Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Analyze This

When I created my blog I installed Statcounter, a web tracker that provided me with endless hours of fun. I'd check the site again and again, waiting for that magical day when I had more than three visitors.

As you can imagine, the thrill wore off quickly.

During a recent conference call I logged in and did a keyword analysis to see what search terms directed visitors here. It was far more interesting and amusing than I ever imagined.

For starters, pinknest turns out to be quite the trendsetter as evidenced by the search for amuse bouche slang.

Other keywords included random act of skateboarding by yogi, which was probably just a matter of him experimenting with ways to grab more pic-a-nic baskets; panda marks his territory by pissing, which seems like more of a statement than a search; breakfast descant of sunset which sounded very romantic and poetic until I discovered that it's the name of a song by a techno band named Breakfast; and finally, i found a white powdery substance inside my toilet paper roll, which is clearly part of Charmin's new "Sit and Snort" advertising campaign.

Then there was the search for kevin costner and twinkies which, I suppose, can be interpreted any number of innocent or disturbing ways.

Though I can't recall having done so I must have written about pervert ronald mcdonald edinburgh, a phrase which I hope wasn't linked to the search for licking women's shoes.

There was also picking lemons infection which probably lead to the tearful breakdown embarrassing doctor office search- because, after all, how do you expect your partner to believe that you got that infection from picking lemons?

I'm going to go ahead and guess that - in addition to bringing this person to my blog - the search for accidentally kneed balls dancing yielded a number of ice-related results.

As you might expect, the always popular "nude" searches were well represented. They began with celebritynudes and then progressed into more specific requests including erica cerra nude, khandi alexander nude, lark voorhies ass pics, alexx woods nude, lisa mateo nude, and work out women nude - before concluding with the search for nude gymnastics event humiliation, which is something that probably happens all too frequently in that particular sport.

There was a semi-innocent search for free alabama jones and the busty crusade video, but things went downhill from here. Next up (so to speak) was halle berry stares at penis sculpture. Now I'm not sure if it was an animatronic penis, but I am sure that's probably something one would want to have on hand if it lasts more than four hours, or if has performance anxiety relating to participating in fellatio on stage.

And while I'm troubled to learn that my blog can be found by through those terms, I'm even more worried about the folks that visited via searches for mexico donkey mating and pet animal having intercourse with different variety.

Then finally there was the truly puzzling you shall not covet your neighbor's wife. threesome search. I guess the assumption is that you're not really coveting if you ask her husband to join in. I'm guessing that someone who got caught conducting one of these searches was the same person responsible for buy her flowers for no reason and, in the event that didn't work, survive keelhauling.