Wednesday, August 15, 2007


After watching my inbox grow to server crippling proportions, its become apparent that my e-mails are far too easy to comprehend and, thus, to respond to.1 As a way of eliminating this overflow of electronic communications, I've decided to put all future email correspondence through a Babel Fish Translation process designed to dramatically reduce reader comprehension.

After much experimentation, I've determined that translating things from English to Dutch to French to Italian to English seems to produce the desired level of confusion while still retaining a (very) slight hint of the message's original intent. To demonstrate, I will use a simple paragraph from an internal memo which, using this process, changes from this:

We announced our financial results for the second quarter of 2007 yesterday, and I am pleased to report that we had a very strong quarter. Overall, we achieved double-digit organic revenue growth (excluding revenue contributions from acquisitions) for the 19th consecutive quarter, and all of our operations around the world contributed meaningfully to this growth.

To this:

We announce yesterday for according to trimester one of 2007 and must contently be unfolds to you that ours turn out to you financial have had much fort. The numbers totals catch up them organic the increase double quantity place of production (except the contributions of production of enrichessement) for diecinueveavo quarter konsekutives and it this has contributed our operations around the essential world until this increase.

I'll let you know how it turns out.

Or, as Babel Fish would say, "I will make you to know as it appears."

1 The alternative (and probably more plausible) explanation being, of course, that people would rather write me than speak to me.