Thursday, September 13, 2007

Celebrity Death Pool

As a way of proving myself worthy of participating in a Celebrity Death Pool at my office, I was recently asked to submit a 250 word essay outlining why I thought I should be allowed to join.

Here's what I came up with:

Death has always fascinated me. In fact, for as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to end my life by dying and for a long time I made a habit of wanting to die every time I got rejected on a Friday night.1

But that’s not the point. The point is that if there are two things that go together like cake and ice cream, it’s celebrities and death..2

For example, what do Julieta Campos, Duan Yihe, Paul Gillmor, Edward Gramlich, Alexey Kazantsev, D. James Kennedy, and Nikos Nikolaidis have in common? Well, apart from their love of kittens (a bit of trivia that I just made up) they all died on September 5, 2007. More to the point, they were all slightly famous, and yet somehow I’d never heard of any of them.

And that’s just one day in September! Every day a pseudo-celebrity will die, leaving me muttering obscenities as I peruse the obituaries on the train ride to work the next morning.

“How could I have overlooked Ian Porterfield, the British football player and manager who scored Sunderland's 1973 FA Cup winner and who died of colon cancer?” I’d have wondered upon reading that he passed away yesterday. “It was so obvious!”

So why should I be allowed to join? Because I’ll probably suck at it, allowing you to mock my ineptitude like the cruel world tormented an innocent Britney Spears after this year’s VMA awards.

I just hope y’all can sleep at night.3

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1 Which occurred with alarming regularity.

2 Why, you ask? I have no idea. However, Paige is making me write a 250 word essay and the preceding four sentences took up 28 of them.

3 Please note that the use of y’all is intended as nothing more than blatant pandering to the Southern judges.4

4 Not that I’d assume that Paige is from Texas. I’m a big fan and I’ve followed her career closely, so I know she’s from Boston.