group claiming paternity of the late Anna Nicole Smith's five-month-old daughter, Dannielynn

54-year-old Hilbert Gottfried of Springfield, Missouri added his name to the growing list of possible fathers which already includes Smith's partner and lawyer Howard Stern, her former partner Larry Birkhead, Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, and her bodyguard Alex Denk.

In contrast to the others Gottfried was never publicly linked with the former Playboy model and he readily admits to never having met her. He does, however, claim to have had fantasy sex with her “literally tens of thousands of times over the last decade.”

“It tailed off recently, especially after she had the baby,” Gottfried admitted, “but for a long time we were nearly inseparable. When things were at there most intense and passionate, there were times when I'd visit her images on at least a half a dozen times a day.”

Despite his claim, the unemployed construction worker doesn't hold out much hope that the courts will rule in his favor.

“There's no way a little guy like me can compete with those rich guys and their fancy lawyers...and the fact that they actually had slept with her."