Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Microwave Rebellion

Last week, I wrote about a Twinkie that exploded in my microwave. At the time, I thought it was just an accident, but when pinknest commented about her coffee exploding in the microwave, I realized that wasn't at all the case. Clearly, the microwaves are trying to take over the world by killing and maiming us with random food and beverage explosions.

Sadly, in life as in literature they are only hurting themselves by trying to hurt others.

Still, don't say that I didn't warn you.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Second Time Around

When the heartache became unbearable I knew it was time to end things. Afterwards, I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep. There was an void inside of me that nothing could fill.

I thought I'd never love that deeply again, but then something happened and I heeded her siren call. Before I knew it I was once again pledging lifelong devotion - alternately reveling in my joy and hating myself for succumbing so easily.

Welcome back into my life, bacon!

Friday, March 23, 2007

The Week in Pictures LXXIX

Random Friday Thoughts

Well, it's Friday. And it's spring in New York. You know what that means. Warmer temperatures and days full of rain.

Softball practice begins on Sunday. If you need me, I'll be drunk by noon.

I get to see Jasmine this Saturday. Yesterday we had the following phone conversation:

Jasmine: I made you a pumpkin, pumpkin, pumpkin, pumpkin pie.
Me: You did? Thank you! That sounds four times better than a regular pumpkin pie.
Jasmine: (pauses) Yes. It's delicious.

She cracks me up.

On to the WiP:

BCBG Max Azria is called off an advertising campaign photo shoot after the model's soul separated from her body.

If the Vatican fashion show is any indication, the Pope will be showing off a sporty new look this spring.

As hinted at in Superman's picture last week, Batman became the second superhero this month to undergo transgender surgery.

In sports, the Spanish synchronized swimming team is believed to be the first to successfully complete the difficult "reverse belly flop" move in competition.

In other swimming news, two competitors are undergoing surgery after they became fused together as a result of a collision caused by a scheduling conflict between the diving and synchronized swimming competitions.

During an interview in Arborist magazine, a 100 year old tree expressed sadness that so many of the dogs he's come to know intimately are no longer alive.

A surprising new study shows that a flare shot into the sinus cavity is just as effective as the leading medication in clearing up congestion.

Astronomers are shocked at the discovery that the sun doesn't rise as the result of the Earth's rotation, but is instead thrown back into the sky each morning by a desert nomad.

Environmentalists say that the damage done by excessive urination into the Chicago River this St. Patrick's day may take years to reverse.

The must have accessory for men are diamond encrusted scrotum's, which give new meaning to the term "family jewels"

A fire walking exhibition in India was abruptly cancelled after the spectators melted from the heat.

Okay, I need to run. For some reason, I've become a huge fan of women's golf, and of Cristie Kerr in particular.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Interesting Trivia

After conducting several tests last night, I've discovered that it takes an average of 45 seconds for a Twinkie to explode in the microwave.

On a related note, is anyone out there interested in buying a used microwave?

Airborne Stranger

While flying JetBlue to California a while back, the flight attendant offered me a product called Airborne which the label proudly touted as having been created by a second-grade teacher.

On the surface, it sounds like a valid claim but as I reflected on my own experience in elementary school I quickly realized that there are few people I'd trust less than my second grade teacher to cure me of an illness. Let's be honest, this was a woman who became physically ill when my classmate dislocated his finger.

Now this isn't a knock on the many wonderful teachers out there, but my point is that being exposed to something doesn't necessarily make you an expert on the subject. If if it did, every mother of three would be heading up a pharmaceutical company.

Even the celebrity endorsement on the website is dubious.

Celebrities take Airborne too ...

"Look, Airborne is great. I wouldn't go on a movie set without it; it's on my plane and in my house." — Kevin Costner

I mean, Kevin Costner? Questions abound. Didn't his credibility disappear somewhere around the release of Waterworld?; Should one ever trust an endorsement that begins with the word "Look"?; And is he even allowed near movie sets these days?

That said, everyone I've spoken to seems to love the product, so I suppose it's only a matter of time before we see this on store shelves:

Developed by a prostitute!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Spring Hopes Eternal

Today is the first day of spring, so named because that's what all of the men in the city are waiting to do as soon as the warm weather entices women to begin emerging from their cocoon-like cold weather wrappings.

Other interesting spring facts:

There are two times annually when day and night are of equal duration: the spring and autumnal equinoxes.

You can stand a raw egg on end during the equinox. Of course, you can do that any time of year provided you have enough patience.

Now get back to work.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Travel Tip: Penn Station

if you're ever in New York City and learn that you have only twenty-four hours left to live, I'd strongly recommend that you spend that time in Penn Station.

Now I understand that there would be much better and far more majestic places in which to pass the all-too-brief remainder of your life. You could go to the top of the Empire State Building for one last panoramic view of the city's beauty.1 You could take a carriage ride through Central Park and marvel at the beauty of nature preserved in the midst of the bustling city. You could traipse down 5th Avenue, buying everything your heart desires.2 You could wind your way through the twists and turns of historic lower Manhattan.3 The list of options is nearly endless.

But for my money, there's no better place than Penn Station to spend your remaining hours. I say this not out of any over abiding sense of love for the grimy and overcrowded transit hub. In fact, it's difficult to imagine a more depressing place in which to pass the time. And that, of course, is the point. Experience tells me that a mere hour in Penn Station feels like a lifetime, so twenty-four hours would be an eternity.

Let's hope you never find yourself in the situation described but if you do, just remember to send me a postcard thanking me for the tip.
1 If you do choose this option, try to avoid looking west as any view that includes New Jersey would probably ruin the experience.

2 Confident that you were going someplace that the creditors would never find you.

3 Though spending your last hours hopelessly lost does seem to be lacking in appeal.

Friday, March 16, 2007

The Week in Pictures LXXVIII

Random Friday Thoughts:

Spartans! Enjoy your breakfast, for tonight we dine in Hell!

Or at least we work there. The only saving grace this week was an enjoyable night out last night. So enjoyable in fact, that I even skipped Scrubs for it. That alone tells you everything you need to know.

The weather has gone from nearly 70 degrees on Wednesday (I think that's like, 400 Celsius for you non-Americans out there), to 25 degrees and snowing today. Just one of the many reasons you never hear people rhapsodizing about Springtime in New York.


Well, actually it's the WiP.

After what he called "decades of living a lie," Superman underwent a successful sex change operation.

The St. Petersburg times broke the species barrier by hiring a river otter as it's newest field reporter.

A reading error doomed a Boston area school's attempt to into the Guinness Book of Records for the World's Largest Pie.

Following the lead of her former best friend forever Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie has been spotted around town carrying her new puppy.

Remind me to never work out in this gym...

Our video this week is "Cupid's Chokehold" by Gym Class Heroes.

Tragedy struck at a recent fashion show when a model was attacked by her own dress.

On the verge of losing his case, a lawyer was able to keep his client out of jail by calling timeout just before the jury's verdict was read.

Gratuitous picture of Ninel Conde

A severed limb found a few weeks ago has given up it's search for the remainder of it's body. It reportedly plans to enlist in the Arm-y.


In business news, the housing market plummeted this week.

And Ford unveiled a new SUV that they say provides superior camouflage protection for hunters.

And finally, a local couple's divorce proceedings turned ugly this week when the husband produced a homemade sex tape that he says proves his claims about his wife's frigidity.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

St. Patrick's Day Jokes

Two of my favorite bad jokes:

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Ideas for Life

I haven't been feeling quite right lately, so I went to the doctor yesterday. After putting me through a battery of tests, they finally came back with a diagnosis.

It turns out that I have a bad case of writer's block. The only known cure involves me actually getting a life, so I've begun thinking about things I can do.

I could follow pinknest's lead and visit some of New York City's fine dining establishments. Or I could emulate Jen by observing small children at play.1 I guess I could also stop sitting at home, playing with my Wii and go out an get some exercise like Doug did. Then again, I could shave my head and travel around India like Braleigh.2

I've also been meaning to learn how to play guitar, and to...

Hey...look! MythBusters is on tonight! I love that show!

Hmmm...perhaps I'll start tomorrow instead. Then again, NBC is showing a full hour of "The Office" followed by an all new "Scrubs" tomorrow night.

Dammit. This is going to be tougher than it looks.

1 Though last time I did that the police started asking way too many questions.

2 Though that would involve me growing some hair to shave.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Monday Mourning

Do you realize that if the United States Presidential Election were held today, the entire country would be surprised because it's not scheduled to take place until November 4, 2008?

I'm exhausted today - and losing an hour to this early daylight savings time nonsense isn't helping.

Anyway, my Aunt's funeral was interesting. As expected, several family members resolved long-held grudges at the wake only to have new ones emerge during the post funeral lunch/family reunion.

Such is life on the Sicilian side of the family...

Also, it turns out that one of the reasons that my new boss visited was because he wanted to tell me in person that I've been promoted to HR Director.

All in all, not the best week ever, but not the worst one either.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Colorful Language

Crappy week ahead.

My new boss is flying in from Chicago tomorrow for a three-day visit. On top of that, I have to attend a wake on Thursday night and a funeral on Friday morning.


On an unrelated note, I overheard an amusing conversation in the men's room of a local bar last week:

Man 1: "Oh sh*t, someone was pissing blue in here!"

Man 2: "That's the cleaning stuff, bro."

Man 1: "Look, when you piss in it, it turns a different color. That's some Easter egg sh*t right there."

Friday, March 02, 2007

The Week in Pictures LXXVII

Random Friday Thoughts:

You can tell that you're working too hard when the days begin to blur together. I honestly had no idea that it was Friday until someone mentioned it this morning.

I read this week that Lucy Noland will be leaving Fox 5 news shortly. That's the most depressing thing I've heard in quite some time. She's pretty much the only reason I wake up at 5 a.m. to watch the news every morning.

My post about Drew Barrymore seems to have angered the Gods as we're in the mist of torrential downpours here in NYC this morning. I need to head down to KFC/Taco Bell to get some rodents to sacrifice as a way of appeasing them.

This is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.

While I do that, why don't we move on to the WiP:

Side Note:
Two people wrote to me yesterday about my self-deprecating jokes. For the record, I don't have nearly the level of self-loathing that you might imagine from reading the blog. (I'm not sure anyone could.) I actually possess a fair amount of confidence. I simply find that kind of humor endlessly amusing. That said, I appreciate the feedback. Moving forward, I'll ease up on the jokes.

A time-traveler from the future offered proof of the existence of karma by producing a picture of Paris Hilton in her next life.

England's Prince Charles amused onlookers during a recent luncheon by showing them the look on his face the first time he saw Camila naked.

Satan was reportedly exposed to an accidental overdose of gamma rays turning him into a hulking green monster whenever he gets angry - which is pretty much all of the time.

The U.S. Navy Seals conducted winter military exercises last weekend.

Suddenly, vegetarianism sounds pretty appealing.

Childhood illnesses such as chicken pox have a company with the outbreak of a new disease that doctors have termed piggy back.

PIGGY BACK! Get it?!? ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Erm...sorry.

Tourists looking to catch the sunset in the Bahamas were taken aback to learn that the island has recently instituted a cover charge to view the horizon.

A local high school has implemented a new dress code designed to help students focus on their studies.

In a related story, female pages on Capital Hill may have a new dress code next year under a proposed program being spearheaded by some of the older Senators.

An 85-year-old woman is suing her local appliance store after discovering that the $3,500 portable TV she bought was nothing more than a sketch on an easel.

A group of yogis attending a cricket match took sports audience participation to a new level by starting a Levitation Wave.

An enraged Ronald McDonald ripped the heads off of a pair of reporters who had the audacity to question him too closely about the cleanliness of his restaurants.

Onley, England held their annual pancake race last week; an event in which participants attempt to avoid slipping on pancakes strewn across the street and bludgeoned by frying pan wielding chefs. .

Recently uncovered photographic evidence indicates that the Best Actor Oscar Humphrey Bogart won for The African Queen may have been a fake.

Meanwhile, at this year's awards the entire cast of Happy Feet joyously took the stage to accept their Best Animated Feature award.

Millions of men immediately became Jennifer Hudson fans after seeing her kiss her "Best Supporting Actress Award"

As evidenced by the throngs of masked men who waited outside in the hopes of meeting her.

And finally, Melissa Ethridge threatened to return her "Best Original Song" Oscar after realizing that the award depicts a man.

Reports indicate that even her private parts were taken aback by their proximity to a phallic shaped object.